


At the Heart of Darkness

by quilledcorsair



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Mentions of miscarriage, Multi, Wishverse!Killian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-07-25 04:03:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 70,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16189691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quilledcorsair/pseuds/quilledcorsair
Summary: Killian Jones lives in the Land without Magic, with no memories of his family. Until Emma Swan comes into his life like a whirlwind, reminding about everything he had lost. He embarks on an adventure to destroy the Darkness, only to discover that Emma might not be telling him the whole story.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hoorayy! It's time for my Captain Swan Big Bang fic's grand reveal. I am soooo excited for every one to read this.
> 
> But before that, I would be remiss if I do not thank the Mods for organising this event. Go check out the other great fics and artwork on their tumblr: @captainswanbigbang.tumblr.com. They were so understanding when I had to miss a check-in and gave me an extension. I never thought I'd finish this story after I lost my dad, because there is A LOT of Father-Daughter content in this, but I pushed through because I wanted to get this fic out there. I love the idea, and I know it might not appeal to some people, what with Alice in the fic. To those people, I say: 'I respect your likes and dislikes. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. Respect that I do, and I don't want negative comments or drama. Thank you.'
> 
> I can't thank Maggie aka @accio-ambition enough. She was more than my Beta, she was my bae-ta. She pushed me and yelled at me and got stressed out for me, while I chilled out. She has made me question myself and correct myself and been the best GD cheerleader in the world. I LOVE YOU, MAN. Most of the fic was panic written and if it weren't for @accio-ambition and @sambethe this would be a mess.
> 
> A HUGE SHOUTOUT to @sambethe for being a second beta practically, on top of being my artist, who made a KICKASS BANNER and a bunch of art that I CANNOT wait for you all to see. She's just the best, most understanding and kind-of always put up with my anxiety rants.
> 
> ALSO @downeystarkjr made 2 VIDEOS OF THIS FIC WHAT I'm crying you guys. They are amazing, she's amazing and just asdfghjkl; time for fic guys.

__

_“Papa, are you listening to me?”_

_“Of course, starfish. When am I not?” Killian answered, turning from the book he was reading and toward his daughter. His heart skipped a beat when he saw her dangling from a wooden beam by just her fingertips. “Alice Jones, get down this instant.”_

_“Will you catch me, Papa?” she called out, giggling. Suddenly everything around them turned dark, and Killian could hardly see. His panic rose, as he called out to his daughter. “Alice? Alice, answer me, love!”_

_“Papa, catch me. Catch me, Papa.” That was all he heard, echoing around him. “Don’t let me fall, Papa. Don’t leave me!” Alice’s voice grew from playful to frightful, the echoes growing fainter and fainter by the minute. Killian tried walking through the darkness, but it seemed Alice was moving farther away from him in the endless night. He was surrounded by it, like he was lost at sea._

_A moment later, he could not hear her voice at all. “Alice? Alice! Where are you, darling? ALICE!” he shouted, his voice breaking._

Killian gasped awake, eyes shooting wide and hands grabbing tight on his sheets. It was that dream again, about the girl - Alice. _Papa,_ she called him, but he did not have a daughter that he knew of. He had been having these dreams for years, and they never made any sense. He always woke up filled with an inexplicable desperation, like he needed to get back to that strange girl.

Every doctor he had been to had said the same thing - they were just dreams. How else could he explain the strange surroundings he found himself in during these dreams. Most times it was with this young girl, Alice, in some kind of a room, high up in a tower. Sometimes, there was another blonde woman, but he has never seen her face. He could not pick her out of a line-up if he had to, in all honesty. But unlike the dreams with the girl, whenever he dreamed of that woman, he woke up crying and his chest hurting.

There were days that he cursed these dreams - they remind him just how truly alone he was in this world. He had a brother once, who he served with in the Navy, but that seemed like it was centuries ago. He did not have a daughter, nor did he know blonde woman like the one plaguing his dreams. He had no one. Why would his mind taunt him so? Show him this life, in this strange land - when all he had was a 20-year sober chip and a job that doesn’t necessarily require him to stay in one place. He’d been searching, going from city to city, town to town, looking for a place to call home.

He’d been in this seaside town for the past two months, and as much as he enjoyed how quaint it was, it just didn’t feel right. Not that he could tell anyone what was - all he knew was he would _feel_ it the moment it was right - he would have found home. Whatever this town was, it was not that.

Killian sighed, trying to put the dream out of his mind, slipping out of bed, grabbing his phone on the way. He punched in his agent’s number, putting him on speaker as he went about starting his morning brew.

_“Hello, Jones. Which part of the world are you calling from now?”_ came Will’s voice, an undertone of exasperation barely concealed.

“I’m still in England, Will,” Killian replied, rolling his eyes. “No need to be an arse so early in the morning.” He turned on the coffee maker, grabbing his phone off the countertop. “Did you get the new chapters I sent you a couple of days ago?”

_“Ah, that. Yes, I did. Great work, man. They are great, just a few notes from your editor. I’m sending you an e-mail about it as we speak. But we are quite ahead of schedule so far.”_

“Good, good,” Killian mumbled. “I might be leaving this town soon. It doesn’t seem right.”

_“Colour me surprised. What_ is _right, Jones? You’ve been travelling like a fucking hermit.”_ Will’s tone was starting to grate on Killian’s nerves.

“I don’t appreciate your tone, Sanders.” Killian scowled at the wall. He did not need yet another person questioning his decisions - he was doing enough of that himself.

There was a tense silence over the phone before Will finally spoke. “ _All right. I don’t have any rights to question how you live your life. Just remember that once you’re done with this book, you need to do at least_ some _touring and book signings._ ”

Killian resisted the urge to groan. As much as he enjoyed the life of leisure being a published author offered, the public appearances and PR were his least favorite part of his job.

“Yes, I remember. There’s still time for that, is there not? I’ll be back stateside in three months.”

“ _For good? Or just for the book?_ ”

“Well, it’s not to see your ugly mug, mate. I’ll talk to you soon, Will.” And with that dismissal, he hung up. He fixed himself a cup of coffee, carrying it over to his designated work station. He passed a mirror on the way, pausing to stare at his reflection. He stared at it long and hard, trying to find any change in it, but he didn’t. Not one grey hair, not one wrinkle. The same face he has been staring at for the past 20 years - nothing has changed. He realised this little fact about himself a few years ago. He has not aged a day in 20 years. He does not remember what triggered it - he does not remember much, if he was brave enough to admit it. His memory of the past 20 years are pristine, he could remember every single detail. But before that? It was all a blur, like a dream. One could only laugh at that irony: somehow his dreams seem more real than his past.

He shook his head, walking away from the mirror and sitting at his desk. Taking a long sip from his mug, he pulled his sketchpad towards him, grabbing a spare bit of charcoal and scratching out a rough portrait of the girl from his dreams, etching her image on paper, hoping to trigger something that would make him understand why he kept seeing her, why she called him _‘Papa’_. And who the mysterious blonde was.

-/-

_20 years ago : Enchanted Forest_

Killian was woken from his slumber by soft murmuring around him. “Swan, settle down and go back to sleep, love,” he grumbled, reaching for his lady-love with an outstretched arm. They were finally able to convince Alice to stay the night with Smee while they stole a night to themselves.

When his arm met the sheets covering their bed at the inn where they’d spent the night, instead of Emma’s soft skin, his eyes flew open. He scrambled out of bed, reaching for his trousers when he heard her laughter. He turned around, pants hanging loosely around his hips, unlaced and held up with just his hand. There she sat, in one corner of the room, wearing his shirt - and naught else - a book in her hand. “You’re- you’re reading?”

“Don’t sound so surprised, _Hook_. I was brought up a princess, you know,” she teased, sliding out of her perch, the book landing on the floor with a thud.

He grabbed her when she was within arms’ reach, hand curling on her hip, lips grazing hers gently. “Aye, I know, _Princess_ .” He pulled back before she could deepen their kiss. “I am a little hurt that you chose to read a book, when you could have woken me up. We could have engaged in more, ah.. _enjoyable activities_.” When he noticed her hesitation, he felt his insecurities flare up - it had been a while since he’d been with a woman. In fact, that wretched witch was the last person he had been intimate with. He backed away a little from Emma, his arms dropping to his side. “Unless, of course it wasn’t enjoyable for you, love. I- it has been a while.”

“Oh, no, no. Killian, no,” Emma was quick to assure him, her hand coming up to rest on his chest, right over his heart. “No, last night was _perfect._ You were perfect, I promise.” Her cheeks tinted lightly at the boyish grin that took over his face. She turned back to grab the large tome before she faced him again. “I was reading this - a grimoire. I wanted to see if I could find some way to break Alice out of that tower. I’ve been doing my own research, but I did not want to tell you and Alice before I found something concrete. I couldn’t do that to you.”

Killian felt his throat close up, his heart clenching at her gesture. He had always known that Emma cared for his Alice almost as much as he did - it was because of his love for Alice that it took him almost a year to warm up to Emma’s presence in their lives. But knowing something and seeing proof of it were two very different things.

“I- I couldn’t give up. I know I promised I would be more careful with my magic, but I just...,” Emma shrugged, trialing off, having mistook his silence for anger.

He was quick to reassure her, pulling her into his arms in a tight embrace. “Thank you, Emma. I do not know what Alice and I would do without you in our lives,” he whispered, his voice breaking at the end.

He felt Emma’s smile against his chest, her arms clenched tight around the book. “You never have to find out.”

-/-

_Present : Land without Magic_

There were so many things Killian was grateful for, but the internet had to be the most important. It was much easier to find a great place to stay, that still afforded him the solitude that he craved, thanks to the wonder of AirBnB. He rubbed his hands together, warming them up as he walked down the small hill his lone house was on, his reusable shopping bag and notebook keeping him company. As much as he has moved around, he was still a creature of habit. He had made himself the same dinner every Saturday - a pot of hot stew and some marmalade sandwiches for a light snack later. And every Friday, like today, he would walk into town, hit up the local markets and do a spot of shopping. Then, he would spend the day people watching, sitting at the benches in the city center. He would describe everything he saw around him - from the changing weather, to the street musicians playing their tune. The sight of the fresh fruits and vegetables at the market; the ruckus created by students who had survived yet another week. All of it, he would note down - he would build his own stories, even.

He might fool everyone, sometimes even himself, into thinking all of this was for research. But he had been doing this for as long as he could remember, as if he was writing things for someone stuck in a prison, hoping that his writing would provide them with some semblance of the world outside. He couldn’t remember a time he hadn’t done this - but he had no one to share these stories with. So even as he filled notebook after notebook, each of various shape and size, some leather bound with parchment paper, some of them scraps of napkins bound together - even as he recorded everything, the only purpose it served was collecting dust at the house he had in Atlanta - the one and only residence he has had throughout his adult life. The same one he had bought twenty years ago, a quaint blue house with a wraparound porch and a white picket fence, waiting for the day it will be called ‘home’.

And so like clockwork, Killian sat at his usual bench, his view of the town unencumbered from this point, and observed the ongoings. Somehow, this time, his heart was not in it. His dreams had become more frequent recently, and he was loathe to go back on the pills he had been prescribed. They stopped the dreams completely, but that made him feel even worse, even more alone. As much as the dreams - and their characters - haunted him, their absence made it harder for him to survive his lonely existence.

Will had told him over the years that if only he would put himself out there, if only he would come out of his shell and interact, even if it was to simply make a friend, he would feel much better. But he never felt inclined to; he felt like he was supposed to be miserable. He was used to this feeling, and somehow, letting go of it seems unfathomable.

He snapped himself from where his thoughts drifted to, his gaze refocusing on what was in front of him. And the moment his vision became clear, the first thing he saw was the same head of blonde hair from his dreams, disappearing around the corner. He blinked, his breath caught in his throat. He stood immediately, squinting at the lane where he caught the glimpse of the blonde - hair the exact shade of spun gold as from his dreams. His bag and notebook forgotten, he took off in her direction.

For so long, he had been struggling with thoughts that maybe his dreams were more than just that, but had dismissed the thoughts almost as quickly as they had come. But something in his heart told him to follow the blonde, that maybe she might help - whether it was to break the illusion or to strengthen it, he wasn’t sure yet. He wasn’t sure what he wanted the outcome to be either.

He went around the corner he had seen her turn, which led him down a tiny alley. The only place that seemed to be open was an antiquities shop, with a single flickering light on at the display window. _Alice and her ‘round the world Wonders_ , the sign read.

“Alice…” he whispered softly to himself, his incredulity evident. “It can’t be.” He pushed through the door, the bell above the door ringing through the empty shop.

“Hello?” he called out, suddenly feeling a little breathless, as if in anticipation. He waited with bated breath, but no one turned up for a whole two minutes. Just as he was about to call out again, someone pushed past the curtains, stepping through.

Killian felt disappointment settle in his chest when he saw the woman who walked into the room. She was definitely blonde, but she was _not_ the woman from his dreams, of that he was certain. All the built up anticipation of the past few minutes drained out of him. He simple stared at her unable to do much more than force a smile in return to her smiling at him. He was certain the woman he’d seen turn down the alley had been _her_ , but it was not the woman from the shop.

She was dressed plain enough, but her heavy array of braids gave her an air of eccentricity; and as friendly and welcoming as she seemed to think her smile was, it made the hair on the back of Killian’s neck stand up.

“Can I help you?” she asked him, approaching the counter.

As much as he wanted to bolt from this shop, and from this woman, he had a feeling she might have some answers for him. “Erm, no. I was simply looking around,” he replied after a long pause. He turned around, pretending to be interested in an old windmill, running his finger over the blades. “Curious name your shop’s got,” he commented. “Alice… is that you?” he asked, smiling and hoping that she wouldn’t suspect anything, before turning away.

He noticed her stiffen out of the corner of his eye, before she cleared her throat and plastered a smile back on her face. “Ah, no. I _knew_ an Alice, a very long time ago. The name just felt fitting.” She waited a beat before adding, “I’m Eloise. And you’re Killian Jones.”

Hackles raised, he turned to face her again, his jaw clenching involuntarily. “How do you know my name?”

He could have sworn he saw her smirk, but he blinked and it was gone, replaced by a sheepish smile. “I’m a huge fan of your books - the life of a pirate captain and all that.”

Killian was not entirely convinced by her answer, but he had no real reason to doubt her, save for an odd gut feeling. “I did not realise you’d recognise me.”

“Yes, you do look a bit different with the beard,” Eloise commented. “But not unrecognisable.”

Something in the way she phrased it made Killian feel like he was under sharp scrutiny. Whatever he was looking for, this Eloise seemed to have a whole other agenda, one he was not going to wait around and watch play out. “I should get going. But it was nice to meet you Eloise.” Killian started retreating, but she stopped him.

“Wait! I would be really happy if you took a token of appreciation. Your stories mean a lot to me, especially the Princess you write about.”

“The Swan Princess?” he asked, unable to help himself. He felt a strong tug in his chest when he said those words, as if it recognised who he was talking about. But that was impossible: the Swan Princess was just a character that he had made up.

Instead of dwelling on those thoughts, he simply said,“I am really glad you like my work, lass. I appreciate it. But I must get going.”

“Of course. I don’t want to keep you long.” Eloise pulled a painting from under the counter, holding it out to Killian.

He stepped closer, looking at the painting of a ship in the middle of the ocean depicted in the calm before the storm. As mesmerising as the painting itself was, he was more concerned with the signature at the bottom - _Alice_.

“Who did this?” he demanded, his eyes snapping up to meet hers. “Who is Alice?”

Eloise brows furrowed in concern at his harsh tone. “Mr. Jones, I’m sorry if I did something to offend you. But I simply wanted to give you this painting because it reminds me of your stories. As for Alice...well, she did make this. But I’m afraid she’s not with us anymore.”

Rationally, Killian knew that there was no way that the Alice Eloise spoke of was the girl from his dreams. But his heart clenched just hearing that. “I’m so sorry for your loss,” he muttered, walking away from Eloise and her store, leaving the painting behind.

As soon as he was out of sight, Eloise’s startled expression slipped into a smirk. “Oh, I finally found you, Captain Hook,” she whispered. She flipped the ‘closed’ sign on the door, and headed into the backroom again.

-/-

_20 years ago : Enchanted Forest_

“Do you really think it is a good idea to keep this from Alice?” Emma asked, biting her lip. “She might want to know - she _was_ vying for this.”

“As much as I want to shout from the mountain tops how much I care about you, Emma - and it is a lot, believe you me, lass - I just do not want her to think this is more than it is.” When he saw Emma’s face fall, he wanted to kick himself for how he phrased it. “I didn’t mean to sound so flippant, love. I don’t want any kind of pressure on you, and if we tell Alice, she might think that we are-”

“So let her,” Emma said, cutting him off. She stepped up to him, her eyes meeting his determinedly. “There’s no pressure here, but I’m in this for the long haul, Killian Jones. If that scares you, well, I-” She huffed, losing steam. “I’ll have to challenge you to a duel - and I will end up defeating you.”

Killian grinned widely at her, kissing her chastely. “Aye, I have no doubt you will, darling. I would gladly surrender to you, _Your Highness_.”

Emma flushed, slapping his arm lightly. “Are you ready to tell your daughter that she will soon be free?” Emma could swear that the smile that took over her pirate’s face rivaled even the bright rays of the sun.

-/-

_Present_ : _Land without Magic_

“Ms. Swan? I think I found the man that you have been looking for.” Emma sat up straight at that. While she had hoped utilizing Mr. Castle’s private investigation services would come to fruition, she had not realised it would be quite this soon. If she had realised how efficient this land’s resources were, she would have relied on them much earlier.

“Are you sure? Killian Jones?” she asked, starting to pace.

“Ms. Swan, Killian Jones is quite a famous writer. I am not unfamiliar with who he is.” Emma could almost hear his condescension. “But he is elusive and an extremely private person, so he was a bit harder to track down.”

“But you did, did you not? Track him down?” Emma asked, irritated by Castle dragging the issue.

“Of course, as I assured you. He’s in a small town in south-eastern England. He is coming back to the United States in three months for a book tour.”

Emma’s elation was unparalleled to anything else in the world. She clutched the ring hanging around her neck tight, as tears pricked behind her eyelids. “Thank you, Mr. Castle. Do you have an address?”

Once she had hung up on the call with Castle, she let a few tears fall - tears of joy, of course, but of sorrow as well. She had to bring him back to all the chaos and pain that he had left. She had to bring him back before she had the cure she’d promised him. She absentmindedly rubbed at her chest, an echo of pain and frustration running parallel to her own emotions. It had been twenty years, but she would never get used to this connection she had with Killian - a curse and a blessing all in one; her life was tied to his in many ways, and being able to sense his feelings was the cruelest of it all.

She could still remember so clearly the day they had parted, could feel the flow of the energy as he linked their lives together; she was unable to age, just like all Dark Ones. Because of him, her light magic was forever corrupted now. She hated him for that: she hated him for leaving her with all the pain and the memories, while he walked into another world, without her, without Alice, and without his memories. But she could never hate him more than she loved him. Emma touched the ring again, her heart settling as she remembered his promise to her - the promise of a happy future, no matter how long it took them to get there. She had made him a promise in turn - to find a way to cure him of the darkness that plagued his soul - and to not come for him before then.

Unfortunately, Gothel had a more sinister plot in mind. After two decades, she had managed to break free of her bonds. Emma had no choice to come for him before that wretched witch found him. Killian was not the only reason Emma had come, of course. There was another person she needed to save, but she knew she had to find Killian Jones first. He would be the only one who could get Alice back.

-/-

Eloise waved at the back wall of her store, sparks of dark magic expelling from her hand. The wall shimmered before disappearing completely, revealing an elaborate garden on the other side, with a glass coffin in the middle, covered in vines. She walked up to it, her hand running over the vines, watching as they retreated at her touch.

“Oh, Alice, dear. You’ve been resting for quite a while, haven’t you?” she whispered, not a hint of remorse in her voice. She stared down at the slumbering girl, looking child-like and peaceful in her spell-struck state. “I just can’t have you meddling in my plans, dear. Your father can’t be compromised, not until I can get my hand on his dagger.”


	2. I'm waving through a window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, we find out how Emma and Killian meet, both the times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you all for the great reception for the fic. I hope that you continue to enjoy the following chapters as well. I'm sorry there was no update last week, but I was out of town for a wedding.
> 
> This chapter has TWO ARTWORKS, WHAAAT. @sambethe was kind enough to draw one of my favorite scenes from this chapter, a moment of respite for Emma and Killian. And, she also made the header. She's just the best, and she's captured the lightness of the scene, but the eagerness from Emma so perfectly.
> 
> AND @downeystarkjr has made a video. I can't even. It's soooo cool. It gives you a peek into what the whole fic is about without too many spoilers until you actually read the scene and go 'OH I GET IT NOW' which was how I felt. It's bloody incredible and amazing and just - go watch it.
> 
> As always, I'm in great debt to my beta, @accio-ambition for being such an Ace. There's so daddy-daughter fluff that she likes, and I'm pretty sure this is one of the easier chapters she had to edit, just based on the level of angst. Love you, baeeb. Check out her own contribution, No good deed, on tumblr.
> 
> Without further ado...

_21 years ago : Enchanted Forest_

“Papa, can you tell me again about the sea monster?” Alice begged, clinging to Killian with all her five-year-old might. “Please?”

Killian chuckled, knowing that if he wanted to, he could very easily slip from her grasp. He knew he ought to be sterner with her and not concede every time she begged him, but one look at her pleading, wide eyes and he caved. It was hard for his to resist his child when she asked for little. “Starfish, it’s well past your bedtime. If you don’t sleep now, you will be cranky all morning tomorrow.”

“But, _Papa_ ,” she insisted, climbing on his chest, sitting cross-legged on his stomach. Killian huffed a little, but she hardly weighed anything. “I won’t let you go until you tell me the story,” she said, much too smug for so tiny a child.

Killian did not have the heart to point out he could quite simply lift her off of him and force her to sleep. She was forced to stay in this wretched tower all day, every day of her life - the least he could do was tell her another story. He grabbed one of her small hands in his and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. “Alright, my little pirate. You have me as your hostage. I will tell you the story about the sea monster.” He struggled not to laugh as she folded her arms, leaning back against his thighs, as he had had his knees raised. “Comfortable, are you?”

“Aye, aye, C’ptn,” she said, saluting him clumsily.

He laughed out right at that, tickling her belly and making her giggle. “Papa, stop,” she protested in between giggles. “I want story!”

“Alright, alright.” He was just about to start the tale, when he heard a scraping noise from outside, putting him on high alert. He strained his ears, hoping he had just imagined it, but when he heard it again, he sat up immediately. He lifted Alice off of him, despite her protests, and put her in bed. He reached for his cutlass from where he’d hid it, before turning to her. “Alice, I need you to listen carefully to Papa. Stay here and do not make a sound, alright?”

Alice stared at him wide-eyed before her eyes shifted to his cutlass. Killian turned her head gently with his hook so she was looking at him again. “Alice, love, listen to me. Do you want to have a real adventure?” he asked, forcing more than enough excitement in his tone.

“Yeah!” she exclaimed. “Let’s play pirates!”

“Aye, aye, my little fish. We are playing pirates, and now Papa’s gotta beat the bad guys. You need to stay here until it’s safe, alright?” he whispered, leaning closer to her and putting his finger to his lip.

“Alright, Papa,” she whispered back, mimicking his action. Killian smiled at her, before turning to face the only window in the tower, getting ready to battle whoever it was that came through.

He adjusted his grip on his blade, slipping into his old Captain Hook persona. While he was expecting all forms of danger and evil, including the woman who gave birth to his child, he was still surprised to see a blonde slip through the window, dressed in trousers and a shirt. She stopped in her tracks when she saw him, her eyes widening, in surprise or fear, he was not sure.

“Identify yourself, thief,” he demanded, moving towards her, keeping Alice hidden from her sight.

The blonde’s confusion turned into irritation. “I am no thief. I’m Princess Emma of Misthaven.”

_Present : Land without Magic_

It hadn’t been hard for Emma to follow Mr. Castle’s instructions. Take a flight - and public transit - to a sleepy town in Southeastern England, and she will find him. If she wasn’t so eager to be reunited with her love, she would have laughed at how simple it all seemed. She had been in this land for over a year, and she had quickly realised that money could buy her anything - even fake papers and identity. For all that she wanted for in life - being reunited with Killian and Alice, breaking the wretched curse that forced them apart, and getting her hands around Gothel’s neck - money was not one of them. Killian’s supply of gold had been seemingly endless, but just a pursefull has been more than enough for her to afford the luxury of a new identity and means of travel in this metal craft that flew.

To say she was wary of this mode of transportation would be a gross understatement. And as helpful as the wine the helpers on the craft had been pouring for her was, it was only enough to dull her anxiety, not quell it. When the plane seemed to get more turbulent than usual, she gripped the handrests tight, trying to think of anything but being stuck in something that seemed to fly without any magic.

_21 years ago : The Enchanted Forest_

Killian’s eyebrows raised incredulously. “You’re raving mad, lass. Princess Emma is but a child now. Who are you, really?” He stepped up to her now, pressing his blade against her throat before she could draw the sword at her hip.

Emma rolled her eyes, raising her hands in surrender. “I’m not from this reality,” she huffed. “I am a Princess. I am from Misthaven. I’m just not from the same reality as you.”

Killian’s brows furrowed, uncertain if he should trust this stranger. “If you really are who you say you are, why are you here?”

“Listen, friend. I have been on the run from the savages in the villages, and this was the first place I could find. I did not know it was occupied.”

Killian did not want to lower his weapon, especially when she claimed to be on the run. “Well, it is occupied. So you would do well to be on your way, lass. Unless you want to meet a worse fate.” But before Emma could retaliate, he heard Alice speak up, coming out from under the blankets.

“Papa, I don’t want to play pirates anymore.” Killian resisted the urge to groan out loud, ignoring the surprised look on Emma’s face as he turned to face his daughter.

“Darling, I told you to stay in bed, and stay quiet.” But Alice ignored him, her eyes wide as she noticed the presence of another person. Before he could grab a hold of her, Alice ran over to the newcomer, a big grin on her face.

“Are you a friend? I’m Alice,” she stated, with all the tact of a five-year-old, holding her hand out.

Emma gaped at Alice, trying and failing to come up with an appropriate response. Killian ran his hand through his hair, walking over to his daughter and pulling her to his side. “Like I said, lass, this tower is occupied. Whatever your grievances with the villagers, they are your own. I will not allow you to bring my daughter into any trouble.” His voice was low and soft, but the threat was clear.

Emma eyed his hook warily before she squared her shoulders. “They think me a witch. I’m not - I’m just -” Emma paused, composing herself. “I’m gifted with light magic. My parents were Snow White and Prince Charming, like in this reality - but they were defeated by The Evil Queen in mine. I had to escape.”

Killian’s expression softened, but as much as he empathised with this woman, he could not risk Alice’s safety. “I’m sorry to hear about your parents, lass. I really am. But I cannot let you stay here - I need to put my daughter first.” He felt Alice squirm in his hold, and he held her back.

Emma looked defeated, nodding in understanding. She backed away, getting ready to leave, when Alice’s voice stopped her.

“Can you really do magic?” the little girl asked, her curiosity and wonder blatant.

Emma smiled softly, looking to Killian questioningly. He reluctantly nodded, still keeping his grip on Alice. Emma crouched to Alice’s height, holding out her hand, drawing from the magic within her. Moments later, a daisy laden flower crown was dangling from her fingers.

Alice gasped, reaching out to it instinctively, but she quickly remembered her place and pulled her hand back. Emma couldn’t help but smile at her, holding the crown out to her. “May I?” Emma asked Alice, chuckling when the girl nodded eagerly.

Emma placed the crown delicately on Alice’s head, grinning at the bright smile that overtook Alice’s face. “There. Now you’re a princess, too,” Emma declared.

“I’m a pirate princess,” Alice corrected, prompting a chuckle from her father.

“That you are, Starfish. Now say goodbye to the kind lady, and get yourself in bed. It is well past your bedtime.”

Alice nodded; she reached for Emma’s hand, shaking it. “Thanks for my crown.” She paused, watching Emma contemplatively. “If you can do magic, can you get me out of this tower?” Alice wondered out loud, not realising her father’s sudden change in demeanor.

Emma’s brows furrowed at Alice’s question, before she turned to Killian. He sighed, perhaps for the hundredth time that night, kneeling beside Alice and turning her to face him. He smiled painfully at her, brushing wayward strands of hair from her eyes. “Alice, I’m not certain Emma here can do that, darling.”

“But she said she can do magic, Papa. You said magic was keeping me here,” Alice protested, scowling at him. He knew that look, that deep frown. She was trying to force her tears back, and she was getting ready to start a fight. It broke his heart to keep disappointing her, but he had no choice.

“What is she talking about?” Emma asked, drawing the attention of both father and daughter toward her again. “Is she being kept here against her will?” she demanded, raising to her full height, and her hand placed on the pommel of her sword threateningly.

Her response irked Killian, as irrational as it was. Emma had no inkling of his or Alice’s history, but she already seemed to have jumped to an unsavory conclusion. That just rubbed him wrong. He rose to his feet too, lifting Alice with him. “I’m not sure you have any right to imply whatever it is you are, lass,” he warned her. “My daughter was cursed to the confines of this wretched tower, but if you dare insinuate that I am holding her hostage, I-” Keeping in mind the presence of his child, he held back on his threats. “It would not end well for you, princess or not.”

He saw Emma’s stance relax, her guilt evident as she glanced away from his gaze. He was glad that no matter how long it had been since he had given up being a pirate, he was still able to exude an air of authority. “I-I’m sorry. I spoke out of turn,” Emma replied, sounding remorseful. She seemed to hesitate before adding. “I know you want me gone, but I am trained in magic and the mystical arts - I could see what I could do about the spell keeping your daughter in this tower.”

Alice’s face lit up at Emma’s offer, and she was nodding before Killian could even process what Emma had said. Emma looked to Killian then, sensing his reluctance. “My word may not mean much to you, but I swear, I will not do anything to harm you or your daughter.”

Killian swallowed thickly, knowing that he had no choice but to agree. There was no more harm this woman could do. Alice was already stuck in this tower. If there was even a small chance that Emma could free his child, he had to trust her. “Aye, you’re right. I will pay you handsomely for your work, lass - if there is any chance at all to free my girl of her imprisonment, I want to know.”

Alice leaned tiredly against his shoulder then, making him realise how late it was. “That can wait till morning. I should put this little lass to bed,” he said, adjusting his grip on Alice. “You can take the hammock, Emma. I can sleep on the bed here, with Alice.”

Emma nodded, smiling and waving goodnight to Alice. “Thank you…?”

“Killian Jones, milady. I’d bow, but I have precious cargo in my arms,” he joked. Emma waved him off, smiling at a now sleeping Alice.

“Thank you, _Killian Jones_. I appreciate you letting me stay the night.” Killian nodded, walking to the secluded corner that served as Alice’s room, drawing the heavy curtains to afford them some privacy.

He place Alice under her cover gently, trying not to jostle her awake. He knelt at her bedside, smiling at the peaceful look on his daughter’s face, knuckles tracing her cheek softly, before he brushed a kiss goodnight on her forehead. He then settled on the armchair next to her bed, keeping watch. As much as he would like to trust this woman, he knew better. No matter how noble she might portray her intentions as, magic always came with a price. He could not afford that price to be Alice.

-/-

_Present : Land without Magic_

It was quite late in the evening when Emma finally reached her destination, and she was weary from both the plane ride and her commute to this little town. She could not wait to see Killian; if she had a little less restraint, she would have gone knocking on his door, his lack of memories be damned. She was half-tempted to do that, but she couldn’t bring herself to disrupt his life so abruptly. She did need him to help her find Alice, yes, but selfishly, she wanted just a moment with him before he remembered.

She sat heavily on the bed at the inn where she was staying. Her hand once again reached for the ring around her neck, feeling the warmth of the magic residing in it. While she could not strictly use magic in this land, it did not mean she couldn’t channel magical objects. She wasn’t a fool, coming here with no way to defend herself against Gothel. She was certain that vile witch had own arsenal for her dark magic.

Emma brought her feet up, sitting more comfortably on the bed before she grabbed her journal. She made sure to record everything that had happened in the past twenty years, all of Alice’s milestones and about their adventures together. The first few weeks after Killian left them, when Alice was inconsolable, writing had been Emma’s solace, the only way she could talk about her own anger and frustration, her heartbreak and pain. A part of her was uncertain if she would ever show it to Killian, knowing how much it would hurt him. She would gladly tell him anything he wanted to know, but for now, this journal was for her eyes alone.

There had been days, in the beginning, when she had snuck back to the ruins of the tower sometimes, selfishly wishing for a moment that they had never tried to break the spell. The next, she would remember how miserable Alice had been, stuck within those walls, and hated herself for ever wanting to go back to such times. Days like that, her dark days, those were the hardest - when she was filled with nothing but anger and hate toward Killian, Gothel, the whole lot of them. But the person she hated the most was herself, for it was her idea that led to their downfall in the first place. Emma diligently penned her thoughts down, the self-loathing rising and cresting within her. She would take this moment now, to dwell and cry; tomorrow would be a new day. She had a pirate to find and a family to reunite, and hoped desperately that she was still welcome in that family.

-/-

_21 years ago : The Enchanted Forest_

Emma blinked against the too-bright light falling through the large window, stretching her arms above her head. She almost toppled over in her hammock, catching herself before she fell and managing to land on her feet with all the grace of a drunkard. She squinted at her surroundings, trying to catch her bearings; it took her a moment to remember where she was. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, looking around the room, searching for Killian Jones and his daughter. At that exact moment, the man himself walked from the alcove that served as Alice’s room, carrying the half-asleep child in his arms.

“Good morning, lass,” he greeted, his voice hoarse and quiet. “Alice is not a morning person,” he whispered in explanation as he headed to the small kitchen area, getting a fire going and setting water to boil, all one-handedly while holding his daughter, as if he had done it a thousand times before. He probably had.

“Good morning,” Emma murmured. “If you want, I could hold Alice for you,” she offered, feeling useless as he went about his morning routine.

“That’s quite alright,” he said, refusing her as politely as he could. And if she noticed Killian’s grip on Alice tightening, she chose to ignore it. “Would you like some tea?”

“That would be lovely, thank you.” Emma observed him quietly, a pang in her chest as she saw him interact with a sleepy Alice, whispering to his child with a soft cadence to this voice.

As if sensing her eyes on him and Alice, Killian looked up and their gazes met. She held it for a moment too long before she averted her eyes, embarrassed at being caught staring. Killian cleared his throat, adjusting his hold on Alice. “The spell, ahem, how long would that take you?”

“It should not take me long to assess how strong the barrier that is keeping your daughter in here is. But do you mind telling me a bit more about how it happened? It might help me understand the original spell better.”

Killian, who had been pouring their tea, almost dropped the kettle at her question. He froze for a moment, looking down at Alice with a pained expression. He did not want to rehash it if she was awake, but fortunately, Alice was still asleep. He brushed a hand down his daughter’s locks, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead, and finally turned to Emma again. “A witch used blood magic to keep her trapped in here. I can leave the tower and come back - anyone can, as you know - but Alice cannot. She has been trapped in here from the moment she was born.”

Emma exhaled sharply, her heart hurting for the little girl. She knew well enough how unfair having one’s freedom and choice taken away could feel. She could not imagine knowing nothing beyond these walls from the moment she was born. “I am so sorry to hear that, Killian.” She hesitated before asking, “What about Alice’s mother?”

“She is no longer in the picture,” Killian snapped, startling Emma. He took a deep breath, calming himself before he continued. “She is not here. Now, I would appreciate it if you could get on with the spell, aye?”

-/-

_Present : Land without magic_

Killian woke up feeling extremely restless that morning. He spent an hour in the home gym working up a sweat. He wished he could work on his new book, but he had promised Will not to keep messing with it, to leave it be. _It’s perfect as is, Jones. At some point, you need to stop editing_ , he’d said when Killian had called him last night with a few changes. All he had left was the dedication. After all these years of the same single line, he felt it was time to change it. He’d always dedicated his books to the people who struggle the same way he had with his alcoholism, and while that would remain the same, it just did not seem like enough this time around. He hadn’t told Will this yet, but this would be the last book in his series - _The Davy Jones Chronicles._ It felt like a good place to end Captain Hook’s story, as elusive as it was.

Maybe that was why he felt so restless. _Or maybe you are still thrown off by Eloise_ , a voice at the back of his head said. Which he dismissed quickly, of course. There was nothing wrong with the woman: she just came on a little too strong. Maybe a walk into town would help clear his head, and help expel his restless energy. With the decision made, Killian had a quick shower, got dressed, and headed into town for the day.

After a quick stop for breakfast at his favorite little cafe at the bottom of the hill his cottage was on, he found himself wandering Main Street aimlessly. While he had been in this quaint town for a little over a month, he hadn’t taken the time to fully explore it. A Wednesday seemed like the perfect day to do just that - most people would be at work, and he could take his own sweet time. He ducked into a small alley, not unlike the one Eloise’s shop was in, surprised by the number of vintage and antiquities shops housed in the narrow lane.

He took his time exploring each one, with no agenda in mind. One of the stores seemed to have a nautical theme going on, intriguing him. He stepped in, looking around with a childlike wonder; he was hit with an odd sense of nostalgia, a certain longing for the life of a pirate that he only had written about so far. He hadn’t been out on the ocean in a long while, not since his brother passed. It never felt right to go without Liam at his side. He turned his back on that life a long time ago; it was only Captain Hook who now had adventures on the water, not Killian Jones.

He stopped short when he spotted a compass on the display case. It was a fairly ordinary one, but it gave him a strange sense of deja vu. He stood there staring at it for so long that the salesperson approached him, asking if he was interested in taking a closer look. For a moment, he was tempted, even perhaps to purchase it; but the moment passed and he decided against it. What could he possibly need a compass for?

He wandered out of the store, meandering through the same alley. It was only when he was passing a secondhand bookstore that something caught his eye in his periphery, making him halt in his tracks. He turned, eyes wide in disbelief, staring through the glass display window of the store at the person inside. It was the blonde haired woman from his dreams, he knew it. He had never seen her face, but he’d seen her from behind and this woman, whoever she was, was her. She had her back to him, so he made a quick decision, pushing his way through the door, his eyes never leaving her. She turned away from the person she was conversing with when she heard the bell, her eyes falling on his.

The moment his eyes met her sharp green ones, Killian’s breath hitched, and he could have sworn his heart had skipped a beat. She stared at him with the same kind of surprise, lips parted slightly, and Killian wondered if she was having a similar visceral reaction as he did. Before he could stop himself, he drew closer to her. “You...I…” He struggled to speak, not knowing how he could explain himself.

After watching him struggle for a moment longer, the woman finally spoke, a barely discernible tremble in her voice. “Are you alright, sir?” she asked, politely. With no recognition in her eyes. She didn’t know him and for some reason he could feel the disappointment swell deep in his chest.

When he realised the woman was still waiting for his response, he drew back from his thoughts. “Yes, yes. I’m fine,” he assured her, feeling the heat rise to his cheeks. “I’m sorry, you just look very familiar.” When he saw her shoulders tense, he felt the need to apologise. “I must be mistaken, forgive me. Killian Jones.” He held out his hand.

She seemed to hesitate for a moment, her hand clutching the chain around her neck briefly before she took his hand and said, “Emma. Swan. I-I’m sorry I wasn’t who you were looking for.”

Killian was not certain, but Emma seemed oddly upset at that. He noticed the book she had been holding, making him grin involuntarily. “ _The Davy Jones Chronicles?_ Excellent choice,” he commented gleefully.

Emma laughed softly, clutching the book tighter. “I read the first book in the series and got, shall I say, _hooked_.”

Now it was his turn to laugh, rubbing at the back of his neck. _Did she know_ ? he wondered. _Did she know that I am the one who wrote it_?

It seemed to have dawned on Emma at the same time, as her eyes widened. “Wait, Killian Jones? As in the writer? This is _your_ book?”

He chuckled in embarrassment, nodding at her. “Yeah, it is. I-I’m really glad you like it, Miss Swan.”

“Emma is fine,” she replied, waving at him dismissively.

“Right. Emma.” He felt a strange connection to this Emma Swan, but he did not want to come off too strong, again, and frighten her. He was so certain that she was the blonde haired woman from his dreams; as crazy as that sounded, he believed that with all his heart. “Perhaps, we could discuss books that _aren’t_ mine over a cup of coffee?” he suggested, all while berating himself for being too forward.

Emma seemed like she wanted to decline, but she surprised him. “I’d like that, Killian.”

-/-

_21 years ago : The Enchanted Forest_

Killian returned from putting Alice back in bed, soothing her sleepy questions with assured murmurs. “I’ll be right back, love,” he whispered, extracting himself from her hold.

When he returned to the front room, he found Emma pacing, holding a small, weathered notebook in her hands. “Are you ready, Emma?” he asked, startling her.

She looked up at him contemplatively, before she nodded. “Yes, I am. But I’m going to need a small drop of Alice’s blood.”

“Absolutely not!” Killian protested, his fierce protectiveness rising to the fore. “You will not harm her.”

“Killian, she is trapped by blood magic,” Emma tried to explain, but he cut her off.

“I don’t bloody well care,” he snarled. “Find another way.”

“It’s just a drop-”

“Another. Way,” he growled out. “I am not going to wake my sleeping child just so you can take her blood. I thought you were going to assess how strong the barrier was.”

“I was just trying to think ahead,” Emma snapped, losing her patience. “Isn’t that the logical next step, to break the barrier?”

“We will come to that when we do,” he argued. “First tell me if we can break it.”

Emma seemed ready to counter, but she held her tongue, scowling at him. “Fine.” She walked toward the window, holding her hand out as if to touch the barrier. Killian knew from experience that only Alice would be able to see and touch it. It was meant only for her, after all. Which is why, when he saw the slight shimmer of the barrier, he was taken aback.

“Was that you?” he asked, standing next to Emma.

“Yes, now keep quiet. I need to concentrate,” she hissed, her eyes closed.

He watched her while she worked, a small furrow between her eyebrows. Killian felt a swell of gratitude for Emma, knowing that she could have lied about her magic, or even refused to humour Alice and help them. But she went out her way to try and find a way to break the spell, even without him asking that of her. And he had been nothing but curt and cutting. Liam would disapprove greatly of his behaviour, tell him it was bad form.

He was brought back to the present when he heard Emma gasp. He saw her pull her hands back, cradling them against her chest. He went on alert, turning her by the shoulder to face him, not thinking about how forward he was being. “What is it? Are you alright?”

Emma nodded unconvincingly, biting into her lip quite hard. “It’s nothing. Whoever put up the spell is pretty fucking awful,” she swore, walking to the cask of water in the kitchen, grabbing a bowl and filling it with water.

“Emma, what happened?” Killian asked, following her. He stopped when he saw her hands, his breath catching in his throat. They were burned, badly. “Bloody hell, lass.”

Emma ignored him, pouring the cold water over her wounds, wincing in pain.

“Let me help you with that, darling,” he said, grabbing the bowl from her. If either of the them noticed the change in endearment, they did not comment on it. He washed her wound more thoroughly, holding her hand firmly with his hook.

“You don’t have to do this,” Emma murmured, trying not to hiss. Killian did not respond, instead grabbing a box off a nearby shelf, opening it and grabbing some fresh cloth and a salve.

“This will help with the burns,” he explained, indicating her to hold her hand out. “This will sting,” he warned, applying the clear substance on her hands, shushing her when she cried out. “My Alice gets into a lot of scrapes, the little monkey. I always have medicine at hand.”

“Is that supposed to be funny?” Emma asked, wincing when he pressed the cloth over her hand, wrapping it around her hand.

He chuckled, shaking his head. “I try.” He shrugged. “Now hold still.” He finished wrapping the bandage, using his teeth to tie it, his eyes never leaving hers.

Emma swallowed thickly. She quickly looked away, letting him finish treating her other hand. When he did, she pulled her hands back, clearing her throat. “Thanks.”

“Emma, you just got burned doing magic for my daughter. Patching you up was the least I could do.” He pulled up a stool, making her sit, before he continued. “Now, what happened?”

“Well, the witch who put up the spell made sure it can’t be broken by another magic user. A great contingency plan, burn the magic right out of the other person,” she complained.

Killian sucked in a sharp breath. “Bloody hell, don’t tell me your magic-”

“No, no,” she assured him. “Light magic is not that easy to destroy. But that’s why I was burned. My magic is temporarily, let’s say, paralysed. I can’t use it for a while, but it’ll come back, don’t worry,” she said, much too flippantly for Killian’s taste.

“Of course I’ll worry, Emma. This- this happened because of me. I’m so sorry.”

She squeezed his arm reassuringly. “Hey, it’s alright. If I had to, I would do it again.”

“Why? Why help us? You don’t even know us.”

Emma breathed out deeply, looking down at her hands and avoiding his gaze. “I never got the chance to save my parents. I hated my magic for a long time...but I have a gift. I couldn’t waste it. Helping you and Alice is the right thing to do. It’s what they would have done. This is the only way I can honour them.”

-/-

_Present: Land without Magic_

“Since you know what I do for a living, I seem to be at a disadvantage here, lass. Care to share?” Killian asked, looking at her over his large cup of coffee.

Emma panicked, unsure what would pass for a proper job in this realm. “I- I’m in the business of helping people in need,” she said finally, hiding her own nerves by taking a large sip of her milkshake.

“A volunteer? That’s wonderful, Emma,” he praised, his eyes lighting up. Emma resisted the urge to lean over and kiss him. It was extremely hard, seeing the man she loved - who, in their world, in a world where he had his memories and no dark curse, loved her back - sitting across from her, right within arms reach, after twenty years of separation, and not be _with_ him. Not be able to hold him, and kiss him. Not be able to share her troubles with him, and have him just _be there_ for her. This was Killian Jones, the essence of him had not changed with the false memories and two decades, but it was not _her_ Killian Jones - her pirate, her love, the father of her favorite child.

However, he was physically the same. Same handsome, soft features; same stormy eyes; same sharp jawline. If she hadn’t suffered through these years, she would not have believed that it’s been twenty years.

“Emma? Are you still with me?” Killian asked, waving a hand in front of her face, drawing her away from her reminiscing.

She shook her head, smiling at him. “Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Uh, what were you saying?”

“I was just asking what kind of volunteering do you do?”

And frankly, being put on the spot, the only thing Emma could think of was… “Hospital. I volunteer at the hospital.”

Killian looked impressed, and seemed like he was about to ask her more about her job. She had to divert him from that, lest she blurt something suspicious. So far she had been able to blend in well in this world, and not attract any attention to herself. The longer she stayed hidden, the less likely she would alert Gothel to her presence. She reached for his hand without further thought, drawing his attention away from whatever he was about to ask her.

“So, Killian Jones. What made you come up with the pirate story?” she asked, her smile coy.

He huffed out a chuckle, his hand scratching behind his ear. The move was something _her_ Killian did, especially when he was embarrassed or shy. It made her heart constrict. No matter what, _he_ was still in there. No curse or memory spell would take that away from him. She was so caught up in her own thoughts, again, she almost missed what he said. “-came to me in my dream. It felt so real, like they were my memories, from a past life or something.”

Emma looked up sharply, wondering if he actually remembered something. “Dreams? What kind of dreams?” she asked, hoping her tone conveyed mild curiosity and not the desperation that she felt.

He hesitated, and Emma hoped that he wasn’t regretting telling her. “Oh, just dreams, you know? That I was a pirate captain, Captain Hook,” he huffed, holding up his prosthetic. “Maybe my subconscious was trying to make me feel better about my lack of a hand,” he tried to joke, but Emma could sense the pain in his words. And so she did something she often used to do back home. She grabbed both his hand, real and prosthetic, in her hands, holding them with equal tenderness.

“You don’t need to play it off, Killian. It’s alright to mourn a loss,” she whispered, hoping that she was not overstepping. She was not _used_ to stepping on eggshells around him, it was so odd for her to be careful of how familiar she was with him.

Thankfully, he did not seem to be offended by her forwardness, instead smiling at her gratefully. “Thank you, Emma. That was kind of you to say.”

She squeezed both his hands, her own heart swelling. It had been far too long since she could touch him, that something as simple as hand-holding made her want to never let go. A voice at the back of her head told her to get it over with, to give him his memories back. That he would want that, knowing Alice was in danger. Despite what Alice had told her, she really did want to, But he had been selfish once, forcing this on them. It was her turn to be selfish, to have this moment with him, just for a while, and not worry about Gothel or the curse or anything else. Just for a moment.

He would hate her for it later, she knew. But she had to do what was right, for her, just once.

-/-

Emma and Killian had spent the rest of the afternoon, and most of the evening, talking, sharing a couple of bottles of wine between the two of them. Emma listened, enraptured, as he told her about his travels. And Killian in turn asked her about her volunteer work, and she told him as much as she could without sounding crazy. They parted ways, albeit quite reluctantly, with each other’s numbers in their respective phones, with a promise of him calling her soon.

She walked back to where she was staying, a large smile on her face. She was practically skipping! But much like all good things, her happiness too was short lived. She rounded a corner, and ran into the last person she was expecting to see.

“Gothel,” she gasped, her hand flying to her ring, and drawing power from it. But before she could react, Gothel drove her hand through her chest.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Princess Emma,” she taunted, squeezing Emma’s heart and making her wheeze at the pressure, her hand clutching Gothel’s arm, trying to get her to budge.

“Let- let me go.”

“I might not be able to take your heart, Princess. But for what I have planned, I don’t need to remove your heart. I just need to poison it.”

Emma struggled in her hold, her eyes tearing up. “You can’t stop me,” Emma panted, shouting in pain when Gothel’s vile magic entered her heart.

“Oh, this is just to subdue you, dear. I’ll find Killian before you’ll get a chance to warn him.” And with that, she pulled her hand out of Emma’s chest, leaving her slumped against the wall, struggling to catch her breath. “You should have taken the chance when you had it, dear. Didn’t your mother teach you not to dawdle?”

Emma clutched at her chest, feeling the poison do its work. Despite the pain she was in, Emma couldn’t help the relief that spread through her. She might have waited to tell Killian the truth, but she was not a fool. He was protected by a very strong cloaking spell, and it would take Gothel a while to break it. Emma just hoped that she would recover before Gothel managed to find Killian.

That was her last thought before the world turned dark and Emma lay slumped against the alley wall, alone and powerless.

-/-

Later that night, Killian’s dreams were plagued by the same blonde woman. But this one was much different that the other dreams. The little girl, Alice, who called him Papa was not there. It was just the blonde, with her back turned to him, still. But before he could resign himself to the fact that he would yet again wake up before he could see who she was, she turned, making him gasp out loud when he saw her face.

“Emma,” he said, breathlessly. “I knew it.”

“Run,” she whispered back. “Run!”

Killian gasped awake, a sharp pain radiating through his chest. But despite the pain, and abruptly waking up, he remembered his dream very clearly. The blonde from his dreams was real, it was Emma.

Which meant….Which meant Alice must be real too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna figure out how to post stuff on ao3 i s2g


	3. Born with a weak heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welp, what's going to happen to Emma in the Land without Magic? Meanwhile, in the past, Emma, Alice and Killian start bonding. It's cute, it's fluffy, it's angsty. It's mostly angsty, so have fun, y'all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kind words and the kudos everyone.
> 
> There's been such an amazing collection of fanfictions this year, so make sure to check out the @captainswanbigbang page on tumblr. The mods have turned this into a well oiled machine indeed.
> 
> I'm so blessed to have two amazing artists who have supported 'At the Heart of Darkness' with their own artwork. @sambethe made this amazing banner and the artwork in the previous chapter. (i figured it out technology is pretty easy) I cannot wait for you to see the rest of what she has in store, it's freaking amazing. She's been a voice of calm through all of my anxiety riddled moments. 
> 
> @downeystarkjr made a teaser video that I am still obsessed about. It's making me feel such human emotions, like gratitude and nice-ness. 
> 
> ALSO CAN I HAVE A BIG SHOUTOUT TO MAGGIE aka @accio-ambition. I wouldn't have finished this fic without her support. She's the best, and like, thanks for shouting at me about consistency. Go check out her contribution to BB guys, you will NOT be disappointed.
> 
> ALSO I have no medical knowledge whatsoever, and the medical jargon in this chapter is based purely on internet searches and a little bit from Grey's Anatomy. Speaking of Grey's, there's a familiar character in this chapter ;)

_ _

_ 21 years ago : The Enchanted Forest _

Emma sat in the small corner Killian had cleared out for her, making up a bed for her to sleep on. She did not know how she could repay his kindness, but perhaps helping Alice get out of this tower would be a step in the right direction.

Speaking of Alice, she heard the little girl giggle from her room, and while she could not hear what Killian was saying to his daughter, she could hear the humour in his tone. Having spent the last two weeks in their company and watching them interact sent a sharp pang of jealousy through Emma. She felt awful for even thinking that, but she couldn’t help herself. She had once been that close with her own father, and now he was dust and ashes, as was her mother – and she was all alone, forced to run from her own land.

What made her feel even worse was how in  _ this  _ reality, there existed a Snow White and Prince Charming who had succeeded in defeating Regina, and they got to be parents to this reality’s Emma. It was unfair that she had to spend  _ years _ imprisoned along with her parents, and grow up with Regina’s wrath hanging over their heads like a precarious sword. Her parents had tried desperately to hold on to hope, to bring Emma up with the same kind of positivity that they had. But she couldn’t, not when she was ripped away from her parents when she was only seven years old, forced to watch them be executed, and be forced to spend the following two decades under Regina’s reign. 

Regina might have loved Emma as her ward, in her own twisted, dark way. She had kept Emma safe, taught her about magic, told her that no one else had to pay the price for her Snow White’s folly. That they could be a family. But after what Regina did to her parents - to their legacy, their kingdom and the people - Emma could never love her.

If she had been braver, she would have faced off against Regina, fought for her kingdom. But it stopped being hers a long time ago, and the only thing she would ever associate that place with was how everyone had failed her parents. She tried for years after her escape to let go of her anger, to rationalise why her people slowly started losing faith in Snow and David. But she couldn’t, not when she could remember clear as day how she had cried out, pleaded,  _ begged _ the people who had witnessed their execution. She could remember how even Grumpy had turned away from her, unable to see her pain, unwilling to help. At the end of the day, it was not Regina’s power or evil that ended her parents’ regime: it had been their people, who had so easily given up on them.

She heard Killian and Alice laugh, much louder now, and felt the traitorous tears burn her eyes. She tried to distract herself, tried to read the grimoire in front of her. But she couldn’t stop a few from slipping, blurring her vision and falling on the page in front of her. She couldn’t allow Killian or Alice see her like this. They hardly knew her, and she did not want them to know her full history. She was not ready for the pity that would clearly follow when she told Killian the truth. She quickly dried her tears, composing herself.

She read the page she had been on, a curious expression flitting on her face. Maybe instead of looking for one spell, she could modify and combine two or more, using only the elements she needed. She would need a binding agent, perhaps, but if she tried, she could build a new spell. The only problem was that she had no idea if there would be any consequences to breaking the spell. The witch who had cursed Alice in this tower seemed to have thought of repelling magic users, Emma would not be surprised if she had something in place in case Alice managed to free herself from this spell.

“Any luck?” Killian asked, startling her. “Sorry, did I scare you?”

“No, no. I just did not notice you come over.” After a moment of awkward staring, Emma realised he had asked her a question. “I- I don’t have an answer, but I may have some ideas. I’m uncertain how good they are, but I will not stop trying.”

Something shifted in Killian’s expression, as he sat next to her. “I have no words to thank you for your help, Emma.”

“You allowing me to stay here is thank you enough,” she assured him. “In fact, I am the one who is indebted to you. You don’t even know me, and yet you trust me enough to stay with your child.”

“I don’t need to know you to see you are a good person,” Killian said, reaching for her bandaged hands. 

Emma held his gaze for a moment, the depth of emotions drawing her in, hypnotising her. As guarded as Killian Jones may think he was, she could read him like an open book. She could see how much he wanted for Alice to be free; she could not help her parents escape from their fate, but she will be damned if she can’t help Alice escape hers.

“Alice is lucky to have you,” Emma whispered, pulling her hand away from his and focusing her attention on the grimoire in her lap. She could see him hesitate in her periphery, as if he wanted to say more. When he seemed to decide against it and walked away, Emma didn’t know why she felt disappointed.

_ The Present : The Land without Magic _

Emma woke up in a panic, eyes flying open and breath caught in her chest. She had dreamt that Eloise had poisoned her heart, left her in an alley; that couldn’t possibly be true, could it? It took her a moment to orient herself, as she struggled to make sense of the incessant noise that surrounded her. She noticed that she was not lying in her own bed, and her body felt weighed down, sluggish. She looked around for the source of the noise, only to find various machines near her, with wires leading to her arm, and a strange tube in her throat restricting her breathing. Her brows furrowed in confusion, and her panic increased; she could feel her heart rate increase, and the noise from the machines just kept getting louder. Just when she was about ready to rip the wires from her arms, a group of people rushed through the glass door to the room she was in.

She wished she could hear what they were shouting, but the only thing she could hear was her own heartbeat, which only seemed to grow louder the more she panicked. She felt people swim in and out of her vision, their voices distant and echoing as they spoke to her. She felt the tube from her throat being removed, making it easier for her to breathe. She sucked in deep, sharp breaths, tears of relief pricking her eyes.

“Easy there, you’re fine. You’re fine,” a soft, sure voice sounded to her right, hands still gently holding her down. Emma turned toward the person who spoke, finding a man in a white coat. His grey eyes were steady on hers, helping her regulate her breathing and relax in her bed.

“You are at St. John’s Hospital. My name is Dr. Nathan Riggs, I am a cardiothoracic surgeon. You had heart surgery, but you are fine now, alright? Do you hear me?”

Emma stared at him in confusion, unable to register what he had just said.  _ Heart surgery? Was this because of Gothel’s magic? _

“Emma, do you understand me?” he repeated, waiting patiently for her response.

She swallowed thickly, her hand going to her chest, feeling the bandages wrapped around it. “I had heart surgery?” she asked, her voice hoarse.

“You did, yes. You walked into our emergency room, do you remember that?”

She shook her head, watching as he checked the machines around her. “I didn’t realise I had a problem with my heart.”

His sharp eyes focused on her again, his brows furrowing. “Are you sure? Because by the looks of it, you had an infection that affected your heart. It’s not something that happens suddenly.”

Emma squeezed her eyes closed. Her magic did not work as effectively as it usually did against Gothel’s spell; any magic cast in the Land without Magic would be more unpredictable, more volatile, with more side-effects. This must because of that; she must have brought herself to the hospital. “Have you fixed it then? My heart?” she asked, ignoring Dr. Riggs’ question.

“I...Well, yes, I did. But Miss Swan-”

“If you fixed it, then when can I leave? I have somewhere to be.”

He scoffed before catching himself. “My apologies. But you had heart surgery. You have been unconscious for a month. It will take awhile for your body to recuperate. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t seem like you will be leaving here anytime soon.”

Emma’s eyes widened. “I was unconscious for a  _ month _ ?!” 

Dr. Riggs glanced at the machine next to her, before he focused on her again. “Miss Swan, you need to calm down. I will answer all of your questions, but I need you to calm down. Your heartbeat is increasing rapidly. I don’t want to put you at any more of a risk.”

Emma breathed out, knowing that the only way she would be able to get out of here is if she listened to this doctor. Perhaps she could use some of her magic to speed along her recovery. Her hand automatically reached for the ring, only to find it missing. 

“Dr. Riggs, what happened to the ring I was wearing?”

-/-

_ 21 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

Emma was writing down her ideas for the new spell she was creating when she a shadow fell across her parchment, drawing her attention to the little girl peeking over her shoulder. “Hello,” Emma greeted Alice, smiling pleasantly at her.

“Hello,” Alice echoed in tone and everything, blinking at Emma. No matter how much she envied the relationship between Alice and her father, Emma couldn’t help but feel awful for this little girl. All she had was the company of her father these past five years, stuck in this small, one-roomed tower. Meeting Emma must be an entirely new experience for Alice; she had to learn to talk to a stranger, get comfortable and familiar with her, perhaps even learn to trust her. Emma hadn’t really attempted to bond with Alice, but it was time to change that. There was no telling how long it would take to find a solution to this spell that has kept Alice trapped here.

She spied Killian making lunch from the corner of her eye and realised that Alice was simply looking for some company, maybe even some fun. Emma never had a chance to indulge in  _ fun _ as a child, never had the chance to be free. In some ways, her childhood and Alice’s seem to be on the same track.

“Would you like to play a game?” Emma asked, watching a wide cheshire grin take over Alice’s face.

-/-

“Alright, grub’s up, Starfish!” Emma heard Killian call out and shushed Alice as she giggled.

“Your Papa is going to be very surprised, huh?” Emma asked, adjusting the patch of cloth over Alice’s eye. The little blonde nodded enthusiastically, mimicking a hook and faux-growling.

“Alice, love. Come on!” Killian called out again.

“Think pirate,” Emma whispered, ushering Alice toward the main room. She watched with a smile as Alice approached Killian, grinning as he gaped at his daughter, all dressed up in pirate garb.

“Well, aren’t you the littlest pirate there ever was,” he gushed, his surprise turning into a sweet playfulness.

“Arrrrrgh,” Alice growled. “I’m yer best mate, Papa.” Killian laughed, grabbing her and settling her on his hip.

“It’s first mate, Starfish. You will always be my first mate.”

“Emma made this for me,” Alice bragged, turning to Emma and waving her over. “She taught me the pirate voices, too, Papa.”

“Meet a lot of pirates, did you, lass?” Killian teased, grinning at Emma.

She laughed, shaking her head. “I just thought playing dress-up would be fun for Alice.”

“It  _ is _ fun for Alice!” Alice agreed. “Papa, you be the C’pn.” Emma couldn’t help but be amused by Alice’s baby-lisp making her struggle with saying  _ Captain _ .

“Aye, and what of Emma?” Killian asked, shooting Emma a sly grin.

“Oh, yes! I forgot!” Alice gasped. “What should she play?”

Killian seemed to think for a while, before his eyes lit up and he grinned broadly at Emma. “How about the Swan Princess?”

Emma’s eyes furrowed, as father and daughter exchanged glances and nodded to each other. “The Swan Princess?”

“She was a lost princess!” Alice explained. “She was taken away from her mummy and Papa when she was just a baby, but she found them again, years later.”

Emma’s breath caught in her throat, seeing Killian smile kindly at her. “She found them, huh?” Emma asked, her eyes misty.

“Papa and I read the story! She fights the evil witch and saves them. And they lived happily ever after. Do you want to be the Swan Princess, Emma?”

Emma nodded, swallowing thickly. She could see that he was trying to include her in whatever way he could; she could see it in the way he was with Alice as well, trying hard to make sure she never loses hope. Something her own parents did for as long as they could. For the first time in a long time, she felt like was a part of something, it didn’t matter how broken she was, she still seemed to fit with Killian and Alice.

“That sounds like fun,” she replied, smiling gratefully at Killian.

-/-

_ Present Day: Land without Magic _

Emma was getting antsy in her hospital bed, just waiting for her possessions to be returned to her so she could channel her magic and accelerate her healing. She was about to call for someone, when Dr. Riggs walked into her room, a bag in his hand.

“Sorry for the delay, Miss Swan, but a promise is a promise.” He paused, watching her root through it and grab the ring. “Miss Swan-”

“Dr. Riggs, you saved my life. I think it’s time you call me Emma.” She smiled, her relief and gratitude helping her relax a bit more.

“Alright, then, Emma. Is there someone I could call for you? A family member, or perhaps a friend?” he asked. She could hear the concern in his voice, and she was sure he had the right intentions in asking her. But simply the reminder that she had no one to be there was enough to overwhelm her. She was alone and vulnerable in this land, without Alice and without her magic, without  _ Killian _ . Without hope.

But she pushed her pain down for now; she had a plan to get Killian back, to get Alice. She just hesitated and it cost her a lot. She had faced Gothel only once before, but she should have known what a formidable foe she was. She cleared her throat, shaking her head at Dr. Riggs. “No, there isn’t anyone to call.”

“Oh, I’m-”

“How soon can I get out of here, Dr. Riggs? I have some place I need to be.” She tried to adjust her posture, but gave up when it became too painful. She wanted so badly to use her magic, now that she had access to it. But it would only arouse the suspicion of the doctors, and could possibly delay her leaving here. She would just have to wait until she was allowed to go home.

“Emma, the only place you need to be is here. I’m not certain discharging you soon would be the best option if you have no one take care of you.”

Emma’s eyes snapped to his, her nostrils flaring in anger. “I’ve never needed anyone to take care of me before, and I do not intend to start now. You don’t know me, so don’t pretend to. Do not try and empathise with me, or relate to me. I have been through much worse than this.”

“Much worse than needing emergency heart surgery?” he asked incredulously. “Now, you may not remember this, but you have been in and out of consciousness for weeks. You need the rest, you cannot just bounce back. That would only hurt you.”

“But-”

“Emma, I may not know what you’ve been through. But I know how to do my job. Now, please, just give me a few weeks. Just focus on recuperating.”

She nodded curtly, and Dr. Riggs was smart enough to understand a dismissal when he saw one and left her alone. Emma squeezed her eyes shut, frustrated and helpless, stuck in a bed while Killian and Alice were both in danger. She could still feel Gothel’s toxic magic in her heart, and she knows that her weakened physically state would only make it that much harder to repel it. Even with the help of magic in the ring, she needed to rest.

She thought she was stronger this time around, more prepared to face Gothel. The last time she faced off against that wretch, Alice was taken and put under yet another spell. Everything had been a mess since Killian left them, and she thought she had it under her control, that she could take care of Alice in Killian’s stead, that she could find a way to save Killian and bring him back to them. But she was just adrift, unable to balance everything by herself. She had to hide her anger, her pain, her grief, and be there for a little girl who had to grow up without her father. She always saw Alice as her own, but it took Alice a while to see her the same way. They were family, and they worked - even without Killian, their broken parts fit together well enough to function. But after all this, if Killian found out how spectacularly she failed, she knew he would never forgive her.

Once, before they had started on the quest that was just the beginning of the end, they had promised that come what may, they would never hurt each other, and that Alice would always come first. Those were the words they had  _ promised _ to live by. But he hurt her when he left, so selfishly tying her to his life, forcing her to live through both his pain and hers. And now, inadvertently, she had hurt him. She lost the only true love in his life, and she prayed to all the gods that he wouldn’t hate her, that Gothel wouldn’t be so cruel as to harm her own daughter.

Was this what loving someone meant? Just constantly hurting each other until someone let go? If so, would he be the one to let go? Or would she be forced to do it again?

_ 21 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

Emma was sitting on the window ledge of the tower taking in the view in front of her, when she heard Killian approach. She smiled as he handed her some tea before turning her gaze back to the full moon. She assumed he would just leave, but he rested his arms on the ledge next to her thighs, closing his eyes against the cool, summer breeze.

“All things considered, this is quite the view,” she said, her voice soft, as if something more than a whisper would shatter the tranquility, no matter how much of an illusion it was. Especially in the circumstances Killian and his daughter have found themselves in.

“Aye,” he agreed. “It’s perhaps the one good thing about this tower, if there has to be one.” He seemed to hesitate, his gaze focused on his hand and hook, when he said, “Thank you for engaging Alice today. She’s never had anyone else to interact with but me, and I often worry how that would affect her when we do get out of here. I don’t ever want her to face rejection or ridicule.”

“I know what you mean. But Alice is such a bright child, and she adapts so quickly. With a father like you, she will be fine,” Emma assured him, squeezing his shoulder gently.

Killian flushed at her compliment, his hand reaching to scratch behind his ear in embarrassment. “I worry that no matter how hard I try, I am failing her somehow. I don’t want her to regret me in the future. It already pains me to see her trapped in here. She shouldn’t have to learn to deal with disappointment at such a young age.”

Emma felt a lump in her throat, every word he said resonating within her. She knew the kind of disappointment he spoke of, the pain. And she wondered if this was how her own parents felt, like they had failed her. Did they die thinking that? Would they suffer unrest because of that? She shook herself from these thoughts, focusing on the present instead. “You’re not failing her, Killian. It’s hard not to feel that way, but you’re doing the best you can, and then some. Alice is so brave, so smart, and even so well-adjusted, because you brought her up that way, and you continue to that. I’ve only spent a handful of weeks in your company and I can already see how much you mean to her. She worships you. It means you’re doing something right, doesn’t it?”

He remained quiet for so long that Emma wondered if that was the end of their conversation. So when he finally spoke, it startled her a little. “You seem to really understand Alice’s situation. It makes me wonder if-”

Emma cut him off before he finished that sentence, feeling uncomfortable discussing that particular subject. “ _ That _ is a story for another day, Jones,” she said, hoping she did not come off hostile.

“A story that perhaps I will be privy to?” he asked, a certain hopefulness in his question. This was so unlike the man she had met that first night, his sharp edges had peeled away, leaving a softness underneath. A softness that she was slowly coming to like.

She glanced at him from the corner of her eye, a small smirk adorning her face. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

A beat later, he turned fully toward her, prompting her to face him. Their eyes met, and in the quiet night, he confessed, “Perhaps I would.”

-/-

_ Present Day: Land without Magic _

“I would think that you like watching me in pain, Dr. Riggs,” Emma complained as they completed another lap around the hospital grounds.

He chuckled, leading her to a nearby bench. “It’s only been a week and you already show unbelievable progress, Emma. I’m just pushing you as much as I think you can take. No more, I promise.”

Emma nodded, content to sit for a while and catch her breath. Her assumption had been right - her magic wasn’t working as quickly and effectively as she had hoped. While her recovery was slower than she would like it to be, she was certain that once she was deemed fit to go home, she would be stronger, and so would her heart against Gothel’s spell.

“I know you’re a busy man, Dr. Riggs. I would have been content walking with the nurses.”

He ignored her comment; instead he simply said, “I lost someone once, a long time ago. Ever since then, I’ve never felt like I could stay in one place for long. I had to keep moving, like I had some place to go, and I just didn’t know where that was.”

Emma pursed her lips, angered by what he said. “I don’t know what you mean, Dr. Riggs.”

He smiled, his eyes trained on the horizon. “I think you do.”

Emma wanted to storm off then, unable to control her anger at the audacity of this man. “I am not running away,” she snapped, glaring at him.

Dr. Riggs finally turned to look at her. “I never said you were. I just meant,” he sighed. “I just meant I know what it’s like to feel lost. I have a feeling that whoever gave you that ring meant a great deal to you.”

Emma’s hand involuntarily reached for the ring, comforted by the warmth it radiated. “I don’t think this is an appropriate conversation to have with your patient, Dr. Riggs.”

He seemed to realised that he had pushed his boundaries, and looked appropriately chagrined. “Alright, fair enough. How about I just accompany you back to your room? I think we have had enough exercise for the day.”

When Emma was settled back in bed, and Dr. Riggs had checked her vitals, he made to leave. But Emma stopped him, feeling guilty for snapping at him earlier. He had only been trying to help her, and she had shut him down too quickly. She had gotten so used to not having someone to depend on that his attempts at camaraderie put her on edge. But if anything, her time here had only served to teach her how alone she was. If he was offering to be a friend, she ought to take him up on the offer, if only to quell the loneliness that plagued her every minute she was here. 

“Dr. Riggs, wait.” She sat up straighter, licking her lips before she continued. “I’m sorry for snapping at your earlier. It wasn’t fair.”

“That’s alright, Emma. I shouldn’t have overstepped,” he said dismissively.

“I- I’m sorry to hear you lost someone. I know what that feels like.”

He nodded, smiling stiffly. “For what it’s worth, you’ll find your way at some point. Grief and loneliness don’t last forever. Nothing does.”

Emma nodded, feeling a little better knowing that she was not the only one with a painful past. Perhaps, more than her body, her mind needed to heal as well. Perhaps it was time she started believing in the good in the world.

“I’ll send Dr. Edwards to check in on you soon, Emma. Rest up.”

-/-

_ Three weeks later _

“I do  _ not _ understand how you recovered so quickly. This is unheard of,” Dr. Riggs said, looking at Emma’s chart again. She simply beamed at him, glad that she could finally get out of the hospital and recuperate at home. She was not back to her complete strength yet, but she felt much stronger than she had in a while. The magic in her ring, however, was not unlimited and had depleted quite a bit. She had to rest for another month or so before she attempted to find Killian again.

“Maybe it was magic,” Emma replied cheekily, making him scoff.

“Yeah, the magic of my skills as a doctor,” he rolled his eyes. “Either way, I am glad to see that you’re feeling better, and I am very confident about discharging you now. You better come back in two weeks for your check-up.”

“If I do, would you then allow me to travel on an airplane?”

“Have somewhere to be, Miss Swan?” he asked, eyebrows raised inquisitively.

“Maybe. Or maybe I just want to travel a bit.”

“For some unfathomable reason, I do not believe you one bit,” Dr. Riggs shot back dryly. “But my job is just to fix your heart, which I did. Don’t exert yourself, and do not make those travel plans without my say so, you understand?”

Emma resisted the urge to roll her eyes, and simply nodded. And when the nurse rolled in a chair with wheels, insisting that she needed to take it to the exit, she relented without much of a fight. Because if anything, the past three weeks had taught her that for once, she needed to put herself first. If she kept risking her life, there would be no one to save Killian and Alice, and she could not allow that to happen. Not when she was the reason they were all in this bind to begin with.

Gothel got the upper hand and crippled her, made her feel powerless. She had done that twice now, and Emma was not going to let that happen a third time.

-/-

_ 21 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

“You were a real pirate?!” Emma’s eyebrows were so high up, they practically disappeared into her hairline. “How have you kept this from me for two whole weeks?”

Killian chuckled, going back to shuffling the deck of cards in his hand. He wasn’t certain how the topic had come up, but when she’d accused him of cheating, it just slipped out. It took him a moment to realise that he hadn’t yet told her of his past. “Aye. I assumed the hook must have given it away. Or my daughter’s inclination to take up pirate personas.”

“Well, I didn’t want to be insensitive about your hook. But this is unbelievable.  _ You’re _ Captain Hook.” Emma shook her head, still in awe.

“I’m not certain if you mean that as a compliment or an insult, lass.” His eyebrow quivered at her lack of response.

Emma was still trying to come to grips with Killian’s revelation, however. “I’m not quite sure myself. I guess I’m surprised because I’ve only ever seen you as a doting father.”

Killian glanced toward where Alice slumbered, a soft smile adorning his features as he did, making him look younger by years. “When Alice was born, I knew everything had changed. I had to be there for her, I had to be better. I don’t think I will ever be a father worthy of my little lass, but I know that I will never stop trying.”

“And sometimes, that is all one can do,” Emma whispered, a far off look in her eyes as she once again remembered her father. “My father- He-” She paused, trying to compose herself before she continued. “He was my favourite person. I feel awful even saying this, because I loved my mother,” she half-sobbed, pressing her hand to her lips. “I loved her so much, but my  _ Papa _ , he just understood me. He understood that I didn’t need to be protected from the horrors of our reality. He taught me everything I needed to know, of course. But he also made me laugh.” She sniffled, feeling the weight of Killian’s gaze on her. “Regina didn’t throw us in a dungeon. She kept us trapped alone in our castle, while she terrorised our lands. We were stuck in there, unable to help anyone, unable to do anything…  _ helpless and friendless _ . My mother was ever the optimist, which can be extremely tiring after a while. But my father - well, I thought there could never be a man more perfect than him. I miss them both every day. They did the best they could, until the very end.”

Emma wiped at the tears on her cheeks, laughing hollowly. “I’m sorry, you did not ask to hear about this.”

“No, please. You have nothing to apologise for, Emma.” Killian slowly reached for her hand, giving her every opportunity to pull away. But when she didn’t, he gripped it tight in his, staring at their entwined fingers. “Thank you, for trusting me with that. I am so sorry for what happened. Your parents were certainly brave people.”

Emma sniffled, biting into her lip. “Thank you. And thank you for trusting me with your daughter. I would never do anything to harm her.”

“I know,” he said with conviction. And in that moment, that was more than enough for Emma.

-/-

_ Present Day: Land without Magic _

Five weeks after her discharge, Emma was finally cleared for travel. She was far less terrified of flying in the airplane this time around, although she remained buckled in for the entirety of the journey, and still flinched at the landing. But she was incredibly glad that she had been allowed to fly. She had rested long enough, and the five weeks that passed allowed the magic in her ring to replenish as well. It was time to find Killian, and this time, make sure Gothel could not get to him.

It was time to go back home.

-/-

Killian had started his book tour a week ago, and frankly, he was already tired of it. He was glad that he decided to make this the last of  _ The Davy Jones Chronicles _ . Will had been upset to hear that, and spent the better part of a week trying to convince him to sign up for two more books. But Killian felt like it was the right time; all the adventures had been had, and it was time for Captain Hook to retire. Killian had amassed an immense amount of wealth, enough to allow him a comfortable life for the next two years on royalties alone. It was time for him to work on himself, on finding whatever he it was he had been looking for.

He knew now that his dreams were more than just a figment of his imagination. He had to do... _ something _ . Find Emma, perhaps. Maybe she could help him understand what they meant. He had tried calling her the day after they had met, after he woke up from the nightmare, but she hadn’t answered his calls. He stopped trying after a couple of weeks; if she did not want to be bothered, he would stop. He just had to find someone else, if not her - anyone who could help him make sense of these dreams.  _ Or where they really memories? _ he found himself wondering.

He was pulled from his thoughts when the next person in the line for his book signing walked up, a big grin on their face. Killian forced a smile, made polite conversation, and ignored the cramping in his hand. He made sure he did not sound dismissive, because no matter what was going on in his life, these people had come all this way just to meet him, had stood for hours for that. He had them to thank for his success. It took a couple of hours more before he was done.

“Thank you for coming!” he said, signing his last book for the day.

“It was really great seeing you, Mr. Jones!” the man in front of him exclaimed, waving at him. Killian kept smiling until he rounded the corner before he let it fall, sighing tiredly as he loosened the tie around his neck. He looked up when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Great job, man,” Will praised, handing him a bottle of water. “Do you see how much they love your book? How can this be the end?” he tried once more, taking a seat next to Killian.

Killian chuckled at the relentlessness of his agent, shaking his head as he took a sip. “I told you. I am done telling Captain Hook’s tales. No more to be told, mate. Get over it.”

“I was so certain you would sign on for at least two more books, man,” Will groused, grabbing a bottle of water for himself. “Do you have a pitch for another book at least?”

Killian shook his head, standing up and throwing his now empty bottle in the bin. He leaned against the table, his arms crossed and his back to the rest of the room. “I cannot promise you anything, Will. I am not lying. I’m just dealing with some things, and I need time.”

Will stood up, concerned. “Killian, I may be your agent, but I was your friend first. We have been through some shit together. I’m here if you need me, man. Whatever it is.”

Killian hesitated, not certain if he should tell Will everything. He was the closest thing to a best friend, a brother, that Killian had. Will has seen him at his worst. He had made him go to meetings with him. That’s how they first met - Killian passed out on the street after a night of heavy drinking. He owed him his life, and he had no way to repay him. If all he wanted was for Killian to be honest with him, he ought to do that.

Killian regarded Will carefully, on the fence about telling him everything he had been going through. “You’re going to think I’m crazy.”

“Man, I’ve seen your groupies.  _ That _ is crazy. I’m sure you’ll be fine. Just tell me.”

Killian let out a long breath, preparing himself. Just as he started to speak, he heard the door open and the bell above it ring. He reflexively turned to see who it was, and had to do a double take. His stared, eyes wide and jaw slacked. Will turned to see what caught his friend’s attention, his interest piqued by Killian’s reaction.

“Is the book signing over?” asked the woman who came in, her voice timid, almost sheepish.

“Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry-” Will began but Killian stopped him with a hand on his shoulder, pushing him aside.

“Emma,” he breathed out, frozen in his tracks.

“Hello, Killian,” the woman greeted, tucking her hair behind her ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Nathan Riggs was my favorite. Why did he have to leave the show?!
> 
> The story of the Swan Princess is just that. Killian just has an inkling about what happened to Emma's parents, and he had no idea how it might resonate with Emma. But he sees some aspects of the Swan Princess in her, like she stepped right out of a story.


	4. These memories will stay with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh-oh, Emma has some secrets to spill. And Killian has some stuff to come to terms with. Meanwhile, in the past, there's more angst. It's just freaking angst in today's chapter people. I hope you still love me and the fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the late update. I truly can't say enough thanks for the nice comments.
> 
> I'm slowly making my way through the collection of fic at the @captainswanbigbang tumblr page and lemme tell you - there is so much freaking talent out there, man. Kudos to the mods for making this event happen this year, and for bringing us all together.
> 
> As always, I'll be remiss if I don't thank @sambethe for being an amazing artist to work, a wonder second beta, and a true friend in times of need. You need to check out the artwork she's done, and the banner on her tumblr. I can't wait to share the others as well. 
> 
> @downeystarkjr made my mom want to read my fic, which is saying something. My mom took one look at the video and she goes "wow, your story sounds interesting. Are you nice to Emma and Killian in this one?" and I'm reply, like the overdramatic fuck I am "Mom do you know me but at all?" Anyway, the point is, you should check out the incredible video she's made for the fic and just GO LOVE IT OKAY?
> 
> Writing this fic with minimal feedback was hard, really. If it weren't for @accio-ambition's snarky comments about how rude I'm being to our babies and her rare but true praises, my head would have blown up. Thanks for keeping me rooted, Janet.

“Emma? What are you doing here?” Killian asked, approaching her. He had seen her in his dreams so often the past three months, and often wondered if he would ever see her again in real life. But for her to actually be here, in front of him, after three months of silence - more than anything, it only served to confuse him further. Everything about her being seemed to put him on edge. As if he had forgotten something very important; it was the feeling when you’re uncertain if you turned the gas off before you left home. Either you come home and everything is fine, or you come back to impending disaster.

“You know her?” Will asked from behind, but Killian simply ignored him, his eyes only for the woman in front of him. She hadn’t said a word since her greeting, as if she was afraid of him. Just the thought of it made him uncomfortable. He never wanted her to feel like he was a threat to her.

“Is there some place we could talk?” she said finally. Glancing at Will, she added. “Privately.”

He nodded, pointing out a coffee shop just opposite the bookstore they were at. “I’ll meet you there in 5 minutes.”

Emma nodded, smiling stiffly at him and waving half-mindedly at Will before leaving. Killian turned to his friend, anticipating the third-degree. 

“So, I’m assuming she’s part of the  _ thing _ you’re dealing with?” Will asked, arms crossed and eyes guarded.

“Ah- well, I guess you could say that?” 

“You don’t sound so sure there,  _ mate _ .”

“I met her once, Will. But I feel like I’ve known her for longer than that.” Killian began, but stopped when he saw Will roll his eyes.

“Killian, that is such a cliche.”

“No, Will. It’s not like that,” Killian protested. “Do you remember when I told you about my dreams?”

Will looked puzzled, but nodded anyway, clearly unsure of where Killian was going with this. “She was in them. I think she always was.”

“You’re overthinking this. Those are just dreams, nothing more.” Will placed both his hands on Killian’s shoulders, making Killian meet his gaze. “You need to stay rooted in reality, Killian.”

“I am. Dammit, this is more than just dreams.” Killian pushed him away. “You’ve known me since you were 25. For  _ years,  _ mate. You’re my  _ sponsor _ , my friend. I don’t care if you don’t believe me, but I think after all these years, I at least deserve some trust.”

Will deflated, looking put-off. “Alright, fine. Go, chase after some girl you think you know. Don’t come running back to me if she thinks you’re crazy.”

“I’m not crazy!” Killian called after himself, rushing out the door.

-/-

_ 21 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

“Am I crazy or do you see it too?” Emma asked out of the blue, staring at the shimmering surface of the spell that kept Alice trapped.

“Do I see what, love? Use your words,” Killian said patronisingly, not looking up from the book he was reading. Emma shot him a glare but before she could point it out, the shimmer disappeared and it was blue skies again.

“Nothing, forget about it,” she murmured, going back to helping Alice with her arithmetic. She didn’t understand why Killian insisted on this nonsense when he could be teaching Alice about things more fascinating. Arithmetic was the dullest subject she had ever studied as a child, and she never thought she would have to be faced with it again once she had come of age. Regina had been very particular about Emma’s education, pushing her to excel in all subjects. Emma would spend hours on her sums, worrying her head off about underperforming and facing Regina’s wrath.

“Did you see something?” Killian pushed, putting his book down and staring at her sharply. He looked ready to battle.

Emma rolled her eyes at his dramatics. “It was just the barrier spell. I keep seeing it from time to time.”

“What’s a barrier spell?” Alice asked, looking up from her addition. Emma did not understand why Killian insisted that a five-year-old needed to learn addition, but Alice seemed to actually  _ enjoy _ it. Emma would not be the one to tell her how useless it was. She had been lectured by Killian enough when she spoke about it with him.

Killian shook his head, glaring briefly at Emma. “It’s nothing you need to worry about, Starfish,” he replied. “Now, are you done with your sums?”

“Almost,” Alice replied, begrudgingly focusing her attention back on her work.

Emma gaped at Killian, not certain why he wouldn’t just tell Alice the truth. She might be five, but she was an intuitive child. Alice already knew she was trapped in here; Emma did not see the point in not telling her what a barrier spell was.

“Jones, could I see you in the kitchen, please?” Emma asked through gritted teeth.

Killian frowned at her, unable to understand her frustration. “Aye. Starfish, keep working on the sums for Papa, alright?” he added, nodding when he got a murmured acknowledgement from her.

He followed after Emma to the kitchen, his eyebrows raised at her defensive stance - nostrils flaring and arms crossed, a deep-set frown fixed on her face. “What’s the matter, Swan?” he asked. He had taken to calling her that now -  _ Swan _ , as if they were familiars.

Maybe they were - she was living at his residence, spending all day with him and his daughter, she had even gone on a supply run for them so Killian didn’t have to leave Alice alone like he usually did. But being this familiar - it felt like a big step for Emma, like she was putting down roots, and caring about these people. She was only here to help free Alice from this tower. She was a means to an end to them, that’s all. Maybe it was wrong to want to be a part of this family, to insert herself in it. Maybe she shouldn’t say anything to Killian about Alice after all, lest she cross her limits.

“Emma? Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?” Killian prompted when he received no answer to his earlier question.

She blew out a long breath, resting her hands on her hips instead. “You know I care about Alice.”

“Of course I do. Why-”

“Just- Listen. I know I have only been here for a few weeks, maybe a month, but I’ve grown close to her. To you both, I think. I- I don’t want to overstep.”

“Overstep? Do we have a problem here?” he asked defensively, his jaw clenched and face guarded.

“I just don’t think it’s right to not tell Alice what the barrier spell is. She already knows she is trapped in here. She is already exposed to that. It’s not fair to her-”

Killian cut her off, his tone icy and curt. “You’re right. It’s not fair for her to be stuck here. It’s not fair that she has been exposed to something this cruel so young. But I do my best to keep her mind off of it, as much as I can in a day. You’ve only been here for a month. I’ve been here with her for five years. I know my daughter; I’ve held her all the nights that she has cried out for a mother, for her freedom, to have another child to play with. I’ve seen her heart break more times than I can count. She’s a child -  _ my child. _ If I choose to not tell her something, I get to do that. I’m the only parent she has.”

Emma was flabbergasted, stuttering through her apologies. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t-”

“You didn’t - what? Realise that I might have an idea about what I’m doing? That I know how to raise my daughter?” he snapped. She could see how much he struggled to rein in his anger. She should have listened to her gut and kept from poking her nose where it did not belong. She did not belong here, and she had to remember her place.

She held her hands up, feeling remorse choke her. “You’re right. I didn’t realise that. I’m truly sorry, Killian. I know I have no rights here to comment.”

“You’re right. You don’t. She’s my daughter, not yours.” And with that he walked away, leaving Emma with a mountain of guilt.

-/-

_ Present Day: Land without Magic _

Killian stood outside the coffee shop he had asked Emma to wait at, staring at her through the glass, just observing her for a moment. She was too busy stirring milk into her drink to notice him, so he took the chance to prepare himself. He had a feeling that the moment he entered and they talked, his life was going to change, like a gut-instinct. One side was telling him to run away and the other telling him to face whatever it was. He squared his shoulders, pushing through the glass doors.

He walked toward the table where Emma was sitting, his heart fluttering slightly when she looked up and smiled brightly at him. It felt like the sun was shining after a rainstorm; he mentally shook himself from the love-sick direction his thoughts were headed in. “I’m sorry if I made you wait too long,” he said in greeting, taking the seat opposite her.

She waved away his apology, lifting her beverage at him and pointing to the additional one in front of him. “It gave me time to get myself something to drink. I wasn’t certain what to get you, but I didn’t think I could go wrong with some coffee. I hope that’s alright?”

“Yeah, no. That’s- Coffee’s good. Thank you.” He sipped at his own drink, not knowing where to start. How could he outright ask her where she had been the past three months? He barely knew the woman! Thankfully, Emma saved him from the awkwardness by starting the conversation.

“You must be wondering why I didn’t contact you for the past three months. And why I showed up out of the blue at your book signing,” she started, folding her arms on the table. 

Killian tried to gauge her expression, but it was impassive. “Yeah, I guess you could say that. I wasn’t certain if you were just ignoring me.”

Emma shook her head, quick to reassure him. “No, no. Nothing of the sort. I was- I was occupied with work and couldn’t get away until now.”

Killian wasn’t sure she was telling him the truth, but chose to ignore that. No matter what her reasons were, she was here now. He would finally get the answers he was looking for. “Emma, I need to ask you something. This might sound crazy but-”

“It’s about your dreams, isn’t it?” she asked, cutting him off. 

Killian’s eyes widened and he unintentionally leaned away from her. “How do you know that?” he demanded, eyes sharp and unwavering from her.

“You told me you’ve been having dreams that you were Captain Hook,” she replied calmly, as if that explained everything.

“What does that have to do with-”

“You didn’t let me finish. Killian, that wasn’t a dream. That was a memory. You  _ are _ Captain Hook.”

Killian would have laughed if her answer did not feel like a vat of cold water being poured down his back. He blinked at her, trying to process what she just told him. “I’m sorry - did you just say that  _ I’m  _ Captain Hook?”

“Yes. You are. You just forgot who you are.”

“How is that even possible? I remember my past here. I had a brother, I was in the Navy. I had a life here, and that did not include me being Captain Hook!” He slammed his hand on the table in frustration, making everyone in the coffee shop stop what they were doing and stare at him. When he glared back at them, they went back to minding their own business.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” Emma said, reaching for both his hands, like she had done the last time they had spoken, startling him once again at how she reached for his prosthetic without flinching. “I know you’re overwhelmed, and that what I said sounds ridiculous.” She paused, as if waiting to see if he was listening. “But some part of you must know  what I’m saying is real. Your dreams are just a way for your memories to manifest. You said you remember having a brother? You did. And you  _ were  _ part of the navy. Just- just not in this realm. Your life here, your  _ past _ ...it’s not real, Killian.”

“But it is. My past may not have been, if what you say is true. But my life here is still real,” he replied vehemently, removing his hands from her hold. He thought he had been ready for some explanation to his dreams, but now that he had heard this one, he couldn’t help but think it absurd. There was no possible way that he could have forgotten an entire lifetime’s worth of memories.

“If what you’re saying is true, then how am I here? And why do I not have my memories?” he asked, his gut clenching anxiously.

“I promise, I will explain everything in detail. But not here.” Emma held out her hand palm up, her eyes imploring him to give her a chance, to trust her.

Killian could see her emotions clearly on her face; she let herself be vulnerable. If he chose to, he could walk out of here and he would never have to see her again. He could do that. But instead, he relented, grasping her hand with his:  “Alright. Let’s go back to my place, and we can talk.”

Emma smiled gratefully at him through pursed lips, and Killian could see her struggle to keep her tears at bay. He felt a lump in his throat, seeing her response to his show of trust in her. “Thank you, Killian.”

-/-

_ 21 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

Emma felt uncomfortable after her argument with Killian, knowing that she had taken things a bit too far. She had crossed a line, about Alice no less, and now she was on uncertain ground with Killian. Again. She needed to get out for a while, allow him to calm down and clear the air of this tension. She feigned the need for some supplies for a spell and scaled down the tower. But it was not before Alice had made her promise that she would return again. Killian barely acknowledged her, simply nodding when she told him she would be back before sundown.

“Is there anything you need me to get?” she asked softly, unable to meet Killian’s eyes.

“It’s not necessary,” he replied curtly, turning his back to her. Emma could understand a dismissal if she ever saw one and left wordlessly.

She took her time to walk to the nearest town north of the tower, knowing to avoid the town she had been chased out of. It allowed her time to think, but she would be fooling herself if she expected to be able to think of anything but her fight with Killian. She hadn’t realised what a big folly she had committed by questioning his parenting skills. Of course he had been angry; she had no place passing judgement, she was not a mother - in all reality, Alice was the first child she had ever spent any extended time with.

Emma absentmindedly played with the ring she was wearing. Her mother had given it to her, it had been the same ring that had brought Snow and Charming together in the first place. It was a symbol of their true love, just like Emma herself was. Snow had told Emma that true love follows that ring, but Emma stopped believing in that a long time ago. There was no knight in shining armour or Prince Charming to save her - the only one who saved Emma was herself. She had been alone for very long time, and she was good at that. She had been fine by herself; but when she found herself living with Killian and Alice, she realised that simply because she was  _ fine _ being by herself did not have to mean that she had to be alone. She felt like she was a part of something, that the broken pieces of all three of them came together to make something resembling a whole.

But she had been fooling herself. She did not have a place in that family.

She wanted one, though. This was the first time she was admitting it to herself, but Emma wanted so much to be a part of  _ something _ . She felt her chest tighten with disappointment, and she was grateful that neither Killian nor Alice were around to see her this way. She brushed aside the few tears that had fallen, and strengthened her resolve - she was going to do everything she could to help Alice. That little girl deserved far more than being stuck in that godforsaken tower all her life. It might take her a while, but she was going to build the perfect spell - one that would not only break the barrier that was around the tower and kept Alice inside, but one that could never harm Alice ever again. With her mind made up, Emma walked determinedly toward the market.

-/-

_ Present Day: Land without Magic _

Killian unlocked the door to his house, allowing Emma through first before he followed her in. He took his coat off, making sure to hang it on the coat rack. Then followed with his suit jacket, which he proceeded to fold meticulously and place on the back of a chair. He watched as Emma took in everything, her gaze critical. She ran her finger over a painting he had done, tracing the brush strokes.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, almost to herself. But it became clear that she had been talking to him when she turned and asked, “Did you paint this?”

“Yes, I did. It’s-it’s just a hobby,” he replied, tugging on his ear and looking at his shoes in embarrassment. When he looked up, Emma looked pensively. “What is it?”

She shook her head, biting down on her lip. He could tell that she was hesitant to tell him, but if he was going to get the entire story out of her, she ought to feel like she could tell him anything. “Emma, you can tell me anything,” he assured her, approaching her.

She relaxed slightly, looking around his house again before meeting his eyes. “The life you have here, with these memories - it’s different, but there’s echoes of your- your  _ other _ self everywhere. It just disoriented me a bit, I’m sorry.”

Killian’s expression softened, seeing how conflicted Emma seemed. “Do you want to sit down? We could talk, and you can tell me everything about this  _ other self _ ,” he said, leading her to the couch.

Once they both were seated comfortably, Emma began her tale. “I know you want some proof that what I’m saying is true. I have something you gave to me a long time ago. It holds some of my magic, so I can use it in this realm, the Land without Magic.” She pulled the ring she had been carrying with her, holding it out for him to take.

Something about it felt so familiar to Killian, his chest feeling tight as he reached for it. “I- I gave you a ring?” he asked, indirectly asking the question he really wanted to ask.  _ Did I propose to you? _

Emma breathed deeply, meeting his gaze unwaveringly. Her meaning was clear when she replied with a simple, “Yes.”

“Oh,” he breathed, his hand clenching around the ring, his gaze fixed on her face, wishing he knew what she was thinking. But her face was impassive, giving nothing away. It occurred to him how difficult this must be for her - his other self probably loved her, and he doesn’t even remember it.

“Do you believe me? Do you- do you feel anything at all? Or remember anything?” she asked, sounding hopeful.

“I think,” Killian paused, evaluating his feelings. While his mind argued vehemently against this, his heart was a completely different story. He had felt something from the moment he met her, and it had to have meant something. Life wasn’t a romance novel, there was no such thing as love at first sight. But maybe... _ maybe _ there was a dormant part of him that woke up when he saw her that day at the bookstore. As crazy as it sounded, it made sense to him. Her explanation helped make sense of his conflicted feelings, of his dreams, of his demons. 

“I want to believe you,” he said with conviction. “But I need to know more. Or I need to get my memories back.”

Emma looked like she was trying hard not to kiss him, but he could see how happy she looked. Her eyes crinkled at the corners when she grinned, her laugh lines more apparent. He could see the tears welling in her eyes, as well and wanted to do nothing more than take her in his arms. According to her, he was her fiance, so it wouldn’t be like he would be doing something wrong. But he wasn’t certain how Emma felt, and so refrained from doing anything that would make her uncomfortable. “You’ll believe me? Just like that?” she asked, unable to stop herself from smiling widely, tearily.

He reached for her hand with his prosthetic, flipping it over and pressing the ring in her palm, holding his hand over hers. “I don't know if I _believe_ you but I felt something the very first moment I saw you, Emma. Like I recognised you, like I knew you.” He hesitated, finally voicing the thought that had been running through his mind since he met her. “I have been searching for something, some meaning to my life, as if I was missing something and I could not remember what it was. But I saw you, and it felt like I found it, because I found  _ you _ .”

He slowly reached up, giving her all the time to pull away. But she didn’t - she held his gaze steadily as his fingers traced her cheek. She gasped softly, her lips slightly parted and her eyes falling shut all on their own. “Why didn’t you just tell me then?” he whispered, his eyes moving over her face, trying to read her.

Emma opened her eyes, backing away slightly and pulling his hand to rest in the space between them. She swallowed thickly before she spoke, “I wanted to, but I was afraid that you would think I was crazy. I should have told you then, but I- I was being selfish.” She whispered the last part like a confession, shifting her gaze away from his.

“Selfish?”

“Killian, you were - you  _ are  _ \- in danger. That’s why you left in the first place. So, when I saw you again, as much as I wanted to tell you everything, I wanted to protect you too. Just for a little while.”

“Protect me from what, Emma?” he asked, feeling troubled. 

“Not what. Who. A witch named Gothel. She has been after you for a while, and the only way to stop her was for you to leave for somewhere she could never find you - The Land without Magic. It’s not easy to find passage to this realm, and she did not have the magic to create one. Until recently.”

“A what?” He scoffed. When he noticed how serious she was, he changed the subject. “Why is she after me? You said I was just a pirate, right? What could I possibly have that she would need?”

She squeezed his hand, looking pained, as if she wanted to do anything but tell him the reason some crazy witch was after him. “You have extremely powerful, extremely  _ ancient _ magic. And a Dagger that she can use to control you.”

-/-

_ 21 years ago: Enchanted Forest  _

Emma meandered through the market, stopping at stalls and exploring them at her leisure. She was not ready to go back to the tower, and she knew that it would take time still for Killian to calm down. It had been almost an hour of her wandering around when a handmade rabbit doll caught her eye. It was discarded to the back of the stall, hidden behind all the other dolls. Emma reached for it, fingering the spot where one of its paws was torn off, leaving a gaping hole at the end with bits of cotton coming out. Of all the dolls there, this one was quite old and worn.

“You wanna buy  _ that _ ?” the shopkeeper, an elderly lady, asked, squinting at Emma.

Her mind made up, Emma nodded. “I know a little girl who would love it. How much for it?”

The woman regarded Emma before waving her hand dismissively. “You can take it, no charge. I hope your little girl likes it,” she said kindly.

“Oh, she’s not-” Emma stopped mid-correction and left the old lady with a couple of coppers and a “Thank you”.

Emma pulled out the list she had made a few days ago, hoping she could find at least a few of the ingredients she was looking for. She had decided to use hydrangeas as a binding agent, along with dragon’s blood to strengthen it. But those were hard to come by so far north, and even harder to manipulate. She would have to know what spell the witch who trapped Alice had used, which was neigh on impossible. For now, she would just have to keep experimenting. She could not use her magic directly on the barrier spell; it took longer than she would have preferred for her magic to return to her and for the burn marks on her hands to disappear. She would have to be more cautious. 

She had a few theories for how the spell worked, especially against magic. But theories meant nothing if she did not have the resources to test them. On her walk to the apothecary, she spotted a stall that sold books. She browsed through them, hoping to find one that was on spells using magical herbs and spices, or even witchcraft that did not necessarily involve direct use of magic. Emma had to be careful about the spells that she used, however - her magic was one-of-a-kind. It was light magic, and so far that seemed to be the sufficient for keeping the effects of the witch’s tamper-proof charms at bay. It took a bit of perusing, but Emma finally found a book that might be useful. Well, it was more of a journal than a book, but as she looked over some of the spells that had been written down, she felt more confident. 

Unfortunately for her, most of the spells seemed to involve dark magic, something she could not use. But perhaps it might prove important in breaking down the elements the witch used for her spell. From what little she had been able to garner from Killian, the witch seemed to have a penchant for nature magic. Emma was not familiar with that aspect of magic, but there was no time like the present to learn something new. Content with her purchase for the day, and with the amount of time that had passed since she had left, she turned to head back to the tower. She caught herself before she could refer to it as home - home is somewhere one belonged, and Emma wasn’t certain that the tower represented that for her. Not yet, at least.

-/-

_ Present Day: Land without Magic _

Killian paced back and forth, worrying a hole in his rug as he did so. Emma was perturbed by his reaction to what she had revealed. She would be lying if she said she hadn’t anticipated this ; what hurt her even more was how acutely she could feel his agitation and turmoil. She had yet to reveal that piece of information to him, but thankfully whatever connection that he had forged between them seemed to work only one-way. Otherwise he would have told her - she was not exactly a pillar of stability right now. If Killian had the ability to feel her emotions the same way she did with his, it would have been obvious by now, Emma was certain of it. 

“Killian, perhaps you should take a seat. Try to calm down,” she suggested, attempting to sound soothing.

He whirled around to face her, his eyes clearly panicked and hair in disarray from the number of times he had tugged at it. “ _ Calm down _ ?” he bit out through clenched teeth, his voice an octave higher than usual. “You just told me I have the world’s most ancient darkness within me, Emma. Do you know how crazy you sound?”

Killian’s harsh words seemed to snap something in Emma, her expression twisting in anger as she stood up as well, her hands clenched at her side. “You don’t get to call me that. You said you believed me. You  _ said _ you wanted to know.”

“But magic? Darkness? Some witch out for blood? Does that sound  _ sane _ to you?” he exploded, throwing his hands up in the air.

“You want proof, Killian?” she challenged, her jaw clenched. “I’ll show you proof.” She gripped her ring, drawing the necessary power from it; when she felt like she had enough, she thrust her hand through her own chest.

Killian gasped, his heart in his throat as he watched with wide-eyed horror as she tugged her heart out of her chest. She was not certain what he expected, but she assumed he did not expect a glowing red organ, held almost carelessly. He seemed extremely disturbed to see Emma holding her own heart in her hand.

“Is this proof enough?” she panted, her body swaying slightly.

He blinked at her, unable to form words. There was no doubt in his mind now that magic existed; but for Emma to have gone to such an extent… it pained him. Seeing her in pain made him feel like he was being ripped apart. He cupped his mouth with his hand, his chest constricting painfully. “Yes, yes! I believe you. Put it back, put it back right now,” he demanded, but she could hear the tremble in his voice.

Not that she wanted to. It wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience, having one’s heart outside of the safety of one’s chest. Emma grunted as she thrust her heart back in place. However, it had perhaps not been a good idea to have done that so soon after her surgery. Emma felt the energy drain out of her and she swayed dangerously, feeling dizzy and imbalanced.

Killian was quick to catch her before she could fall, lowering her on the couch. “Why would you do that?” he whispered brokenly, his hands shaking as he gripped her shoulder. “You’re raving mad, woman.”

“I didn’t have a choice. I had to get you to believe me. I cannot bear it if Gothel did anything more to you,” she replied, her voice just as soft.

“Emma…” he began, but trailed off. He seemed conflicted, and why wouldn’t he be? Emma completely disrupted his life here, and probably traumatised him.

Emma could feel the toll her stunt had taken on her. Her chest felt tight, like there was an immense amount of pressure on it. She found it difficult to breath. She grasped her ring, hoping to draw power from it to heal her. But after the abuse she just put herself through, there was barely anything left. She couldn’t use it like she usually did - there was just one other option. Emma gripped Killian’s shirt collar tight, her voice tight as she gasped out, “Killian, you need to take me to a hospital. Right now.”

-/-

_ 21 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

It was well past dusk when Emma finally made her way back to the tower, whistling for Killian to drop the rope ladder for her. She had climbed it the first time with nothing but sheer determination and her father’s broadsword, driven by her intentions to escape being burnt at the stake. But given the option, she would rather use something that was sturdier than steel on rock. Killian was quick to respond to her wordless request, and she swiftly scaled the tower, hoisting herself over the window ledge and landing on her feet without much trouble.

“Emma! You’re back!” Alice exclaimed, running to her. Emma smiled, getting to her knees so she was at an appropriate height to accept the welcome embrace from Alice. Emma squeezed the little girl slightly, holding her for a moment longer than necessary before pulling her back by her shoulders.

“I promised you, didn’t I?” Emma rooted through her satchel, pulling the doll she had bought for Alice. “I got you something. I know he is a little torn and shabby, but we can fix him up, can’t we?” Emma asked, holding it out for Alice to take.

Alice reached for it with an awed smile, but stopped short of taking it, remembering to ask her father first. She looked at him over her shoulder, and so did Emma. She hoped he would see this for the peace offering it was. His face remained impassive for a moment, and Emma almost started apologising, but she noticed the small smile break through as he wordlessly nodded at Alice.

Alice turned to Emma, grinning widely as she took the doll from Emma, cradling it reverently. “Thank you, Emma!” Emma was startled by the force of Alice’s small body crashing into hers, her smaller hands wrapping tightly around Emma’s neck.

Emma smiled, running her fingers through Alice’s hair. “You’re very welcome, Alice Jones,” she whispered, smiling even as Alice went to introduce her new doll to the rest of her collection. Killian held out his hand for her, pretending not to look at her. Emma rolled her eyes, deliberately reaching for his hook instead and pulling herself up.

Killian turned to look when he felt a tug on his hook, just as Emma straightened up from her squat. They were suddenly stood very close together, her breasts almost touching his chest with every breath she took. They were both thrown off by their proximity, but Emma was the first to move back, clearing her throat.

“I- uh, I should probably get something to eat,” she said, walking backward toward the small kitchen, looking everywhere but at Killian.

Killian was still dazed, but quickly shook himself. “Right, yes. Would you like me to fix you-”

“No, no. That’s alright,” Emma protested, cutting him off.

Killian nodded, standing in the middle of the room for a moment longer before he left to see what Alice was up to. And Emma wondered, if perhaps, it had something to do with her, too.

-/-

Killian tried to concentrate on what Alice was talking about while he was playing tea party with her and her animals, but it was hard for his mind not to wander to the other blonde in his life. He observed her from the corner of his eye time after time, but all of her focus was on the book in front of her. He had tried to dismiss how her presence in his and Alice’s lives made him feel, but after their argument earlier, it was hard not to. While he knew what he told her had been true, and he would stand by it, it didn’t mean he was coming around to the idea that perhaps Alice needed more than just him. He wanted his daughter to develop proper social skills, and he tried his best to bring them about; but having Emma in their lives for just a month had been more beneficial to both of them than all their years of solidarity.

There was nothing wrong with being a single parent; but that shouldn’t mean that, given the chance, he should deprive Alice from having a strong female presence in her life. Isn’t that what parents are supposed to do - provide their children with every opportunity for an well-rounded life?

He sighed quietly, running his fingers through his hair. He ought to apologise to her for being harsh that morning; he was quick to become defensive when it concerned Alice. He had the chance to handle it better, but he let his anger take over. He waited until much later, when Alice had been put to bed and tucked in nice and tight. He found her sitting on the window ledge - it seemed to be her favourite spot - holding her hip flask. He had effectively reduced his drinking since Alice, apart from an occasional nip at the end of an especially trying day. But he wouldn’t begrudge Emma her drinking. He trusted her enough not to leave her alcohol just lying somewhere Alice could reach.

Killian cleared his throat, alerting Emma of his presence. When she didn’t immediately react, he thought she hadn’t heard him, but then she offered him her flask in lieu of an invitation. He grabbed it, and slipped next to her on the ledge, their shoulders brushing lightly. He took a small sip, wincing at the burn, and handed the flask back to Emma.

“Killian, I-”

“I’m so-”

They both began at the same time. Killian chuckled, gesturing for Emma to go first.

“I’m sorry for earlier this morning, Killian. I know nothing about being a parent; I sometimes find it hard to remember my own parents,” she huffed humorlessly. “I overstepped. I just - I made myself too comfortable here, with you and Alice. I shouldn’t have. This isn’t my family, and I shouldn’t pretend that it is.”

Killian desperately wanted to reach out to her, to protest. But he wanted to let her say her piece first. And so, he remained quiet, his hand clenched into a fist to stop himself from grabbing her hand.

“I forgot what I am here for. I’m here to help Alice, nothing more. I - um, I will stop interfering, I promise. I just,” she paused, sniffling slightly, looking up at the sky and trying to force her tears away. “Gods, I just felt like I was a part of something.”

Killian couldn’t hold himself back anymore, not when she was so clearly hurting and thinking that she did not belong with him and Alice. He swallowed at the lump in his throat and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her to him. “You stop that, Swan. You belong here, with us,” he whispered against her ear fiercely.

“Killian, you don’t have to say that,” she protested, wiping at her nose and trying to pull away from him. “I know I shouldn’t have said what I did this morning.”

“You’re right, you shouldn’t have. But that still does not change the fact that you’re now a part of this,” he whispered against her hair. “You’re doing so much for Alice. You care so much for her. You do not treat her like she’s different. You’re  _ so good _ , Emma. My daughter needs someone like you around.”

Emma pulled away from his embrace, staring up at him with curious eyes. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying - I’m  _ asking _ you to stay. Not just for now. But, after. After we get Alice out of here. Join us. We could mean something to you, Alice and I.” He saw her eyes widen in what he hoped was surprise, in a good way. “What do you say,  _ Swan _ ?”

Emma started to say something, but hesitated, her eyes searching his for any sign of uncertainty; he hoped all she could see was how sincere his offer had been. “Killian, I don’t know…”

“Why not, Emma? What’s stopping you?” he asked, silently imploring her to accept his offer.

Emma pressed her lips into a thin line, facing away from him again. “You said it yourself. I’m not her mother. I’m not your - I don’t know where I would fit.”

Killian did not miss her unspoken sentiment about them, but chose to ignore it.  _ Alice _ needed Emma: it didn’t matter what he wanted with her. It shouldn’t. Now was not the time to talk about that, but there was other, more important information, that she needed to know. “I know you aren’t her mother. But Alice’s mother - she - ah, she-”

“You don’t have to tell me about her. I know she’s not here anymore. I assume it must have been horrible, for Alice to lose her mother,” Emma whispered, closing her hand over his.

Killian’s brows furrowed, extremely confused about Emma’s statement.  _ Did she think Alice’s mother died? _ he wondered. What she said next only confirmed his suspicion.

Emma pressed her hand over the tattoo over Milah on his wrist, now covered by his shirt sleeve. “Milah, right? She was Alice’s mother?”

Killian did not know if he should laugh or cry.  _ Oh, if only she knew _ . “No, not Milah. Emma, Alice’s mother is the one who trapped her in this tower. Gothel is Alice’s mother.”

Emma gaped at him, her hand slipping off his wrist. “She did this to her own blood?” Emma whispered brokenly. “She did this to Alice?”

Killian swallowed thickly, preparing himself to tell Emma everything.

-/-

_ Present Day: Land without Magic _

“Well, Miss Swan, it looks like you’ve overexerted your heart. According to the chart that Dr. Riggs had sent over, you’ve very recently had heart surgery. Would you like to tell me what happened?” Dr. Altman asked as she listened to Emma’s heart for any other abnormalities.

“Like you said, I just overexerted myself, pushed myself doing too much, too fast,” Emma replied, smiling tightly at her doctor. “When can I leave?”

Dr. Altman looked taken aback, turning to shoot Killian a glance. Emma felt bad for him: he had no clue what was happening, and Emma could feel his worry for her and his guilt deep in her chest. When Killian did not offer any help, Dr. Altman shook her head. “Emma, you’ve had a very serious cardiac event. I would like to run some tests-”

“No,” Emma protested stubbornly. “Give me medication, or some home remedies. I am not spending any more time here than I already have.”

“Emma, that is not advisable,” Dr. Altman replied. “You need to be given the proper interventions.”

“That is not necessary. I would like to be discharged, please,” Emma said, ignoring the swell of confusion and anger she felt from Killian. 

Dr. Altman stared at her incredulously, as if that would deter Emma. “I don’t think you understand how dire your situation is.”

Emma let out a long, deep breath, getting tired of the same health spiel from the doctors in this realm. “Dr. Altman, I felt a tightness in my chest for a few minutes, nothing more. But it passed and I feel  _ fine _ now. I hope you can respect my wishes and discharge me.”

Dr. Altman looked like she wanted to argue further, but wisely decided against it. “Alright, but only if you agree to be discharged under the care of this young man here,” she told Emma, pointing to Killian.

He stood up straighter when he realised that the doctor was talking about him. He approached Emma’s bed, reaching for her hand. She could feel him relax slightly when she squeezed his hand in reassurance. 

“I wouldn’t be doing my job if I don’t tell you that you are leaving here against my medical advice. It is not safe for you to leave, at least until I get your test results back, Emma.”

Emma groaned, knowing at this point that she had no choice but to listen to Dr. Altman. It would be better to know that everything was fine, then to fall in the middle of a battle. Emma would require all her strength to defeat Gothel. “Fine. Alright. I’ll stay until the results come back. You have  _ one day _ , Dr. Altman.”

-/-

Emma reclined in her hospital bed, trying to get as comfortable as she could get in a scratchy hospital gown. Killian had gone to talk to her doctor and promised to return in a while. That was a good thing, because it gave her time to think.

She knew what the next step was: she had to get him to Merlin so that they could get rid of the Darkness once and for all. She had just one magic bean. If Alice were here, she would have made the same choice. All those years that the two women had struggled through, to try and find Merlin, and to free him - it would all be for naught if Gothel got her hands on the Dark One’s dagger. Emma had to make a tough decision, if only for Killian’s sake.

Killian walked through the door just then, with two cups of something wiggling and colourful and two spoons. He placed one of each on her tray and sat down next to her hip. “Hey, I spoke with Dr. Altman. She said she has put a rush on your test results. Now, you just have to sit tight. Have some jello,” he said, pointing his spoon at the goo in front of her. Emma made a face, her nose scrunching up in distaste. 

“What in the seven hells is that?” she demanded, poking at it with her own spoon. “Jello?” she asked, imitating what he had said. But the word just felt strange in her mouth.

Killian chuckled at her confusion, but his expression quickly turned somber. “I can’t believe you’re in the hospital because of me, Emma. I’m so sorry I didn’t believe you.”

“Hey. Look at me,” she demanded, her hand cupping his chin. “You didn’t do this to me. I did. I was being reckless, and I paid the price. This is not your fault, alright?”

Killian sighed deeply, shaking his head at her. Whether in agreement or disagreement, she couldn’t tell. “So, my dreams...they were all real?”

Emma licked her lips, anticipating his next question and contemplating how she could possibly answer that. “Um, yes. At least the ones that you’ve told me about.”

“Ah.” He seemed to be debating with himself, before he finally asked her the inevitable. “In my other life, my  _ real life _ , I guess,” he huffed out. “Do I - Do I have a daughter? Is her name Alice?”

Emma’s heart was in her throat and she felt sick to her stomach.  _ How could I possibly do what I need to? _ she thought to herself. But she had to.

“Uh, no. No, you didn’t have a daughter. You don’t have any children.”

 


	5. That's how the story goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a whole lotta sick people in this one. Have fun, you guys!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so grateful for the whole team at @captainswanbigbang for keeping this event going. Man, are they organised!!
> 
> S/O to @sambethe for the amazing banner and her artwork for one of the chapters. Next week you're going to see one of my most favorite pieces that she has created, and I'm so excited to share it with you all. @downeystarkjr has made something too, for the next chapter, so it's gonna be a double whammy. I don't think I have enough words to express how much I love them, and how lovely they are to work with.
> 
> Mags, aka @accio-ambition, has to put up with a lot from me. Thanks for checking up on me, baeeb.
> 
> I'm so grateful for all those who comment and give kudos. You guys make my day, every single one of you. Thank you!!

Killian sat at Emma’s bedside, flipping aimlessly through a magazine. She had drifted off a couple of hours ago. She had tried to fight it for the longest time as she spent the time teaching Killian card games that pirates in her - their? - land apparently played. He felt uneasy, hearing her talk about his other life, and yet he had no memories of it. When he’d asked Emma about getting them back, she had been quite vague, mumbling about how complex memory potions could be. He had let her be, not willing to push her when she was in the hospital. Besides, his lack of memories seemed to be a sore subject for her, and he did not wish to make her feel worse. He had a feeling that if she had a solution, Emma would have told him by now. He felt like he could trust her, and he was going to listen to his gut.

The only thing that threw him off was her admission that he - or his other self - did not have a daughter. He had been so certain that Alice was been real. Maybe the woman from his dreams wasn’t Emma either, maybe he just thought it was her. But it did not make any sense. It  _ had  _ been a very long day, and he needed to rest as well.

Emma seemed quite determined to leave the hospital and go back to this  _ Enchanted Forest _ place as soon as she was well. Which meant that he had to make arrangements for postponing his book tour with Will. Luckily, he had only a couple of cities left on the roster and he was certain Will would accommodate. He would very likely bitch about it and demand an explanation, but he would make it happen.

He saw Emma shift in his periphery, drawing his attention back to her. He saw the soft smile that adorned her face, her brow smooth of worry lines. Her hand was curled near her cheek, her eyelashes leaving long shadows. She looked incredibly beautiful like this; he couldn’t believe that there was a version of him who actually got to be with her. Emma never told him outright, but no matter how much he was still the same person, just with different memories, she did not see him in that way. He could tell it from the way she looked at him - as if she was waiting for him to turn into the man she remembered and was left disappointed. These thoughts did not seem to help his mood, his heart feeling a sharp sting of rejection, no matter how irrational it was.

For he only had the memories of  _ his _ version of Killian Jones - not a pirate or a whatever he was to Emma Swan. This Killian had never had anyone love him, never had someone risking their life for him. Was it insane to be jealous of himself? He shook his head to clear the thoughts, pulling out his phone from his pocket and walking out of Emma’s room.

It took a couple of rings, but Will eventually picked up, his voice groggy. “Jones, do you have any idea how late it is?” the man grumbled. Killian could hear him shuffling and a whisper  before Will spoke again. “You better have a good reason for calling so late. My girlfriend is  _ not _ happy.”

Killian winced. He knew that Allison, Will’s girlfriend, worked late shifts at the hospital. Maybe he should have waited until morning. Nevertheless, he had Will on the phone now. Might as well get to it. “My apologies, mate. I wouldn’t have called it wasn’t urgent.”

“What’s wrong?” Will sounded more alert now. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Killian started dismissively, but rethought his tactic. “Alright, maybe not everything. You remember Emma, from earlier today?”

Will took such a long time to answer him, Killian worried that the call was disconnected. “Yeah, what about her?” Will asked, his tone slow. He could practically hear Will’s skepticism and he hadn’t even told him anything.

“Alright. So, she - she had some information about my past. About stuff I didn’t know.” Killian took in a deep breath. He had the perfect story figured out, and he just had to execute it. It wasn’t as easy as he had thought it would be to lie to his best friend, however. “She had some information about my parents,” he rushed out, continuing before Will had a chance to interrupt him. “Look, mate. I need to take off - I can’t finish the book tour. I have just two more cities left, and I promise I will reschedule them. But right now, I need to go.”

Killian could hear Will’s sharp release of breath. “Why?”

“What do you mean, ‘why’?” Killian was confused. He had expected Will to be angry or shout at him. But he sounded almost calm.

“Yeah, uh-huh. She found your parents? Bullshit. Why are you lying to me, Killian?” Will demanded, his voice raising. “You told me you didn’t know your parents, that the only family you had was a brother who died. What, do you so desperately want to get out of promoting your own book?”

“It’s not like that,” Killian sighed, sliding down a wall once he realised the corridor was empty. “But you’re right. I’m lying, and for that I’m sorry.”

“What’s the real reason then?”

“You wouldn’t believe me, Will.” Killian rubbed his hand tiredly against his forehead. “I just need you to trust me. I’ve always cooperated with your ideas for the book, for the PR. I let you take the reins every time because I trust you. These books, these stories - they  _ are important _ to me, Will.”

“Why do you sound like you’re planning on throwing it all away?” Will whispered. “What is  _ going on _ , Killian?”

“Will, please-”

“What did she tell you that was so bad?”

“It’s not bad, Will. She really did tell me about my past. I just need some time to process it, and I need to go with her.”

“Alright, alright. Fine - let’s say I believe you. Where the hell are you going?” When Killian remained silent, Will scoffed loudly. “Unbelievable. I’m coming over right now. Something is not right.”

“I’m not at home. I’m at St. Joseph’s,” Killian replied, almost reluctantly. He did not want Will coming here, but that seemed like the only way Killian would be able to convince his friend.

Killian heard some rustling and the sound of Will’s keys. “I’ll be there in 10. You stay put, Jones.”

-/-

_ Enchanted Forest: 21 years ago _

Alice coughed loudly, her little, cherub face scrunched up at the phlegm she spat into the bucket Killian had placed at her bedside. “Oh, Starfish,” Killian murmured, rubbing her back to comfort her. Alice whimpered, her forehead beaded with fever sweat and her body weak as she fell back on bed.

“Here, I fetched some more cold water,” Emma said, rushing into the room with a pail and several washcloths hung on the side. “Has her fever subsided at all?” she whispered, sitting on the side opposite Killian’s taking Alice’s hand in hers. The child was still extremely hot to touch, making Emma’s concern heighten.

“No,” Killian replied, his voice hoarse. He was struggling not to cry, knowing that would help no one. He was just so helpless, not knowing what he could possibly do to relieve his child’s distress.

Alice had been fine a few days ago, apart from complaining of being tired. And then she started coughing, the frequency increasing rapidly. Two days ago, she had come down with a fever overnight. Killian had woken in the middle of the night and just happened to check up on Alice, only to find her trembling in her sleep, mumbling unintelligibly. He had panicked when he realised that she was burning up. Both he and Emma have been trying everything from a cold compress to herbal remedies to help Alice get better, but nothing seemed to work.

Emma’s magic had help at first, and they had both thought that that would be it - but since then, Alice had only become worse. The little girl could barely remain conscious, and her coughing fits were getting much too violent for her small body to handle.

“I don’t know what else to do!” Killian cried, brushing Alice’s damp curls away from her face. “What can I do?” he asked. He wasn’t certain to whom, but at this point, anyone who was willing to answer him.

“Killian, I think you need to fetch a healer,” Emma suggested. Alice rolled into Emma’s side, her small hand clutching at Emma’s tunic with all her might. Emma pulled Alice closer, hoping to provide Alice with some warmth.

“I can’t leave her,” he snapped, drenching a cloth in the water Emma had brought and squeezing out the excess water before placing on his daughter’s forehead. “That is not up for discussion,” he growled out, refusing to lift his gaze from Alice. He did not want Emma to see his tears, to think him weak. He needed to be strong.

He softly kept brushing Alice’s hair, but his actions were stopped by Emma’s touch on his arm. “Killian, we are out of options here. I would go, in a heartbeat. But in case she gets worse, she will need my magic,” Emma reasoned. 

No matter how much he had grown to trust Emma, this was something he could not do. He couldn’t leave Alice now. She needed him.

“Alice needs me,” he  argued, but even he could see that there had to be a greater reason for him to make Emma go.

“Killian, right now, she needs you to help her in a way only you can. You know the area better, you know where to find the healer. I know you don’t want to leave Alice, but trust me to keep her safe. I’ll do everything I can to make sure her condition doesn’t worsen.” Emma looked at him imploringly, her eyes refusing to leave his. He could see Emma meant every word: she really would do anything for Alice. He needed to do the right thing, no matter how much he did not want to leave Alice’s side.

“Alright, I’ll be back by nightfall. Promise me you would do everything in your power - and I mean  _ everything _ \- to keep my girl safe.” 

Emma squeezed his arm in reassurance. “I will. Now go, and hurry back.”

Killian nodded, brushing a quick kiss to Alice’s forehead, and leaving her reluctantly. He was certain that Emma would take good care of Alice. He had left his child in her company enough times in the past months to know her, to trust her. But he was a father, and he had never felt so helpless before.

With one last look at Alice’s now prone form, he started scaling down the tower.

-/-

_ Present day: Land without Magic _

Killian paced up and down the hospital corridor, keeping a close eye on Emma. She seemed to still be sleeping; however, he did not want to leave her alone for too long. She was in this position because of him. He could hardly believe that she had done something like that - taken out her own heart - just to get him to believe her. He wasn’t certain he could go down the same route with Will.

He was brought out of his thoughts by Will calling out his name, walking toward him with purpose. Killian prepared himself for the conversation he was about to have. He had still not made up his mind about how honest he was going to be with Will, about Emma and the things she had told him.

“Hey, mate.”

Will nodded in greeting, his eyes shifting to Emma’s room before turning to Killian. “How is she doing?” he asked grimly.

“She seems fine now, but the doctors want to run some tests.”

“What even happened?” Will asked, taking a seat on the chairs that lined the corridor.

Killian took the one next to Will, shaking his head. “I’ve no clue, mate. She seemed fine one minute, and then she was finding it hard to breathe and asked me to bring her here. Apparently she’d had heart surgery not too long ago.” Will nodded, but Killian could tell he wanted say something more. “Mate, just come out and say whatever it is that you want to say.”

“I just want an explanation, Killian. You cannot expect me to just be alright with you picking up your life and following this strange woman to...wherever,” Will sputtered, clearly frustrated.

“Will, it’s not like that. She’s - it’s complicated with Emma.”

“Killian, you just met the woman!” Will cried out. Killian could see his friend’s exasperation, and was at a loss for how he could explain all of this to Will.

“I know, I did just meet her. But there’s more to this than you think. I just don’t know if you will believe me. You’re going to think I’m crazy.”

“I already do, mate. You might as well just lay it on me,” Will half-joked. But he seemed willing to listen, and Killian had to take the chance.

“Alright. In a way, you’re right. I don’t know Emma. But I  _ know _ her - or a part of me does anyway. Do you remember how you found me twenty years ago? Drunk and alone and passed out, with no memory of how I got there?”

“Yeah - what does that have to do with Emma?” 

“Well, according to Emma, it was twenty years ago that I came here from another realm, called the Enchanted Forest. She claimed that I was a pirate captain in another life, and that when I came to this land - she calls it the land without magic - I did not have all my memories. And the ones that I did have, they were modified to fit this world.” Killian paused, waiting with bated breath for Will to react.

Will looked understandably concerned, his eyebrows pulled together into a deep frown. “Killian, that is absurd. You  _ write _ about pirate captains, that doesn’t make you one.”

“Will, what if the adventures I have written about were simply my own forgotten memories?” Killian pressed. “I know this is hard for you to believe. It was for me too. But I am not lying to you.”

“So, what? You suddenly have your memories back and you’re leaving to this Enchanted Forest?” Will exploded, jumping up from his seat. He started to pace back and forth in front of Killian. “Look, you can tell me if you’ve fallen off the wagon, alright? I can get you the help you need. But this? Lying? Coming up with these - these stories?! That is insane, Killian!”

Killian rose as well, angered by Will’s accusations. “Watch yourself, Sanders. You do not need to believe me, but you have no right to throw around such allegations,” he growled.

“You’re not drinking again?” Will asked, his tone much softer, almost confused.

“No. I would never, you know that. You know me better than that.” Killian still felt on edge, his hand fisted at his side. He let out a deep breath, forcing his muscles to relax. “Will, you’ve known me for years now. You must have wondered too, why I look the same, even after all these years. I should be well into my 50s, and I don’t look a day over 35, mate. What Emma said, it makes sense. My world had felt off-kilter for  _ years _ , and from the moment I met her, it feels like it’s almost back in the right place. It’s more than a feeling, Will. It’s instinct, like a part of me that has been hidden for all this time is being brought forth.”

Will sighed, almost resigned. He remained silent for so long, Killian was certain that Will thought him insane. “I always thought you just dyed your hair,” he mumbled finally.

Killian looked at him in confusion, but it dawned on him a moment later. He chuckled, “Turns out, I’m an all powerful immortal being.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

“Nothing. I just need a moment to wrap my head around all this.”

“But you believe me?” Killian asked hopefully.

“It’s a lot that you’re expecting me to believe….but, I - I think I do,” Will confessed. “Like I said, I might need a moment. But if this is what  _ you _ believe, and if pushing the tour back and going on adventures is what you need - I can make that happen.”

Killian felt a swell of gratitude for his friend, and couldn’t help but hug him tight. “Thank you, mate.”

-/-

_ 21 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

It took Killian precious time to reach the stables. At first, he had  stabled his horse at the base of the tower, but it made far too much trouble, just to feed and water it. He had finally decided to get Maximus housed at a proper stable, with stable boys around to tend to him. Back then, a short trek to the stables had not been an issue for him, but in his hurry to get to the healer and back to Alice, every second of delay was excruciating. He would have foregone the horse if he didn’t have to bring the healer back with him.

Killian let out a sigh of relief when he finally reached the stables, quickly preparing Maximus for the ride. Unfortunately, Maximus seemed quite agitated having been woken in a flurry. “Here, boy-o. Here,” he soothed his steed, feeding him an apple. “We need to hurry for little Alice. You remember her? I’ve told you so many tales, huh?” he whispered. When Maximus had calmed down sufficiently, Killian hopped over the horse’s back and guided him from the stables.

Killian kicked his heel lightly against Maximus’ flank, sending him into a swift gallop. They practically flew through the forest, both man and beast well equipped in navigating in the dark. There was not a single moment where Killian stopped worrying about Alice; how could he when his little girl was suffering? These kind of illnesses, ones that creeped up on people…those acted quickly, and they acted smart. He should have gotten a healer to Alice at the first instance of her falling ill. He had falsely assumed it to be a minor issue, not unlike the other times she had been sick.

How could he have been such a fool? His own mother, his daughter’s namesake, had perished from a similar illness. He’d be damned if something were to happen to his Alice; he had lived more than his fair share of lifetimes, but it was for Alice that he had given everything up. Hell, Alice  _ was _ his everything. He refuses to lose her.

He pushed Maximus to go faster, his own heart racing in fear for his child.  _ I’ll pay any price, just let her live _ , he prayed, riding forth, even as tears pricked his eyes.

-/-

Emma felt Alice’s forehead again, her shoulders sagging in disappointment when she found that the girl was still burning up. Alice was asleep now, but it was not a peaceful sleep. Emma watched helplessly as Alice whimpered and called out to her ‘ _ Papa _ ’, a few tears leaking out the corners of her closed eyes. Emma had not let go of Alice’s hand for even a single moment since Killian left. It was mostly for comfort, but she had been constantly sending pulses of her magic through Alice, in hopes that it would help keep her stable, if not improve her condition. Emma had seen something like this once, when Regina’s father had become sick. Ser Henry did not survive the week, and Emma could not let that happen to this little girl.

Regina’s father had been a much older man, and Alice was a healthy girl. She had read a book on physiology that spoke of how children had better chances of surviving illness due to something called an immune system. In moments of crisis, where her magic did not seem to work, Emma had turned quite often to the other sciences, understanding their logic and usefulness. She only hoped that the combination of her light magic, and whatever medicines they had given Alice so far worked, at least until the healer arrived.

Unfortunately, Emma was not certain she would be able to hold on much longer. She could already sense how weak she had become over the past hour, her magic draining steadily from her with no break. But until she absolutely could not, Emma would not stop. Helpless to do anything else, Emma gazed softly at Alice, her heart swelling with affection and concern for the little girl.

Emma had tried very hard not to grow attached to Alice and Killian, but from the time Killian had told her that she was a part of this family, she found it impossible not to. Especially when she had heard the truth about Alice’s mother.  _ What kind of a person would abandon their own child like that? _ she thought, in disgust. Emma made a silent promise to never allow that woman near Alice.

-/-

_ Present Day: Land without magic _

“What’s the verdict doc? How is she doing?” Killian asked, unable to sit still from the moment Dr. Altman walked in to the room. Emma couldn’t resist rolling her eyes; they had poked, prodded, and hooked her up to machines all morning. In all her years, she had never hated getting treated for an illness before. And while Killian’s concern was charming, it was grating on her nerves quite a bit.

She knew that they will not find anything medically wrong with her. Her heart was giving out because she had used too much of her magic in the Land  _ without  _ Magic. She pushed her body to heal faster with an unstable element. The only way for her to fully heal was to get back to the Enchanted Forest. She had been hasty to reunite with Killian, and she was paying the consequences.

“Everything seems fine,” Dr. Atlman declared, her tone laced with confusion, as if she could not believe what she was saying herself.

“I told you.” Emma could not help shooting her doctor a smug grin.  _ Pfft _ , she thought.  _ These healers wouldn’t know magical ailments if it hit them in the face _ .

“Are you certain?” Killian asked, ignoring Emma. “She’s alright? Nothing medically wrong?”

“Not that I can see, Mr. Jones. In fact, I ran the tests twice. No anomalies.”

Killian’s shoulders sagged in relief, turning to Emma with a giant grin. Emma was touched: this may not be  _ her _ Killian Jones, but underneath his false memories, he was still the man that she fell in love with. It was unfair of her to keep his memories from him.But she had to. That was the only way she could make him focus on their mission. Her and Alice had worked too hard, and sacrificed too much to let anything hold them back from saving Killian.

The moment they returned to the Enchanted Forest, his magic would be activated. So would his darker impulses. If he found out that Emma had lied to him about Alice, and kept her disappearance from him….She could not fathom what he would do.

Emma shook herself from the dark direction of her thoughts, instead focusing on what Killian was saying. 

“-will get your discharge paperwork, Emma. Don’t worry.” He smiled, oblivious to her lack of attention. When he moved to leave, Emma stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Killian, we need to leave this realm and go back home, as soon as possible.”

“I know, Swan,” he assured. A shiver ran up her spine when he said that. It had been years -   _ decades _ really - since he’d had called her that. Emma bit her lip, watching as he walked out of the room. It took everything in her not to kiss him, to wake him up and bring her Killian back, consequences be damned.

But she just had to be patient. Once the Darkness was taken care of, she would make sure he knew everything. And they would save Alice from Gothel’s clutches. Emma could not let that evil bitch get her hands on the Dark One’s dagger, not when she intended to erase all of human race with it.

They never should have believed her in the first place.

-/-

_ 21 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

It took a lot of convincing from Killian, in addition to a hefty bag of silver doubloons, before the healer agreed to come with him back to the tower. Madam Adeline insisted on riding on her own horse, reassuring Killian that despite her age, she would be able to keep pace with him and Maximus on her own steed.

They sped to the tower, Killian’s nerves frazzled from both worry and lack of sleep. He barely noticed the rising sun on the horizon, pushing Maximus to go faster. When he had the time, after Alice was all better, he was going to ensure his steed got a proper treat, perhaps even a groomer.

“We’re here,” he exclaimed, dismounting and landing on his feet. He helped Madam Adeline off her own horse, hoisting her bag of medicinal supplies over his shoulder, ready to being his climb up the tower.

“How am I to get up there, boy?” Madam Adeline demanded, her hands on her hips and head tilted up to look at the tower.

That stopped him short. He had no way of getting the old woman up, nor a way to bring Alice down. If only he had a magical staircase….

“Magic,” he murmured, an idea forming in his head. “Emma!” he called out, his voice bellowing in the silent woods.

“Killian?” Emma popped her head out of the large window, her hair a curtain around her face. “You’re back!”

“Aye! Could you use your magic and transport Madam Adeline and me up the tower?” Killian was certain she would not refuse, and he was right. Emma replied in affirmative almost immediately. A white cloud enveloped them moments later, like a warm embrace; both he and Madam Adeline were standing at Alice’s bedside before they could blink.

Madam Adeline did not appear fazed at the display of magic, and instead took a seat next to Alice, checking her pulse and murmuring softly to herself. Killian watched as Emma moved to the corner.

“How is she doing?” Killian asked, dropping Madam Adeline’s bag and kneeling at Alice’s side, taking her hand in his own.

“She seems to be a bit better now, stable at least,” Emma whispered, watching from the corner as Madam Adeline assessed Alice’s condition. “Is Alice going to be alright, ma’am?” she directed to the healer.

“I’ll do my best, dear,” the older woman promised. “She seems to have had a little extra help, no?” she asked, shooting Emma a conspicuous look.

Killian’s brows pulled together, bemused at Madam Adeline’s comment. He turned to Emma inquisitively, but she simply shook her head. He would ask her about it later, once Alice was deemed fine by Madam Adeline.

Every moment of the hour it took Madam Adeline to diagnose Alice was agonising. Killian watched with rapt attention, never leaving Alice’s side, as the healer mixed herbs and potions, with Emma assisting her when Madam requested it. She applied a poultice to his girl’s forehead; Killian could not find a word to describe the relief he felt when he noticed Alice’s expression changing from agitation to something resembling serene.

“Prop the child up, lad,” she instructed, and Killian was quick to follow. He gently lifted Alice, propping her against his chest. His heartstrings pulled when she remained limp in his arms, so tiny and fragile, her skin still pale and clammy to touch. Madam Adeline delicately worked Alice’s mouth open, pouring a measure of a potion into her mouth.

Killian waited with bated breath for something to change, and while it was not instantaneous, Alice’s sweating ceased soon after. Both he and Emma let out a sigh of relief at the chance of allowing Alice to have a proper night’s sleep.

“Your child has a rare case of a fever that usually is from a lack of exposure to the sun,” Madam Adeline explained softly. “It’s often hard to diagnose, but quite easy to treat. Unfortunately, most people pass it off as a fever. It can have drastic consequences. You did right by coming to fetch me, lad.” She handed a large vial of the potion she had fed Alice, and a container of the paste the poultice was made out of to Killian, giving him the instructions for their use. “But the best medicine would be to get the girl more sun. She is as pale as the moon, that one!”

Killian’s jaw clenched, both in helplessness and in anger.  _ Yet another reason I need to break the bloody spell, _ he thought. Almost as if she sensed his darkening mood, Emma reached for his hand, lacing her fingers through his and squeezing gently, as if to remind him that he was no longer alone in his pursuit to free Alice. He turned to her with a smile, but his expression soon soured as he got a good look at Emma.

She looked white as a sheet, her eyes sunken and gaze weak, as if she could not focus her sight properly. Her grip, light as it was, slackened and her brows furrowed. She blinked a time or two, worrying Killian. “Swan?” he asked, waving his hook in front of her when she did not respond.

“Dear, is everything alright with you?” Madam Adeline asked, all the while reaching for Emma’s wrist to check her pulse.

“Yes. I - I feel fine.” Emma waved their concern away; however, her words and actions seemed to contradict each other, when she swayed in her spot. Killian was quick to steady her with an arm around her waist.

“Like bloody hell you are,” he growled, his worry escalating.

“Her pulse is very weak,” Madam Adeline added. “She must have over-exerted herself.”

Killian was about to ask what the woman was harking about when Emma leaned heavily on him. “Swan?” He turned his neck to look at her, alarmed at her closed eyes and slack expression.

“Hmm?”

“Love, look at me. Hey, Swan?” Her eyes fluttered open, as if waking from sleep. “What’s wrong?” he asked, not able to hide the panic from his voice.

Whatever Emma had to say, she did not get to; her eyes fell shut and her knees seemed to buckle right underneath her. If Killian had not caught her, she would have crumpled to the ground.

“Emma!” he exclaimed, carrying her to her bed and laying her down. “Swan?” He patted her cheek, trying in vain to wake her. “What is wrong with her?” he demanded, his tone sharp and cutting.

Madam did not seem rattled by his harshness, quietly examining Emma. “She’s just worn out, lad.” Her voice was warm, almost soothing. “She seemed to be quite the magical one, doesn’t she?” 

“What does that have to do with anything?” he snapped.

“She must have channeled all her magic through your child. Alice would not have survived the night without it.” Madam Adeline pressed her palm to Emma’s forehead, murmuring, “Poor child. She must have exhausted herself. It could be very bad for the lass.”

Killian’s eyes widened at the healer’s implication. He felt the guilt build up in his chest. He knew Emma cared for Alice, but for her to go so far… It was unfathomable. She loved Alice, like she was Emma’s own blood. She had been ready to deplete her own magic to save his child; how could he ever repay her kindness? 

“Is she going to be fine?” he asked in a whisper, eyes never straying from Emma’s prone form.

“Aye. She will be fine, eventually. Just ensure she never does something like that again,” Madam Adeline warned. “Light magic is unlike others. It’s a part of her, just like her flesh, blood, and bones. Overusing it would hurt her, physically. It could weaken her heart or her mind. It could leave her powerless for a while. Any number of problems. Her magic, it’s not limitless, and pushing the limits might be fatal.”

Killian’s breath hitched when he heard that, his heart feeling tight in his chest. In such a short time, Emma had ingrained herself in his and Alice’s life - she was truly a part of his family. Something like that happening to her was inconceivable. He hesitated, before he pressed a feather light kiss to Emma’s forehead. He could have sworn he saw her fingers move then, but she made no other movement, and he convinced himself that he imagined it.

-/-

_ Present day: Land without magic _

“You ready to leave?” Killian asked, popping his head through the door.

Emma looked away from the conversation she had been having with Will, smiling at Killian. “Yes, quite. I’ve come to dislike hospitals,” she complained. Both men chuckled, before they left the room, allowing her to get ready.

Emma had been surprised when she found out that Killian had told his friend the truth, but she understood where he came from. She should have expected it, of course. She knew that he had to have had an actual life these past twenty years. She had been dreading finding out that he had found a love in this realm, tortured herself with the thought. But it was at moments like this where she would feel his loneliness the most, echoing her own heartache. As much as it wreaked havoc on her heart, it was a welcome pain - it was reminder that her love was waiting for her, and for Alice. It was a reminder of what she had to fight for. She had spent all her sleepless nights replaying her memories with him. Unfortunately, while linking her life to his froze her body from aging, it did not freeze her memories.

She could remember those nights when she felt his strongest emotions, but not remember what his voice sounded like. It was awful; she lived her life in halves - half a heart, half her memories. Alice was her solace; in her efforts to keep Killian alive for the girl, she forced herself to remember him. To never allow  _ his _ child wonder about how much Killian loved her. It was only on her worst days that she hated her memories, and hated him for not having his.

But once he got his memories back, he would remember two lives. Two truths, two paths. Two different and yet very similar people. For  _ that, _ she did not envy him. For now, she was simply glad that he was not truly alone. That he had Will by his side, even if it was not constantly. He had someone to worry about him, who could do something about it. 

Emma sniffled loudly, wiping at the few tears that managed to slip down her face. She needed to stop with these bouts of self-pity, misery, and longing. That did not a healthy combination make. There was a bigger picture for her to bear in mind: destroy the darkest force in all the realms, stop an evil bitch from ruining said destruction, and rescue a sweet little girl from the clutches of the aforementioned bitch.

Emma sighed, checking her reflection. There was not much she could do to make it appear as though she had not spent the night in the hospital. She did look a tad pale, however. That was quite worrisome. She had assumed they had more time until she became ill; but fortunately, Killian seemed willing to leave with her. They simply had to hurry. She just needed to add that to the ever-growing list of concerns.

“Emma? You about done in there, love?” Killian called out, breaking Emma away from her spiraling thoughts.

Emma huffed, pinching her cheeks to bring some colour to them before opening the door. She groaned when she spied the wheelchair Killian had brought with him. “I have two perfectly capable legs that can walk me out, Killian. There is no need for this contraption.”

“Yes, that may be so. But I would feel better, so come on, Swan. Hop on.” There it was again. He called her ‘Swan’. 

When she had chosen a last name for herself in this realm, she had not wanted to be presumptuous and go with Jones. She opted for something that had been close to her heart, though. Her Killian loved calling her that - a name for her that was all his, he used to say.

She had never been able to resist him when he used it then, and she wasn’t now. “Alright,” she indulged, rolling her eyes. “Where’s Will?” she asked, when she noticed the absence of the other man.

“He had to get back home. Unlike me, he actually has a job that requires him to go everyday to the office.”

Emma nodded, half listening as he spoke of Will’s girlfriend. She had to tell him about her magic, if she wanted to get him to leave for their journey back immediately. Luckily, once they got back to the Enchanted Forest, reaching Merlin’s abode would take only a day or two’s journey by foot. She just had to retrieve the Dark One’s dagger from where she had hidden it.

“Emma? Where did you go off to?” Killian asked. She really must learn not to get too lost in her thoughts around him.

“Nowhere. I’m right here.” Perhaps it was the words she had said, or even the way she had said it, but Killian’s expression softened into something that was heartwarming, a swell of attraction brewing at her gut for this man. This version of Killian Jones, a little lost, a little broken, but ultimately a good-hearted man who believed her and willing to follow her into inconceivable danger.

“Yeah. Yeah, you are.” He looked like he wanted to say more, but he just bit his lip and helped her into the vehicle that had been waiting for her. “Let’s go home.”

“Home,” she intoned. She turned her face to the window, pretending to look at the building, hoping it served enough to hide her tears.

-/-

Gothel had been in the Land without Magic for the past three years, waiting patiently for Emma Swan to arrive. That wretched blonde might think she knew everything, but even she would not be able to predict Mother Gothel’s next move. She had all the opportunity to approach Killian in the years she had been in the Land without Magic. She had even led Emma to believe that she was after him when she had attacked her in the alley. She simply needed Emma to lead her straight to the dagger; then she could finally reunite with her Coven. They would harness the power of the Darkness, control it, and lay waste to all those who wronged them. The Dark One would be the least of their worries then.

Gothel smiled, tracing the flowers etched into the glass coffin her dear daughter was slumbering in. Soon, she would be the master of the darkest force in all the realms; not even the most powerful light magic could stop her then.

“I will wake you up soon, my dear,” she whispered, her breath fogging up the glass. “You will help me attain my destiny, Alice. You will see soon enough for yourself how weak  _ humans _ are.”


	6. Summer lasted for so long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter - you'll love it, until you don't. That's all I'm saying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thank you SO much for all the kudos and the lovely comments. I love you, and I'm sorry.
> 
> YOU GUYS. THIS FUCKING CHAPTER I SWEAR TO GOD. This chapter is the reason I signed up for captainswanbigbang. This is the reason I wrote this fic. It has my most favorite scenes, it has my most favorite writing. I wrote this with so much glee.
> 
> sambethe's artwork for this chapter melts my heart. It's such a tender moment, and it's just so - It's SO important, and you will see why. She's captured it so well, I legit teared up a bit. It's perfect, and so is the banner and the artwork she did for chapter 2! So make sure you check her out on tumblr!
> 
> Wait till you see what downeystarkjr has in store for you guys in her video chapter, and basically for the whole fic. It's the best, it's so cool. and it teases what's about to come up in the second half of the fic. Be sure you go and watch it! Whew, I can't believe we're halfway there.
> 
> And this fic wouldn't be halfway decent with accio-ambition and her yelling and her amazing editing and being overall the best beta ever. JSYK, she yelled at me a lot for this chapter, and so did sambethe .

_ _

_ 21 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

Emma drifted into consciousness in stages. First, it was voices that she heard, bits and pieces of conversation. They came and went, but it was always just two, always the same two. A man and a girl, her baby voice standing out to Emma in the moments she was lucid enough to hear clearly. But beyond that, not much registered in her mind.

Second was very brief moments of actually opening her eyes and catching a glimpse of her environment. Concerned blue eyes swam in her vision each time. Sometimes it was accompanied by the man’s voice. But most of the time, it was the girl’s. She had blonde hair, Emma noted, before she would drift back into a dreamless state.

The third and final stage was, of course, full consciousness and awareness. That did not happen all at once, or for long, at first. But she remembered who the people were - Killian and Alice. 

When she had finally come out of her state of unconsciousness and back to the land of the living, it had been quite dark. Her entire body felt stiff and her throat was bone dry. She spied Killian sleeping at the foot of her cot, but could not call out. She barely mustered up enough energy to reach for the jar of water, but even that, she was too weak to hold up and dropped it. At least it served in rousing Killian.

He sat up quickly, looking endearing even when he was sleep rumpled and his hair was all over the place. “Emma?”

She was taken aback when he rushed to embrace her, his arms tight around her as he squeezed her shoulders. “I’m so glad you’re awake, love. You gave Alice and I quite the scare.”

Emma wanted to reassure him, maybe return his embrace. But she could already feel how much the little activity had exhausted her. She pointed to the water, looking bashfully at the mess. But Killian waved off her wordless apology, fetching her a fresh glass of water and even helping her hold the glass when her hands shook.

When her throat finally felt like it wouldn’t just crumble to dust, she finally spoke. “Thank you,” she croaked out. “How long have I been asleep?”

Killian’s brows pulled together, looking almost bemused by her question. “Love, you’ve been in and out of sleep. You were ill for a while before that. It’s been a little over a week, Emma.”

Emma’s eyes widened; this had never happened to her all the other times she had used her magic. Well, that explained the weakness she felt. “Help me sit up?” 

Killian nodded, gently pulling her into a seated position and bringing her blanket up with her. “How do you feel, Swan?”

Emma sipped her water, composing herself and trying to think of all the questions she wanted to ask. “Uh, a little weak. What happened?”

Killian sucked in a deep breath, looking down at his feet. “You overused your magic, to save  Alice’s life. You drained yourself, Emma. Madam Adeline said you might have weakened your heart.”

Emma swallowed thickly, unable to comprehend what Killian just told her. That could not be possible. All she did was use her magic. And she told him that.

“Madam Adeline told me that your magic - because it’s light magic - is not limitless. You can never do that again, Emma,” he told her fiercely. “It could be fatal.”

“What?” she scoffed, almost laughing. “You must be joking, Killian. I’ve never heard of this.”

He stared at her incredulously. “Oh, let me assure you. I am not jesting. You need to be more careful with your magic, Emma. I don’t wish to see you like that ever again. Is that understood?”

Emma was flabbergasted by the distress she could hear in Killian’s voice. Perhaps she ought to reconsider how serious the situation was before she dismissed it. She reached for the arm closest to her, which turned out to be his left one. “I’m alright now, Killian. I promise. How is Alice?”

“Oh, she’s fit as a fiddle, thanks to you and Madam Adeline,” he grinned. “She’s asleep now, but she has not left your side in days.”

Emma’s eyes welled with unbidden tears, and she let out a watery chuckle, embarrassed to be crying in front of Killian. “I’m sorry. I’m just - I’m not used to-” She struggled to formulate the gratitude and affection she felt. “So, I - I nearly - what? Died?” she asked bluntly,  indelicate about her own life. That could not honestly be the right way to think about her life, could it? For she could feel the fear lodged between her ribs like a real pain. She could feel it threatening to burst forth and consume her. But she could not allow that.

Killian, on the other hand, seemed quite alright expressing his true emotions; he looked downright devastated at how flippant she sounded. “Aye,” he replied, his words cutting. “You did nearly die. It’s not something to jest about, and yet, that is what you have been doing, Emma. You cannot be so callous about your life.”

“Well, forgive me, but no one had cared whether I lived or died for years!” Emma burst out, her anger propelling everything she had pushed down. “I don’t have my parents. I don’t have my family. I left everything behind, Killian. So what if I died? It would have saved Alice. Who cares?” She was quick to deflate, her outburst taking away most of the energy she had left.

Emma resented the words the moment she said them. She did not want Killian to see her like this: vulnerable, open, and broken. He was looking at her in the way everyone did at her parents’ execution - helpless and pitiful. 

“Do you honestly think that no one would care if something were to happen to you? Because I bloody would. Alice would. We would be devastated, you daft woman.” Killian had started off very quietly, but his tone rose as he spoke until he was nearly shouting at her. “I care very much whether you live or die, Emma!” he exclaimed.

“Why would you? I’m nobody!” she snapped back, unable to help her impulses.

“Bloody hell,  _ Swan _ . When I said you belong here, I meant it. You’re o _ ur family. _ And we are yours. There’s nothing you could say or do that would change that.”

Emma was stunned speechless by Killian’s outburst. She had been overwhelmed when he had told her that she belonged with them, when he had asked her to stay. But calling her family, giving her that position… it left her breathless. She did not even realise she has started crying until Killian reached to wipe them away. She was almost startled by his gentle touch; their gazes met and Emma could see the depth of his sincerity. 

“Killian, I- I don’t know what to say,” she whispered, unable to tear her eyes away from his. She felt like she had been drowning for so long and had finally come up for air.

“You don’t have to say anything, Emma,” he whispered, drawing closer. He gave her every opportunity to pull away, but she did not. Their lips met in a tender kiss, barely a graze before he pulled away. “Emma, I am so-”

“Shh, don’t apologise,” she murmured, drawing him closer by the collar of his shirt. Their second kiss was much more heated, Killian only drawing away out of concern for Emma. But he did not go far, their foreheads still touching.

“That was-” he began, only for Emma to finish his sentence.

“- a long time coming.”

He chuckled, pulling away and returning to his seat.

“I’m glad to see you doing well, Swan.”

She leaned heavily on her pillows, suddenly feeling extremely tired. “I don’t want this night to end,” she whined, her eyes drifting closed despite herself.

“Sleep, darling. I’ll be here when you wake up. And so will Alice,” he promised, lifting her hand in his own and pressing a feather light kiss to her knuckles.

-/-

_ Present Day: Land without Magic _

Emma leant against the doorway to Killian’s room, watching him pack for their trip. Emma wasn’t sure how to tell him to leave his things behind, not when some of them clearly meant a great deal to him. “You needn’t pack clothing, Killian,” she said laughingly, as he seemed to be contemplating which of his shirts to take.

“You don’t expect me to wear the same thing every day do you?” he asked, raising a lone eyebrow at her. “Because that would be disgusting.”

“You could wear the clothes of our realm,” she offered, shrugging her shoulders.  “A shirt and some trousers. Shouldn’t be that hard to find.”

“No offense, Swan, but I would be far more comfortable in my own clothing. It’s - it’s quite silly,” he confessed, looking down at his shoes and scratching the back of his ear. “I dislike wearing someone else’s clothing. It’s a pet peeve of mine.”

“What does your pet have to do with your clothing?” Emma asked, confused by Killian’s terminology. 

“Nevermind,” Killian chuckled. “I just find it uncomfortable to wear clothes that aren’t my own.”

“Fair enough.” She looked around his sparse room, when something familiar caught her eye. “You ought to take your brother’s insignia with you.”

“Hmm?” Killian looked up from his packing, before turning to where she was pointing. “Oh. Right. How did you know about that? I assumed it was some old ancestral insignia. I have all of my brother’s medals locked up in a box.”

Emma cleared her throat, “I- uh, I’m not sure about those. But  _ that _ is Liam’s. You showed it to me once. Back in the Enchanted Forest.”

“Ah.” He grabbed it, running his thumb over the glass case it was nestled in. “I- I didn’t know…”

“Are you alright, Killian?” Emma asked, making her way into the room. “Was it something I said?”

“Oh, no. No, no, Swan,” he waved her off. “I guess I’m still struggling with this false memories thing,” he confessed, chucking humourlessly.

“Just remember that everything you feel is real. The memories might be false, but the past twenty years weren’t. You missing your brother is real.” She drew closer, placing her hand on his chest, feeling it race under her palm. “It might seem unsettling, but I’m here for you. No matter what.”

“Thank you, Swan,” he smiled thinly, squeezing her hand briefly. “Alright. I think I’m about done. Where to next? Your hotel room?”

“Oh, no. I don’t need anything from this land. I have everything I need in my satchel, and the rest back home.” She pulled a small pouch from her bag, requesting Killian to hold out his hand. She emptied the contents of it in his palm - one, shiny magic bean.

“A bean?” he asked, incredulously.

“A  _ magic _ bean. Are you ready to go back?” she asked, visibly excited.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

-/-

_ 21 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

“Oh, Emma! You’re awake!” Alice exclaimed jubilantly, jumping in place. She would have probably tackled Emma if Killian had not held her back. “I was so worried!”

Emma chuckled, reaching for Alice’s hand, which the girl readily offered. “You never have to worry about me, Alice. I would never leave you,” she promised. “Either of you,” she added, looking up at Killian and grinning.

Alice would no longer be held back, jumping into Emma’s arms, ignoring Killian’s alarmed exclamation for her to be careful.

“Starfish, Emma is still weak,” he said uselessly. Neither of his girls seemed to be ready to listen to him. 

“I’m fine, Killian,” Emma said finally, rolling her eyes at him, albeit fondly.  Not that he could blame her for her exasperation with him: he had been treating her like a delicate flower, even after he knew that she could throw quite the punch from the many sparring matches. “Could you help me up? I would very much love to walk about the room. I have been sleeping for far too long, my muscles have fallen asleep as well. They aren’t roused as easily as I am,” she joked, poking Alice and making her giggle.

“You’re quite silly, Emma,” Alice laughed, not leaving Emma’s side even when Killian helped her up. Alice held on to other hand, assisting Killian in leading her around the room. They walked slowly in relative silence, until Alice asked in an unusually quiet voice, “Did I do this to you, Emma?”

Both the adults in the room paused, staring at one another in shock before Emma knelt down to Alice’s level. “No, darling. Never. You did nothing to me. I just overused my magic. That’s all.”

“Are you sure?” Alice asked, her eyes quickly filled with tears. Killian joined them as well, gathering Alice in his arms to comfort her. “Papa and I were very worried. I thought I lost you,” she whimpered, burying her face in Killian’s shoulder and sobbing loudly.

Emma’s heart broke, watching as Alice’s entire body trembled under the weight of her sobs. “Oh, my darling. Come here,” she said, holding out her arms. Alice easily  acquiesced, crying against Emma’s collarbone, her hand fisting in her hair. “You did nothing to hurt me, Alice Jones. I was just being irresponsible, I swear. I am completely fine, darling.”

“Are you sure?” Alice hiccuped.

“Yes. I am very, very certain. You had nothing to do with my falling ill.”

Alice continued to cry for a while, before she managed to calm down. Killian silently kept rubbing her back, allowing her to purge all her emotions. “You feel better now, Starfish?” he asked soothingly, pressing a kiss to her crown.

“Aye, Papa,” she murmured, still pressed against Emma. “I love you, Emma.”

Emma froze, her heart stuttering in her chest. She shot a panicked glance at Killian, hoping that he would not resent her for this. But he only grinned back at her, nodding to her wordless question.

“I love you, too, Alice,” she whispered, her emotions all over the place. She had never felt so happy before. She had always felt a little broken, like a lost girl who never mattered and who never would. It took her so many years and crossing over to an entirely new reality for her to find her family. She would do anything to keep them together.

Anything.

-/-

_ Present Day: Land Without Magic _

“Alright, are you sure that this will work?” Killian asked, watching over his shoulder constantly.

“Yes!” Emma replied vehemently. “This is a dead-end, an empty alley, in the middle of the afternoon. No one will see us, Killian. And if they do? We don’t need to worry about them! We won’t be here!”

“Fine, fine.” He huffed. “Hold on, what is it like, over there?”

Emma stared at him incredulously. “Really? Now is when you choose to ask that question? It’s a lot of carts and rocky roads. Leather and awful corsets. And a lot of magic, just a whole lot of it. It is going to be alright though because I am there and I will not let anything happen to you.”

“Bloody hell. Alright! I’m sorry, I was just stalling.”

“Evidently.” Emma threw the magic bean on the ground without much ceremony. Killian jumped back when a swirling vortex opened up mid-air. “Ready?”

“Can’t really say no now, can I?” he replied, grabbing her hand. “Let’s just do it.”

Emma nodded, and the both ran head first into the vortex.

-/-

Gothel’s relic activated at the exact moment. She had charmed it to alert her of any travelling spells, and it worked like a - for the lack of a better term - charm. Now all she had to do was follow the duo back to the Enchanted Forest. Perhaps, she might even be willing to reunite father and daughter.

-/-

_ Present day: Enchanted Forest _

Killian looked around him, gaping at the forest that surrounded them. When Emma had mentioned the Enchanted Forest, he assumed it was simply a quirky name. He hadn’t expected to land in an actual forest. He searched for Emma, and spotted her lying a short distance away, her satchel and its contents strewn about. 

“Hey, Emma! Over here!” he called out. He started picking up all the things that had fallen out of her bag on his way over to her. Emma looked up, shaking off the dizziness of the travel. She spotted Killian, and what he was doing.

When she realised that the things in her bag were now everywhere, she started panicking. She had to get to it before Killian found it. He could not touch the dreamcatcher: it would ruin everything. Emma started frantically looking around her, rooting through her bag first and then around her. She scrambled from where she was sitting, half running and half stumbling toward Killian, hoping beyond hope that he hadn’t found the dreamcatcher. It held all his memories, and they would return to him the moment he touched it.

“Swan, you alright?” he called out mid-search.

“Yes! You don’t need to do that!” she called out, marching over to him. She let out a sigh of relief when she reached him, taking all of things from his arms and dumping them into her satchel. “Thank you.”

“Of cour- Oh, hey. You missed one,” he said, reaching for the branch above her. “It’s a dreamcatcher.” He grabbed it before Emma could react, and the moment he did, Emma knew that everything had gone to shite. He froze in place, his gaze unfocused, as if he was reliving all of his memories.

She could tell the moment he transitioned from Killian Jones, writer, to Captain Hook. His entire demeanor shifted, his expression changed from jovial into something much, much darker. “Killian?” she asked timidly.

His eyes refocused on her, his expression heartbreaking. “Swan?” he whispered brokenly, rushing forward and pressing his lips against her in a hard kiss. Emma was startled initially, but melted into him within moments, her arms slipping around his neck and pulling herself closer, even as tears slipped down her cheeks. 

He pulled back, both of them panting slightly. “Gods, I love you,” he whispered.

Emma let out a sob, hearing those words from him after decades of longing. “I love you, too.”

He tenderly brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, thumb grazing down her cheek. His eyes roamed over her face, as if he was trying to memorise her features. “How could I have forgotten you, my love,” he murmured. “I was so lost without you, Swan.”

Emma nodded tearfully, her lips pressed tight together. “I felt it. Everyday. But we’re together now.” She revelled in the feeling of being in his arms; she knew the haze of their reunion would fade and he would realize what she had done.

“Aye, that we are.” And if it were possible, his grin grew wider. “Alice-” he began, his expression still jubilant. But Emma could then pinpoint the moment he remembered. His face fell and expression grew darker, more distant. He dropped his arms from around her, his jaw clenching.

Emma swallowed thickly, pulling away from him in fear. This was so new to her, and distressing. She had felt many things with Killian Jones - but fear had never been one of them. But now that he knew she had deliberately kept him from his daughter...she genuinely was afraid of what he would do. “My cursed self - when I asked you about Alice. You told me I did not have a daughter,” he accused her, his voice eerily calm. “You  _ lied  _ to me about Alice.”

Emma could tell that the Darkness was attempting to take over, and she had to do something. “Kill-”

Before before she could get another word out, he had her pressed against a tree, trapped both physically and with the threat of his magic. His eyes, now a dark cobalt, never strayed from her own. “Where. The.  _ Fuck. Is my daughter?! _ ” he bellowed, absolutely livid.

-/-

_ Present day: Dreamscape _

Alice Jones had been wandering aimlessly around this strange, new realm. It felt like she had been here just days, but she was certain  _ years _ must have passed . She had been to many realms over the years, both with and without Emma’s company. But even Wonderland was not as wretched as this place. Many people come and go, but no one seemed to be able to see or hear her. She was all alone in this realm, trapped by her mother’s curse. Alice had been many things in life, but trapped was her least favorite. Or perhaps, trapped alone was even worse. 

Of course, she had volunteered to be put under the spell willingly; she had made Emma promise to find her father, and to get rid of the Darkness  _ before _ Emma returned his memories. She knew her father, and she knew that he would never let anything stand in his way if he found out his daughter was in danger; he would move heaven and Earth and disrupt all life just for her. He was pig-headed that way. He would probably even hurt Emma, the woman who had helped raise her, who was practically her mother. Alice could not bear to see that happen. Gothel had made her choose: either she goes or Emma does. At least this way, Alice was certain Gothel wouldn’t kill her the first chance she got; that might not be the case with Emma. 

As for her father? Well, he loved Emma very much, despite how he cursed her to an eternal life without him. It probably made a lot of sense in his Darkness-muddled head, with ghosts whispering all manner of sins in his ear, or something less morbid. He would probably regret it once it was all over; would probably drag Alice around to help him find the biggest diamond ring for Emma. 

These were the thoughts that occupy Alice’s time in this place. Thoughts that took her mind far from here and to her happy place. She thought about all the places she had travelled to, wondering what she would share with her father first, which story deserved that honor. Was it when Alice had her first crush? Or perhaps when she lost her first tooth? Or had her first drink? She spent her days deliberating how she would narrate each story, and she had an arsenal of them to get through.

Besides, Gothel never bothered with her…for the most part. There were a few times she had come over, rambling over her slumbering body. Her nasally voice echoed through this realm, grating on Alice’s nerves. She usually tried her hardest to simply avoid listening to whatever that bitch had to say.

She was helpless in her current state, and listening to her evil plans would only serve to make her feel more so. And hopeless. Still, she did not really regret her decision. Emma had sacrificed herself and her happiness more times than was fair. If anyone could get her father through this, and ensure that the both of the survive, it was Emma. While Alice’s own magic was quite powerful, she had never fully embraced or harnessed the power. Perhaps, once this was all over and this bloody curse was broken, she would finally take up Emma’s offer for lessons.

Perhaps they might all finally get their chance to be a happy family.

-/-

_ 21 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

It had been more than a week since Emma had regained consciousness and she was slowly and steadily getting back her strength. Her magic had yet to completely return; it had been so frustrating for her the first day, feeling like she had to relearn everything from the basics. She spent the night crying into her pillow, never having felt so useless or powerless before. She still was not certain if Killian had heard her, because the next day he woke her up at the crack of dawn, even carrying her down the tower on his back. Her breath hitched, pressed so close to him, her limbs wrapped around him. He had brought around his horse (she hadn’t even been aware that he had had one), Maximus, the most charming of animals. Killian did everything he could to cheer her up. He made her laugh harder than she could ever remember, trotted her around but still in sight for Alice to watch and cheer. 

She had relied on her magic so much all these years, had only that to depend on - it was her armour. To find out that it too had its limits, and be forced to confront the consequences of pushing them - it frightened her, to a greater extent than she was willing to reveal. But she had this- this  _ family _ now. For the first time, she could finally breathe - there was no place else for her except right here. And once she regained her magic, she would begin to find a way to break the spell. 

In the weeks prior to Alice’s illness, and all the drama that had accompanied it, she had reached a wall in her research. None of the spells that she had tried to combine worked, and all of the binding agents she had utilized were futile. Apart from directly seeking Gothel for assistance, there was no other way yet. But Emma was never the kind of person who gave up, and she was not about to begin now. 

A couple of days later, Emma sat on the window sill with a large tome open on her lap, taking in as much of the sun as she could before it set. The days were growing shorter, and winter was almost upon them. It would soon be too cold to sit out like this; too cold to leave the window open for long, according to what Killian had told her. She wrapped herself in a warm afghan, drowning herself in the book. All these days she had been looking for spells and magic, but if anything, the past few days had taught her to look outside of that one realm of possibility.

She had started going through Killian’s books of history and mythology, hoping that one of them would lead her to the answer. Killian settled Alice down for a nap and joined Emma, grabbing a book of his own and began reading. 

The months passed like this, both of them spending equal time with each other as they did with Alice, using every spare moment going through the books they had. When they had exhausted the collection Killian had with him, they wrote to Killian’s old first mate, and the current Captain of the  _ Jolly Roger _ , Mr. Smee. He had dutifully delivered the books Killian had requested, along with chests full of treasure and toys for Alice. Mr. Smee was the only other person who knew of Alice’s existence and had been visiting the father and daughter whenever he could, which was not very often. But Alice adored Mr. Smee, looking up at him as one would an uncle.

Emma and Killian grew closer as well, their stolen moments together precious to both of them. Emma wished to tell Alice, but Killian wanted to wait for a while longer. Emma would be lying if she said it did not hurt her feelings, but there were certain boundaries that she would not cross when it came to Alice, and this was something Killian was very insistent about. 

He had confessed to her the reason behind the secrecy one night, as the both lay beneath the starry sky at the base of the tower. Emma had laid with her ear pressed against his chest, listening to the steady staccato of his heart. 

 

(“Why do you not want Alice to know about us?” she had whispered. Because of the angle they were in, she did not have to look at him directly.

“I’m not ready for it just yet, Swan,” he had replied just as quietly. “I care for you a great deal, but you are the first person I’ve cared for like this in centuries. And for the past five years, everything I did was for Alice. She comes first for me, always.”

“I know, and I would never expect otherwise,” Emma protested, pulling herself closer. “I just- She asked me the other day if I fancied you. She can tell, Killian. She might be a child, but she is far too perceptive.”

When Killian did not reply for a long while, she began to worry. But then he finally spoke, his words soft, barely a whisper. “I’m falling in love with you, Princess. I’m really scared, and I just want to free my daughter. I feel selfish, being with you when my girl is stuck in that tower.”

Emma held back tears, and she had been only half certain that they were from joy. As much as his confession made her heart race, she finally understand where he came from. She sniffed as inconspicuously as she could. “We are being selfish, you’re right.” She had tried to get up then, but he held her tighter.

“Let’s just be selfish for once, Swan. But Alice cannot know.”

Emma had nodded, turning over and kissing him soundly. “For what it’s worth, I feel the same for you, Captain.”)

Winter took them by a storm, forcing them to remain indoors. Emma constantly offered to use her magic to ensure that they did not freeze but Killian was vehemently against it. It was only after a particularly harrowing night where they had all slept curled up together that he relented. But winter was over as quickly as it had begun, and it had already been a little less than a year since Emma had come to stay with them by the time Alice’s 6th birthday rolled around. 

Emma baked the birthday girl Snow White’s special chocolate cake, allowing her the opportunity to remember the good times before Regina had taken the reins to the kingdom.

Killian and Emma arranged six candles for Alice, standing on either side of the little girl as they sang for her birthday. “Happy Birthday, Starfish,” Killian murmured against Alice’s ear, pressing kisses all over her face, making her giggle.

“Happy Birthday, sweetheart,” Emma added, kissing her lightly on her cheek. “Now blow the candles and make a wish.”

Emma wasn’t sure what Alice had wished for, but she could imagine it quite well. Especially when Alice’s mood seemed to diminish a little afterwards.

-/-

_ Present day: Enchanted Forest _

Killian had Emma pressed against the tree, his anger exuding off of him in waves. “Answer me, dammit,” he growled, his hand clenching tightly around Emma’s wrist, his hook embedded into the tree above her. “Where is Alice?!”

“Killian, y-you need to calm, calm down,” Emma stuttered out. Her heart was pounding violently against her chest, and she was afraid that he might actually rip it out. “Killian, please, you’re scaring me. I’ll tell you everything, but please,” she almost begged.

He had changed so drastically, so quickly. It threw Emma off; it was not supposed to happen like this. She was supposed to have control over the situation. It was exactly for this reason that she had avoided giving him his memories back.

He must have sensed the real fear in Emma’s voice, because he swiftly backed up, pressing his back against the tree that was parallel to her, as if he was holding himself back. He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. Emma had seen this behaviour before, back when he had first become the Dark One. “Ignore the voice, Killian. It is not real. I’m real. I’m here.”

“Where is Alice, Emma?!” he shouted, making her jump.

“She’s with Gothel,” Emma confessed. Killian’s head snapped up, his eyes widened in disbelief, and dare she think it - betrayal? “You have to listen. I did everything to stop Alice, but she had made up her mind. She wanted me to take you to Merlin, and get rid of the Darkness. She  _ told  _ me not to give you your memories back because she knew you would go back for her.”

“SHE IS MY DAUGHTER. Of course I want to go ba-  _ Back?! _ She’s in the Land without Magic? She’s been there all along?” Killian fired one question after another, and Emma finally decided it was time to tell him everything. 

“There- There’s a letter in my bag. From Alice, to you. She’s explained everything in it. I’m just doing what she wanted me to, Killian. I’m respecting her wishes.”

“ _ Her wishes _ ? Bloody hell, Emma! She’s a child. She doesn’t know anything,” Killian snapped, his jaw clenching so tight, she could practically hear his teeth grind together. “You were supposed to take care of her, keep her safe. And you let her be kidnapped by that wench-”

“Hey!” Emma cut him off, her own anger rising with every scathing remark he made. “I did not let her do anything. I almost killed myself trying to stop her - AGAIN. Alice went on her own volition. She went with Gothel, because you need my help defeating the Darkness.”

Killian scoffed loudly, shaking his head. “Alice is my daughter. _ Mine _ . All you had to do was keep her safe, and you fucked that up. You have no idea what it feels like right now. You have no idea what it feels like to lose your child.”

Emma felt her heart break at his words. All the ways she had imagined this moment going, none of them had involved Killian being so cruel. She tried to convince herself that it was the Darkness making him say these things, but he must really feel those things. She pushed back her anguish, brushing her tears away, letting her own anger take over. “Well, you left us. You were too much of a coward to face  _ your _ Darkness, and you left us. I raised her. I was there for all those years. We never stopped loving you -  _ I  _ never stopped loving you. Not even after what you did, forcing parts of your curse on me. You did that to me, told me that you needed me to be there, to find a  _ cure _ . You corrupted my magic, Killian! So, fuck you too. Fuck. You. 

“I did everything you wanted - all of it. You wanted me to be there for Alice, I was. You wanted me to find a cure, I did. You wanted me to suffer the same immortality as you, and  _ believe me _ , I did. I still do. I did all of that. And I would have died to keep Alice safe, too. She  _ made a fucking choice _ . She’s not a child anymore; I know that because I was there to see her grow up.”

“That is such a fucked up thing to say. You told me to go, Emma!” He stalked over to her, until he was standing just a hair’s breadth away. “You said it was okay, that you would be okay.”

“Of course I said that, Killian. That was what you needed to hear. I did that too,  _ for you _ . Just like enduring all these years, waiting until I found an actual answer to the Darkness before I came after you. No matter how much I wanted to jump into a portal and come after you, I didn’t.” Emma’s lip wobbled, her efforts to keep her tears at bay failing. She pushed at his chest. “You broke my heart. I’ve abused it with my magic, I’ve been poisoned. But all of that physical pain, the surgery, and everything else in the Land without Magic? None of that pain compares to what you did. No one has ever hurt me like you did, Killian Jones.”

-/-

Killian was stricken at her words, physically staggering back. “Emma,” he whispered, unable to stomach the pain she described.  _ Had he really been so selfish that he hurt her that badly? _ He could still feel the rage, but it had simmered down in lieu of his heartbreak, as he watched the woman he loved break apart in front of him -  _ because of him _ .

“You really should read the letter Alice left for you,” she said thrusting it at him, her voice raspy and her gaze trained away from him. More than her anger, her disappointment hurt him the most. He felt sick to his stomach, unable to bring himself to say anything that could make the situation better. She began walking away, but stopped short, their shoulders almost brushing even though she was faced away from him. “You said that I have no idea what it feels like to lose a child?” She let out a mirthless chuckle. “I lost a child, too. At least you know you will get yours back,” she whispered, walking away from him.

His heart stopped short in his chest at her admission. She could not mean that, no.... It couldn’t be. He turned, grabbing her shoulder, hoping to stop her, to comfort her. But she whirled around, her eyes flashing white with her light magic as she sent a blast his way, sending him flying and crashing against a giant tree, his back smarting. He groaned, knowing that it was only because he was the Dark One that he did not have a serious injury right then. He could still feel the lingering shock of her magic pulse through him.

“You know what the worst part is?” she asked, biting her lip sharply. “I still love you. I love you so much it hurts.”

Killian stood up, his heart swelling with her words. If she still loved him, then there was still hope. But her next words stopped him in his tracks. “I never thought you were capable of being so cruel. To  _ me _ . I thought you would at least let me explain.” Emma sucked in a deep breath. “I do love you; but Killian, it  _ hurts _ to love you.”


	7. I'd marry you in an instant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian and Emma have a much needed talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter a month after my dad passed, so hahaha heights of grief. I cried my way through Alice's letter to Killian. This was a hard chapter to write, but I'm glad I did. This fic would always hold a special place in my heart because I'm going to always look at the first half as stuff I wrote "a priori" and the second half as stuff I wrote "ad hoc". I think you can tell it too, because it's just that much more angst-ier now. I'm so grateful to the lot of you who have stuck through this journey with me. 
> 
> A big thanks to @sambethe for the amazing artworks for Chapter 2 and Chapter 5, and the great banner. Go check out the original post. 
> 
> ALSO have you checked out the videos that @downeystarkjr has made for this fic - a teaser AND a longer video! I can't with the talent for these two artists. 
> 
> Pretty sure I would be nowhere without @accio-ambition, in live or on tumblr. Love you, baeeb.
> 
> Such a great bunch of fics and artwork this year for @captainswanbigbang. I'm in awe!

_ _

_ Present day: Enchanted Forest _

When Emma left the clearing, Killian worried that she would not return, not with how wrecked she had sounded. His heart had shattered at her admission, and he was helpless to do anything but watch as she walked away. He could not bring himself to even think about what she had said, about losing a child…

She had disappeared through the tree line, but he had still been able to sense her magic. Killian could feel the Darkness in him reach out toward Emma’s light magic - to conquer it, to  _ destroy it _ . His emotions were all over the place; his skin was buzzing, his heart and head in disarray. This wasn’t unfamiliar to him, however. This Darkness was like any addiction, and he was itching for a fix. If he were back in the Land without Magic, he would have dragged his arse to a meeting right now. The only things he had at this moment was himself and the Darkness, which, based on past experience, was not a great combination. The last time he listened to the Darkness, he ended up hurting everyone he cared about and running away from his problems.

He was tempted to go after Emma multiple times since she left, but his bones still ached from the blast of magic Emma had struck him with and he did not want to incite her again. Especially when she had made it quite clear where he stood in her life. He had waited the first hour or so, hoping that she would return. But then he started to get restless and itched to do something, feeling the limitless magic spark under his fingertips.

He needed a distraction. 

It was then that he had noticed the letter from Alice Emma had given him. Perhaps it was about time he read his daughter’s version of things. Maybe if he had done that in the first place, he would not even be in this situation. He was surprised to find the letter sealed, with no signs of tampering. He unfolded it, his eyes tracing the neat cursive of his daughter’s handwriting.

Killian felt a large lump in his throat, his eyes filled with tears. He could remember clearly what Alice had been like when she was five-years-old. But this was written by a young woman whom he did not know, and that thought alone was enough to send him spiralling.

Emma had been right, he might not have aged in the past couple of decades, but Alice definitely had. He sucked in a deep breath, centering himself and pushing aside the the festering Darkness.

_ Dear Papa, _

_ I never thought that the first time I’d talked to you after all these years would be through a letter. I know you are confused and angry about everything right now. I know you miss me, and I know you are worried. I miss you beyond words, Papa. I wish I had more time to write this. Honestly, if I were wishing for things, I wish I could just see you in person.  _

_ You once made a deal to save me from a horrible fate. You made a choice that day for  _ my _ good. I’m doing the same thing by going with Gothel. I’m making a choice, so I can see you again one day. If I allow her to take Emma, Gothel will kill her. I need to hold on to the hope that she would not do the same thing to her child. I need you to hold on to the hope that we  _ will _ meet again, Papa. I really, really need you to understand that this was my decision. Emma hates this just as much as you probably do; but she has sacrificed for this family too. If you are going to come for me, come as  _ my Papa _ , without the wretched Darkness plaguing you. Until then, I’ll wait for you. Always and Forever. _

_ Love, _

_ Your Starfish _

Killian’s hand shook, letting the letter drop in his lap. He couldn’t help but think about how grown up his Alice sounded; he had missed out on everything. He did that to himself, and he could not blame Emma for his selfishness. He ought to have believed her when she had told him she would help him control the Darkness. But he had seen the way it had split Rumplestiltskin’s family apart. While he would never forgive the Crocodile for murdering Milah in cold blood, he knew that if it were not for the Darkness, he might have spared her life. He never wanted something like that to happen to either of his girls. He was too afraid of dealing with the consequences.

Hell, he had not even waited to hear Emma out just then; he had let the Darkness take over so easily. What if the next time, he did something much worse? What if he hurt her?

_ ‘If you are going to come for me, come as  _ my Papa _ , without the wretched Darkness plaguing you’ _ he read the line again. He felt a strong conviction at Alice’s words. If she could believe in him, even after all these years, then he needed to believe in himself.

-/-

_ 20 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

_ “Are you ready to tell your daughter that she will soon be free?” Emma could swear that the smile that took over her pirate’s face rivaled even the bright rays of the sun _ .

“Aye,” Killian grinned. “You did it, love.” He pressed a quick yet firm kiss to her lips, his lips stretched into a wide smile the whole time. “Come on, love. Let’s go.”

Emma’s cheeks coloured under his praise, her own expression joyous. She had set out to find a way to save Alice, and while she had never intended to fall in love with Killian or find a place for herself with the Joneses, she was incredibly glad about the outcome. Maybe after they freed Alice from this tower once and for all, she and Killian could discuss their future. He was right to want to focus on Alice now. They had all the time in the world to reflect on what they mean to each other. Right now, though, she knew he loved her, and she loved him.

However, despite her eagerness to start their quest, she was hesitant about what it entailed. “Are you certain you want to go down this path?” Emma asked Killian, stopping him in his tracks.

He turned to face her, his brows pulled together. “Of course. I don’t know why I never thought of this before.” He shook his head, chuckling dryly. “I should have known that the Crocodile was the answer. Quite fitting that my worst enemy is the one who can save my daughter.”

“Killian, Rumplestiltskin is notorious for his deals. I told you, I could do it myself. All I need to do is siphon the spell from the tower and transfer it onto something else.”

“That would exhaust your magic completely,” he countered. “Both of us know the consequences of that, Swan. I can’t- I won’t allow it.”

Emma was irked by his reponse. “You won’t  _ allow  _ it?” she asked, crossing her arms defiantly. “What makes you think you can tell me what to do?”

He gaped at her, as if he was surprised by her defensiveness. “I’m not trying to tell you anything! I’m looking out for you, Emma.”

“I don’t need you to. I know how to take care of myself,” she scowled, her body stiff and on edge. “I can do this, there is no need for you to go to the Dark One.”

Killian sighed, almost like he was tired. He approached her slowly, gripping her shoulder with his hand, making her meet his eyes. “I have already made up my mind, Swan. There is another way, and I am going to take it. I am not going to risk losing you.”

Emma’s shoulders sagged, stepping closer to him and pressing her forehead to his shoulder. “Why can’t you just trust me?” she asked on a sigh.

“I do trust you. I trust you with Alice’s life, I trust that you will do anything for her. That’s why I can’t let you do this. You will end up sacrificing your life, Swan.” He swallowed thickly, dragging her closer to him, his arm wrapping around her waist and his chin balancing on her shoulder. “I won’t be able to live with myself if anything of the sort happened to the woman I love.”

Emma felt a heaviness in her chest at his admittance. “Isn’t that what parents do? Give up their lives for their children? Alice is like my daughter; so why can’t you just accept my decision?” Emma’s voice was low and soft; she was hesitant to cross the line with Alice. But she wanted to make it clear to Killian where she stood when it came to him and Alice. She was in it for the long haul, and she was done trying to suppress it.

Killian stepped back just enough to pull her in for a kiss that quite literally stole her breath. She could feel everything he could not say in words. Emma was the first one to pull back, her lips swollen and pink. She pressed her forehead to his, both their eyes remaining closed. “You’ve been her mother in all the ways that matter, Emma,” he whispered.

Emma’s heart soared at his words, but waited with bated breath for his next words, hoping that he would agree with her. 

“It would break Alice’s heart if something were to happen to you.” He chuckled at Emma’s scowl, knowing that he had her. “Come now, Swan. Let’s go tell  _ our _ girl the good news.”

Emma sighed, staying rooted in her spot. Killian barely seemed to repress his groan, waiting with hand and hook on his hips. “What is it now?”

“We need to get the Dark One dagger. If you want to get Rumplestiltskin to accept your terms, you’re going to have to command him to.”

-/-

_ Present Day: Enchanted Forest _

Emma sniffled, her eyes trained on the grave in front of her, her fingers fiddling with the ring on her chain. She had not intended to come here, her heart already too raw from her fight with Killian, but her feet had unconsciously brought her to her child’s grave. Well, grave indicated that she had given birth to the baby, but she never had that chance. This was the only way she knew of to offer tribute to the life that was lost, to remember her and Killian’s child. 

It had been a little over a month after Killian had left her and Alice, and she had realised that she was over two weeks late in her courses. Despite expecting the news, hearing that she was carrying Killian’s child had still shocked her. She had been struggling to mother Alice alone, and she had been uncertain about bringing a child into their chaotic life. Emma had had no inkling of how to be a mother, especially to a little girl whose father had been her entire life. Alice had been unconsolable the first few days after Killian had left, and she had slowly been getting better. A baby would have only disrupted the delicate balance Emma and Alice had established.

But in spite of her apprehension, Emma had been elated by the news. Killian might not be here, but she had his daughter and now this other child with her. It had given her hope, that things weren’t as dire as she had thought they were. She could raise her children, and find a way to save Killian from the Darkness. She had been prepared to settle with what she had to be happy. But it was not easy to care for a six-year-old who was seeing the outside world for the first time while pregnant. It was not easy being pregnant in any situation; and she was ill-equipped to handle it. She had started to doubt her ability to be a mother to this baby a couple of weeks after she had found out. A husband-less mother of two? That would not be an easy label to live with. She had struggled to stay positive as the weeks passed, but not even at her lowest moment did she not want the baby.

It had been a cold and stormy night, and it had taken Emma a long while to get Alice settled for the night. Thankfully they had found shelter at an inn, especially considering she had been having great pains in her abdomen, coming and going at odd intervals. The pain had only increased throughout the day, and by the time Alice had fallen asleep, Emma could hardly move. Emma had called for a midwife hours ago, when the pain was just mild, but she had been delayed due to the rain. She had resisted asking the inn owners for help, but she had had no other choice.  

The wife of the inn owner, Claire, had tried make Emma comfortable, brought her some soup and bread, kept her company through the night, even as her pain grew worse and worse. Emma could still remember the unbelievable pain she had felt. Alice had woken in the middle of the night from Emma’s cries, wordlessly hugging her, trying to offer any comfort she could. Emma could tell that she had had no clue, and to this day, Alice had no idea what had happened that night. Somewhere a little after midnight, Claire had noticed that Emma was bleeding. That had been the moment she had known - her baby was not going to make it. It was not uncommon for women to lose their child so early in their pregnancies, but that had in no manner made it any easier on Emma. She had never  _ needed _ anyone in her life until that night, but she desperately  _ needed _ Killian with her. She needed him to hold her hand, to tell her that they would be alright. That their child would be alright. She needed his solid presence and she needed false promises. 

She lost her child that night, and if it were not for Alice, she would have lost all will to live. She had never felt the kind of heartache like she had that night. She was half-tempted to wrench her heart from her chest and bury it somewhere far away. Just for a little while. But she knew what a steep path that was, and it was not one she had been ready to go down. Not when she was accountable for Alice. She might have lost a child, but she still had her little girl to look after. It had taken her a long time to get through her grief from losing both her child and her lover within months of each other. 

She would never be able to forget that night in a million years, and some broken part of her did not want to either. It was like the scab of a wound: you know it would hurt to pick at it, but you do anyway. She had spent the years since using that pain to motivate her to be a better mother to Alice, to raise a girl who was happy and wanted for nothing. She did not feel alone for even a moment. She wanted to make sure that while Alice never forgot Killian, she also did not stop living her life. Both her and Killian had sacrificed so much for Alice’s freedom. She had to admit that with watching Alice grow up and trying to live her own life as much as she could, she had lost track of finding the cure. It was only after Gothel had taken Alice too from her that she finally found some leads. Leads that had led her to Camelot, to Merlin. To the Land without Magic, to bringing Killian home.

She had never expected him to be so hostile, though. She had been dreaming of this day, of reuniting with him, for years. Of being happy again, for just a moment. Especially after Alice had been taken; the only thing that kept her going was knowing that she would be reunited with her family again. But everything she feared had happened; she was certain that Killian would never forgive her. How could they ever work together, when all they seemed to do is hurt each other?

Emma knelt on the ground, her fingers tracing the name carved into stone - her child’s name. She bit her lip to keep it from trembling, her vision blurred from her tears. 

“Charles?”

Emma froze, not expecting any company. She assumed that Killian would just leave her alone; that he would be too furious to come after her. In fact, she had hoped that he wouldn’t come after her. She was not ready to share this part of her story with him just yet.

“Killian.” She stood up, brushing at her cheeks and clearing her throat. She couldn’t understand the expression on his face as he entered the clearing, his brows pulled and jaw clenched tight. She was almost afraid of what he would do, something she had  _ never _ once felt around him before.

“Is- is that for our child?” he asked, his voice shaky and tentative. He kept his distance from her, but he couldn’t keep his anguish from her. “Emma?” he prompted, when she couldn’t bring herself to answer him.

-/-

_ 20 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

“Papa!” Alice exclaimed, dropping her paintbrush and rushing to her father. Emma smiled, watching father and daughter reunite. 

“Starfish! Oh, how I missed you, darling!” Killian pressed kisses all over Alice’s face making her giggle and wriggle out of his embrace and reaching for Emma instead. Killian walked up to Smee, who had scrambled up to his feet, both men talking in hushed whispers.

Emma wasn’t one to pass up on a cuddle, hugging Alice tightly to her. As much as she had enjoyed some alone time with Killian, she had missed the little girl she had come to see as her own. “Did you have fun with Mister Smee, Al?” she asked, pulling back.

“Yes!” Alice jumped on the spot, rushing to get everything they had done over the week, making both Emma and Killian chuckle. Killian grabbed Alice, hefting her on his hip and kept listening to her stories as he went about preparing a quick meal for everyone.

She spied Smee from the corner of her eye as he stood, looking around awkwardly. Curious about what Killian could have possibly told him, she went to assist him in cleaning up Alice’s workspace. “I hope Alice was not too difficult? She could get a bit upset when Killian isn’t around.”

“Oh no, miss. She was fine,” he replied, waving off her concerns. “A perfect angel. She seemed a little upset that both of you were not here, but she asked for you more. She really seems to love you, miss.”

“Please, call me Emma.” After a moment, she asked, hesitantly, “You- you knew Killian before.”

“Aye, I did. He was one hell of a captain.” Smee sounded wistful, his expression a little dazed. “But he had always wanted a family, that much I know,” he added, shooting a soft smile in Emma’s direction.

Emma contemplated asking Smee about Milah, but she wasn’t certain if Killian would appreciate that. He had always seemed reluctant to tell her about Milah; she could never understand why. He knew everything about her past. She couldn’t help but feel that she was on the outside with Killian sometimes. Perhaps now was not the time to think about such things, but it hardly seemed fair to her. There is only so much she could accept; he did not seem to mind her calling Alice her daughter. Perhaps, they should then tell the girl herself. It was time to stop hiding their relationship.

Emma was lost in thought all evening, hardly touching her supper, quietly contemplating how she could bring up the subject with Killian. Smee had noticed the tension building in the room, quickly finishing his meal and left, promising to return in a week. Emma hadn’t even been aware that Killian had spoken to him about their imminent journey and decided that it would be the following week. He had decided it  _ for _ them, without once consulting her. She understood that Alice was his priority, and he always had to have the final say. But if she was to be a true mother to Alice, then they needed to have an equal partnership. He couldn’t simply make decisions for her too. She was not his wife.

Emma had a feeling that Killian knew something was bothering her; after supper, he dragged Emma to the kitchen, while still having an eye on Alice as she played with her dolls. 

“Is something wrong, love? You’ve been awfully quiet the entire evening.” She could tell he was genuinely concerned, his hand resting lightly on her waist.

“Are you certain you want to know?” she asked, wincing to herself at her irate tone.

Killian’s brows pulled together, confused by her response. She couldn’t blame him - for all he knew, she had been perfectly fine a couple of hours ago. “Of course I do, darling. I am worried about you. Talk to me.”

Emma felt her anger abate at his sweet tone, but she knew she had to hold her stance. “I think we should tell Alice.”

“Aye, I thought that was the plan?” 

“Not just about freeing her from this tower. About us.”

“I thought we decided to wait until after we freed her?”

Emma pulled out of his grip, hugging herself. Killian looked hurt by the gesture, his hand still outstretched. “ _ You _ decided that, Killian. Just like you decided to go to the Dark One.”

He immediately dropped his hand, his eyes flashing at her. “We discussed this, Emma.”

“No, we did not,” she hissed. “I understand why you don’t want me to do it, but-”

“No, I don’t think you do. You hardly touched the barrier before, and you were hurt. Do you honestly think I could watch something worse happen to you? I love you!” he hissed, his voice low and fierce.

“Do you?” she challenged, regretting it the moment the words left her mouth. Killian looked like she had slapped him.

“How could you ask me that?” His words came out in barely a whisper, his eyes searching hers for some reason behind her doubts.

“If you really do love me, why do we have to lie to Alice about us? You say I’m practically her mother - you have no idea how much that means to me - but you never treat me like an equal. You keep me on the outside, Killian, especially when it comes to Alice. You make every decision  _ for  _ me. I want us to be equal partners in this. I don’t know how I can make up for not being Alice’s birth mother, but I love that child like she is my own heart. You wanting to hide our relationship from Alice just makes me feel like a dirty secret.” Emma couldn’t help the tears that sprang to her eyes, stubbornly refusing to shed them. “You say loving me is selfish. You know what that makes me think?” He shook his head, unable to form words. “It makes me think you are ashamed of me. So, I ask you again, do you love me?”

His eyes never strayed from hers. Emma could see the depth of his emotions. She could see how deeply her words cut - but she could not bring herself to regret them. His jaw ticked as he clenched and unclenched it, clearly struggling with finding the right words. She thought if she could just tell him how she felt, he would dissuade her fears. But she could tell from his silence that he was aware of what he was doing. She should have realised that he would be unwilling to compromise. She sighed, nodding and accepting defeat. She tried, and at the end of the day, that was what mattered. Maybe he might have been more receptive once they had liberated Alice from her prison. But she might not be able to wait that long.

She walked away from him, her heart hardening once again. She made the mistake of letting her walls down with Killian, she forgot that he had ones of his own. Walls of jagged stones, so tall and impenetrable that she could not scale them without losing herself in the process. And she wasn’t so certain that he even wanted her to.

-/-

_ Present Day _ : _ Enchanted Forest _

Now that he had his memories back, Killian could remember - among other, more pleasant memories - every argument he had had with Emma. They were both stubborn people with strong opinions, and there had been no shortage of fights. He could still remember the day she had asked him to tell Alice about them: it had felt like an ultimatum and Captain Hook historically did not do well with ultimatums. But he had almost lost her that day because he had been afraid to open up his heart completely to another person again. He thought he had known what fear was then, when she had walked away disappointed. But that was nothing compared to how she looked at him now. She looked at him with resentment and undisguised anguish. She looked  _ afraid _ of him. How could he hope to come back from that?

“Emma?” he prompted when she did not answer him. He could hear how desperate and tormented he sounded, but he did not care. “Whose grave is that?” 

Emma’s lip wobbled and she bit down hard on it. Her silence spoke louder than words ever could have, it told him what he needed to know. He gasped, feeling suddenly breathless as he felt his knees give out from under him. He didn’t think that was possible for the Dark One, but his heart had gone through a tumultuous journey within a few short hours. He could hear the Darkness talk to him again, telling him to let out his agony, to release it into the world. To let the world  _ know _ his pain.

Emma let out a stuttering breath, her hand reaching for her chest as she walked to him. She knelt in front of him, her hands framing his face delicately, her own tear-filled eyes meeting his. “Look at me,” she whispered. “Just me. It’s just me here, Killian. Do not listen to anything but my voice.”

He nodded, grasping at her shoulder to steady himself. The Darkness hissed louder at him, telling him to hurt Emma. But he pushed it aside, focusing on her voice, on the light magic that radiated from her. He expected it to burn like it did when she attacked him before, but it felt warm, like an embrace. He felt her light envelop him, draw him away from the Darkness. He closed his eyes, concentrating on just her voice, on her. It took awhile for the loud, abrasive voice of the Darkness die down. He opened his eyes slowly, only to find himself wrapped up in Emma’s arms, their cheeks pressed together and her voice whispering soothingly in his ear.

He cleared his throat, pulling back slightly, just enough to see her. He brushed at her tearstained cheek with the flat of his hook, holding her gaze steadily. “Thank you, Emma.”

She nodded, smiling tightly at him and squeezing his left arm. She looked surprised to see him with his hook again, but didn’t mention it, which he was glad for. It felt right, to have the hook back, no matter how convenient the prosthetic was. 

“How did you find me?” she asked, after a moment, pulling away and sitting more comfortably next to him.

“Your magic, it left a trace. It was not hard for me to follow,” he answered, suddenly embarrassed, rubbing the back of his neck.

She frowned at him. “You shouldn’t use your magic. The more you use it, the more easy it will be to give in to the Darkness.”

“Yet, you always manage to bring me back.” He reached for her hand, but she drew away before he could, looking away from him. 

Killian resisted the urge to sigh. He should have expected this; nothing had changed, simply because she helped him get through his struggle with the Darkness just then. He had hurt her time and again, and she had done the same to him. They might have had the best intentions, but that did not justify their actions. They had spent a long time apart, and evidently, a lot had happened.

“What happened?” he asked lowly. Neither of them were looking at the other, both of their gazes fixed on the gravestone.

“I found out a month after you left. I never got to - I never had the chance to carry him to term.” She let out a stuttering breath, reaching for his hand, squeezing tight. “I lost him around the fourth month,” she said, her voice a soft and devastating thing.

“I-” Killian couldn’t say anything beyond that. What could he possibly say? That he was sorry? That he wished he had been there? That he wished he had never left? There was nothing to say at this moment. Emma had had to live with the grief of losing their baby for so many years, alone in her sorrow. He wanted to ask more, but he wasn’t certain he really wanted to know. Because at the end of the day, they had still lost the child. He would only cause her more pain by bringing it up. He couldn’t help but blame himself for their loss, however. “Emma, I-”

“I know, Killian. Me too.” She rested her head against his shoulder, and for a second it felt like old times. Before the Darkness and all the bad decisions that had followed. Before the heartache and the anger and the pain they had caused each other. Before their loss.

But the moment was shattered the next second.

Emma pulled back, prompting Killian to face her once more. “I need to tell you something, and I need you to listen to me,” she started.

Killian nodded, feeling dread build in his gut. Whatever was coming, he knew that nothing would ever be the same again.

“I love you, Killian Jones. With all my heart. I love you  _ so much _ . Which is why this is so hard for me to say.” She licked her lips, fiddling with the ring he had given her. She tugged at the necklace that was holding the ring, pulling it free. “I need you to take this back. No- Don’t,” she stopped before he could say anything. “Please, don’t make this harder than it has to be.

“I think we need to take a step back from  _ us _ . We’ve both just-” she paused, organising her thoughts. “I think we did what we  _ thought _ was right for each other. I know you never wanted this Darkness, I know I pushed it onto you. I didn’t want to lose you, but I did anyway. We keep hurting each other, because we think we know what’s good for the other. It’s been so long, though, Killian. I’ve changed, and so have you.” She let out a sound that was half-gasp, half-sob, before biting down hard on her lip. “Our main focus should be to get rid of the Darkness and save Alice. We can’t afford to get caught up in ourselves.” She held the ring out to him, but he stared at her defiantly, refusing to accept it, and in that way, accept her terms.

“Do you love me?” he asked, echoing her words from years past.

Emma looked pained at his question, biting the inside of her cheek. “Of course I do. I just told you I do.”

“Then, why-”

“Killian,  _ please _ ,” she begged, unwilling to let him convince her that this was a bad idea. “ _ Please _ don’t make me say things I don’t mean. Do you want to hear that I don’t love you? That I don’t want you? I can’t do that. But we are clashing swords right now, and unless one of us yields, both of us are going to get hurt. We’ve done enough damage already. It’s just- It’s too hard.”

“Well, that’s what being in love is, Emma! It’s not always easy. There will be tough times. We just need to get through them together.” His heart was racing in his chest; he had been so afraid to lose her, and for that to be a reality was gut wrenching.

“I know!” Emma snapped back. “But this is more than just tough times, Killian.” She sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm down. “I do not want us to get to a place where we cannot salvage our relationship any longer. I  _ cannot _ jump back to how we were twenty years ago. I thought I could, I wanted that -  _ believe me _ , I wanted that so much. But I know you feel that resentment simmering in you. I know I feel it. That is not how I want our relationship to be.”

Killian wanted to argue, to fight for her to stay. But he knew she was right. They  _ had _ changed. They  _ did  _ hurt each other. They needed to take a respite from  _ them _ and focus on the bigger picture. He relented, taking the ring from her hand, his heart in his throat. She smiled gratefully, pressing her lips softly against his, feather-light and just for a second. For the second time that day, he watched her walk away, his hand clenching around the ring.

-/-

_ 20 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

Emma was curled up on the window ledge, her back to the room. She hadn’t spoken a word since their disagreement. Her silence felt like a dagger in Killian’s heart, knowing that he had hurt her more than he could imagine. How could he have not seen it? He never meant to push her away, to keep her on the outside, but when all was said and done, that was exactly what he had done. He had been using Alice as an excuse to protect his own heart, but knowing that his love was in pain made him reevaluate his decision. 

Killian knew Alice would not have a problem with his relationship to Emma. But he simply did not want to get her hopes up in case their relationship did not work out. But just the thought that he might lose her had him feeling sick to his gut. How could he ever doubt their love? There was only one thing he could think to do.

He pulled out Liam’s ring from the box he had it stashed in. Alice had tugged on the chain a lot when she was child, it was simply easier to remove it. But he needed it now, he needed to show her that he was in this for the long haul as well.

His mind made up, he pulled Alice to the side, despite her protests of being seperated from her dolls in the middle of playtime.

“Starfish, I need to talk to you about something really important,” he explained, pulling her on his lap.

“Yes, Papa?” She looked up at him eagerly, her eyes big and bright blue. 

“You remember what I told you about your mother?” he asked softly, involuntarily pulling her closer to him, ready to comfort her if the need arose. And needing the comfort himself.

She nodded, her expression immediately turning sullen. “Aye, Papa. She isn’t a good person. She put me in this tower.”

Killian sucked in a sharp breath at her matter-of-fact tone. She had been utterly devastated when she had first found out it had been her own mother who had trapped her here, unable to understand why she would do that. She had sobbed inconsolably; it had been the worst moment of fatherhood, helpless to comfort his child. He had felt like a failure then, because he couldn’t give her everything she wanted. And they were such simple things - her freedom and a mother. With her freedom finally on the horizon, perhaps he should make her other wish come true as well.

“You have been such a brave girl, Alice. I’m proud of you, you know that, right?” he asked, needing the assurance from her. She nodded, pressing her hand to his cheek, as if she wanted to comfort him. “Do you- Am I enough for you, love? Just Papa?”

Alice nodded vehemently, her curls bobbing with her. “‘Course you are, Papa!”

“What would you say if I told you you could have a new mama?” He paused, searching her eyes for any confusion. “Would you be okay with that?”

Her brows knit together, seeming unsettled by his question. “A new mama? Would she be your wife?”

“Perhaps. Or perhaps, she could just be your mama. What would make you happy, darling?”

“I don’t  _ need _ a mama. I have you, Papa. And now, I have Emma,” she stated. “Isn’t Emma like my mama?”

Killian’s heart warmed at that, his lips stretching into a wide grin. “Would you be alright with that? If Emma was your mama?” 

Alice’s eyes lit up and she grinned widely at him. “Yes, Papa! Yes!” she exclaimed, bouncing excitedly in his lap. “If she is my Mama, and you’re my Papa...Does that mean she will be your wife?”

“Is that alright with you?” He waited with bated breath for her response, and he was not disappointed.

“Papa!” Alice whispered it like a secret, standing on his thighs, balancing herself on his shoulders and staring at him intensely. “You love Emma!”

“Aye,” he agreed. It was not unusual for him to have a serious conversation with Alice. She had been the only company he had had for five years. Besides, she had always been a perceptive lass. “I do love her. And I was wondering if I should ask her to marry me. What do you think?” he asked, holding out the ring he planned on giving Emma.

“It’s so pretty.” Alice took it from his hand, her eyes glowing with the shine from the rubies embedded in the band. She looked very much like a mini-pirate, a fact that sent a ripple of pride through his heart.

“Why don’t you give it to Emma for me? Ask her if she wants to be a part of our family,” he prompted, plopping Alice to her feet and watched her scurry to Emma.

Killian watched with quiet anticipation as Alice climbed next to Emma. He watched the two of them interact, feeling his life finally fall into place. His two girls, his two loves….Hopefully, Emma accepted his proposal. He noticed Emma freeze, her hair a curtain over her face, so he could not see her reaction. He felt the nerves build, uncertain about what Emma would say. He had thought it was quite charming, to send Alice like that. But it might not have been the best decision, considering how their last conversation ended.

His fears were abated the moment Emma looked up at him with wide-eyed disbelief, tears welling and her face taken over with joy. Emma hugged Alice to her tightly, nodding wordlessly at him. 

Killian covered the distance between them in three strides, tangling his fingers in her hair and pressing his lips to hers in a deep kiss. “I love you,” he whispered, pulling back. “I’m sorry I ever made you doubt that.” He took the ring from her hand with a shaky hand and slid it over her finger.

“I love you, too.” This was the happiest Killian had ever seen her, and it caused his heart to flutter dangerously in his chest. Alice wriggled out of Emma’s tight grip, her grin mirroring Emma’s. Killian vowed in that moment to make sure his girls were always this happy.

-/-

_ Present Day: Enchanted Forest _

Emma felt like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders after her conversation with Killian. Of course, she still loved him, but taking a break was the right thing to do. As much as she had wanted things to be the same, they weren’t. He had left so suddenly, with so many loose ends. It was unfair to her to forgive and forget everything that had happened. Of course she had missed him desperately the past two decades, and she  _ did _ want to be with him again. But they needed to time to talk about their relationship, and now just was not it. Instead of pretending that everything was fine now, and letting resentment and anger and all the other ugly feelings build up inside, simply taking a step back and evaluating what they both wanted individually should take precedence.

Maybe she wanted to spend a few years by herself. Maybe he wanted some time with Alice alone. There were a lot of things to consider, and she would not make the mistake of making an emotional decision like she had done when she had accepted his proposal all those years ago. She had been too caught up in her surface happiness, and never once stopped to think about the glaring faults in their relationship. 

Emma felt much more confident in her decision, her heart a lot lighter and her mind far less cluttered.  _ This was healthy in the long run, _ she thought.

“Hey,” Killian greeted, startling her from her thoughts.

“Hello.” She tucked her hair behind her ears, feeling the awkwardness settle thickly around them.

“Erm, I thought you would like some water.” He held out a canteen, shaking it at her when she did not immediately take it. “Don’t worry, it’s not laced with anything,” he added, a hint of bite in his tone.

Emma sighed, having anticipated Killian’s reaction. “Thank you.” A beat later, she said, “We should get some rest. It’s been a long day.”

“Aye.” He looked away from her, and she could see how tightly he was clenching his jaw. He was clearly not happy about her decision. “Where are we headed to?”

“Camelot. Merlin knows of a way to destroy the Darkness once and for all. But we have a slight detour before that,” she replied. When he simply nodded, still not turning to face her, Emma gave up all pretense. If he was going to be a stubborn arse, then she did not have to be civil.

“You’re wrong, you know?” he called after her.

Emma’s control over her anger snapped, and she whirled around to face Killian, her face turning red. “Excuse me?”

“You’re wrong. I don’t resent you. For any of it. You never forced the Darkness on me. It had been my choice. Just like it was Alice’s choice to leave with Gothel.” He let out a breath, preparing himself for what he was about to say. “But you are right about one thing. I haven’t really been considerate. I was selfish. Actually, no scratch that. I was a  _ coward _ . I was afraid of facing the Darkness and I did not think about how any of it would affect you and Alice. I- It was too much, all at once. It’s hard, even now. But I have you, now-”

“You had me then,” she bit out, glaring at him.

“Aye, love. You’re absolutely right. I was too blind, and I was scared. I let the Darkness steer the ship, but I’m in control now. Because of you, Emma. I know I have not given you much reason to trust me, but I hope you still have it in your heart to give me another chance.” He drew closer to her, and as much as Emma wanted to step back, she was frozen in her spot. He grabbed one of her hands, pressing her palm to his chest, right above his heart. “This will always be yours. There is no one else for me, Swan. I know you need time, I know I’ve hurt you. But I just need you to know I have  _ never _ stopped loving you. I made the mistake of leaving you, of burdening you with this Darkness as well. You had to raise our daughter alone, you had to deal with losing our child alone. I don’t know how, but I’ll do anything I can to right the wrongs I’ve done, Emma. But if you think for even a moment that I will stop fighting for us, you’re wrong.”

Emma could feel the depth of his regret and his love for her. Not for the first time, she cursed this connection she had to him. There had been a time where she wished she could read him, but being able to feel his strongest emotions was too much for her to handle. Especially now that he had his memories back. When they were seperated by realms, their connection was always there, like a stray thought on the back of her mind. But it was so potent now, it overwhelmed her. While the love he felt for her was akin to a pleasant sea breeze, his pain was like a giant wave threatening to drown her. 

“If you really want to make it up to me, I need you to take the dark magic you infused through mine,” she demanded. “It might have stopped me from aging, but it created a link between us. I can feel  _ everything _ you feel. I could sense you for all these years. I’m- I’m not strong enough to handle it anymore, Killian.”

And just as she revealed it, she felt a strong pulse of surprise, and even a hint of shame hit her; she knew it had to be his.

“I- I had no idea, Swan. I’m not sure how to do that,” he stuttered out, scratching behind his ear.

“Here, give me your hand.” She hovered the palm of her hand over his, but paused before she did anything. “It might be a bit jarring for you, to take the Darkness in. But I- I’m here,” she offered, her voice soft, sympathetic.

He nodded, bracing himself. But before anything could happen, a swirling vortex opened up behind them, and a young blonde woman stumbled through. She looked around frantically for a moment, before her gaze landed on them. Her lips spread into a huge, toothy grin, eyes shining with rapid tears.

“Mama!” The girl approached the duo.

Emma gasped, her eyes wide in disbelief. She could feel Killian’s confusion slip away into realisation. She heard him suck in a sharp breath, his words coming out in a broken whisper.

“Alice?”


	8. The way things change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely satisfied with this chapter, but you finally get some answers!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, you wonderful readers who have left kudos and kind comments. I hope this chapter answers some of your questions! I struggled a bit with this chapter, but I hope it reads better than I think it does.
> 
> Thanks to @sambethe for the amazing banner and the artworks she has made for Chapters 2 and 5. And thanks to @downeystarkjr for a great teaser and a beautiful video. Both these artists are supremely talented and managed to capture the essence of the fic and of the moments. 
> 
> Thanks to @accio-ambition for being my rock during a tough time, and being tough during my rocky, lethargic times. I couldn't have asked for a better beta for this fic, and for life.

_ _

_ Present day: Enchanted Forest _

Emma was the first one to react, rushing forward and throwing her arms around Alice, hugging her tight, her one hand cradling the back of Alice’s head. “Alice,” she whispered, unable to believe she was holding her daughter in her arms again.

“It’s me, Mama,” Alice whispered reassuringly. She allowed Emma to hold her a moment longer, knowing that the older woman needed it. Emma squeezed her once more before releasing her, her hand instead coming up to frame Alice’s face delicately.

“You have no idea how glad I am to see you.” Emma blinked away the tears gathering in her eyes, unable to believe Alice was with them. Alice smiled tightly, knowing that her being here was a double-edged sword.

She turned gaze to her father, who stood rooted in his place, his expression unreadable. Alice drew away from Emma, her smile tentative as she approached her father. She hardly noticed Emma moved away, a large grin on her face.

“Papa?” Alice’s tone was soft, but it seemed to pull Killian out of his daze. He blinked, swallowing thickly. She waited for him to move first, the anticipation heavy in the air between them.

-/-

_ Alice _ , he mouthed, unable to make a sound past the lump in his throat. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think - all he could do was stare at the young woman in front of him, his Starfish now so grown up. It tore at his heart that he hardly recognised her now. All he knew was his little pirate; he had missed out on her entire childhood and there was nothing he could do to change that now. He forced his legs to move, push him toward her. He was hesitant to reach out to her - she had been his world at one point, and now he was afraid to speak, lest he said the wrong thing. But before could make another move, Alice ran forward, almost stumbling into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging herself to him tightly, burying her face in his shoulder.

“ _ Papa _ ,” he hears her whimper, muffled by his jacket.

He breathed deep, bringing his trembling arms around her, tears welling in his eyes. “Alice,” he breathed out, finally. 

Alice fisted the back of his jacket, letting out a soft sob, which within seconds turned into a proper cry. Her shoulders shook with her sobs, the force of it making her hiccough violently. His parenting instincts seemed to kick in almost immediately on hearing her cry. Killian held her tighter, almost cradling her and rocking her slightly, whispering soothingly in her ear.

“Shh, Starfish. It’s alright, sweetheart. Let it out.” He pressed his cheek to the top her head, rubbing her back and allowing her to cry. He had left her for all these years, and it broke him to see her in such pain. He really had been a cowardly bastard.

He caught Emma looking at them as she stood away, her hands pressed to her lips and her eyes glassy. He held out his hand, beckoning her over; she did not wait for anything further, practically running over to him.

Nothing else mattered in that moment to him, not when he had his family together. Because despite the problems between Emma and him, despite his regret and shame, and despite all the years he had missed out on with his daughter - they were all together again.

And as it happened with most good moments in his life, this too did not last long.

-/-

Alice had finally managed to calm down, and Killian and Emma set up camp for the day. It was already nightfall and there was not much that they could do. Besides, they were finally reunited with Alice, and as much as it warmed Emma’s heart to see her daughter again and to see her and Killian interact, she knew that there was more to the story behind how Alice’s had come here. Emma knew that Gothel was not an easy foe to deal with.

Thankfully, Killian’s thoughts ran in the same direction. “How did you manage to evade Gothel, Starfish? Not that I am not happy about it.”

Alice finished swallowing her food, nodding at Killian. “Well, she had me trapped inside my head, in a Dreamscape. I first thought it was a curse, but it felt... _ different _ ? I was stuck in my own mind, and turns out I was the only one who had the power to break out of it. I had to harness my magic, and free myself.”

“How did you figure that?” Emma asked, frowning at Alice. Something did not feel right about this, it sounded almost too easy.

Alice turned to Emma, appearing surprised by her question. “What do you mean?”

“How did you break out of it?” Emma asked, a hint of challenge in her tone. There was definitely something amiss about Alice, Emma could feel it in her gut. She had known the girl for years, and never once had she shown even the slightest interest in magic. She had the ability, for certain, but she had never cultivated it. After a few years of trying to teach her about the magical arts, Emma had given up, allowing Alice to choose her own path in life.

That girl was too much like her father; if she was ever in a bind, she was more likely to take the pirate’s way out of a knot than a witch’s. Alice had never resorted to her magic; she had always associated it with the pain and misery it had caused her family. Which is why none of what she said made sense to Emma.

Something in Alice’s expression shifted, almost as if a veil fell away from her face, and Emma could finally see the real Alice. Alice’s eyes were pleading, almost afraid, and it seemed like she wanted to say something for a moment. But she squeezed her eyes shut, and just like that, the moment was over, and the veil was back. 

Emma felt her gut clench. It might be Alice’s body in front of her, but this was not her daughter.

-/-

_ 20 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

Emma and Killian had broken the news of her freedom together to Alice. She had been ecstatic, her tears of happiness about their engagement doubled over their reveal. She had literally jumped with joy, talking both Emma’s and Killian’s ears off with everything she wanted to do when she got out of her prison. They had indulged her, of course; but an hour past her bedtime was all Alice had been able to manage. All the excitement from the day had exhausted the poor child, and she had fallen asleep on Emma’s lap, her soft snores lulling the adults as well.

The next day, they embarked on their journey. Emma had remembered her parents telling her of a cave deep in the dwarves’ mines that had been converted to hold Rumplestiltskin. But in her reality, the Dark One had been released by Regina once she had begun her reign, but she had kept his Dagger to herself, knowing that was the only thing that could control him. Emma knew the kind of power the Dark One had, and a Dagger couldn’t control his manipulative nature. Emma had seen that first hand as he corrupted the Evil Queen with every passing day, encouraging her to ravage the land until there had been nothing left. Emma did not want that to happen to her family, but Killian had not changed his mind about approaching the Dark One.

Killian planned to sneak into Snow White’s castle to steal the Dagger from where it was kept, under the cover of the night. Emma had known the precise location of it, of course. But she had refused to go along with Killian - just the thought of it brought back too many memories of her few happy childhood moments before Regina had seized control. Of the years she had spent, a prisoner within the walls of that castle. She knew every nook and cranny of the castle and had never come across the Dagger. For years, her parents had kept it a secret, but when it had become evident that they would not survive their fight against Regina, they had told Emma alone of its whereabouts.

It had been a heavy burden for a child to carry, especially after she had been forced to witness her parents’ deaths. Her loss made her impulsive, and she found the Dagger, intent on using it to defeat Regina and bring her parents back. There had to be a way to bring them back, and she had to do everything she could. Unfortunately, Regina had found her before she could go through with it. That was the first time the Evil Queen had displayed her wrath on her reluctant ward. Emma had seen the way dark magic could corrupt people, and had vowed from that day forward never to allow her darker impulses to take over.

However, it did not stop her from catching a glimpse of the life she could have had using Killian’s telescope. They had to wait until nightfall, and it gave her plenty of time to take a gander of the grounds. Or so she told herself. But the moment her gaze landed on Prince David, her heart seized in her chest, her quick intake of breath alerting Killian.

She could hear him talking, but she could not bring herself to listen to him. Emma could not look away from the scene that had caught her eye. Her father - or the version of her father in this reality - was playing with a young blonde girl, who could be none other than the Emma from this reality. Emma recognised the girl as the one she had seen in mirrors when she was younger, even from such a great distance. He was leading the child around on a pony, and while she could not see the little girl’s face, she could see her father’s expression. He looked much younger in this reality, clean shaven and hair short, his laugh lines more pronounced. Nothing like what her father had looked like - what he never had a chance to look like. This Prince seemed to have a happy life with his daughter, no threat of the Evil Queen and no Darkness to haunt them. They had their happy ending. Emma’s felt the longing for that life viscerally - her heart racing painfully fast, her gut clenching tight and her eyes burning with tears.

She was drawn away from the view and her spiralling thoughts by Killian’s hand on her shoulder, his touch forcing her to face him. Emma almost screamed at him for ruining her only chance of seeing her parents again, but one look at the concern marring his handsome features was enough to give her pause.

“What is it?” he asked, gently cradling her face, wiping away her stray tears with his thumb. “Sweetheart?”

A sob wretched itself from her throat. Emma buried her face in his shoulder, trying to take deep breaths before she completely fell apart. She could have had this life - she could have been the one who got led around the training yard on a pony, she could have been the one to wear the pretty dresses. She could have been the one whose parents hadn’t been executed.

Killian for his part remained quiet, allowing her all the time she needed to pull herself together. Over the years, the pain of losing her parents had reduced to a dull throb in the center of her chest, but she could never prepare herself for the bad days. It could have been just the slightest thing that triggered a distant memory of her parents, but it had been enough to send her reeling. In the past year, she had managed to hide her pain. It had not been very difficult when she had a little angel like Alice to distract her. But she never expected to see any version of her parents in this reality; she had made sure she never came anywhere near the part of the realm they resided in. Until now, she had succeeded in that. She had an inkling that she might be reminded of her past, but she never thought she would be hit by a tidal wave of emotions.

“Talk to me, darling. Please?” Killian murmured at her ear, rubbing her back in slow motions.

Emma let out a deep, cleansing breath and pushed away from his shoulder. She smiled gratefully at him, reaching for his hand and squeezing tightly. “I was just overwhelmed, seeing my- seeing Prince David.”

Understanding dawned on Killian, his concern melting to something much tender. “I can’t imagine how that might feel, darling. I’m so sorry.”

Emma shook her head, her brows pulling together as she struggled to voice her thoughts. “I-I’m tired of living in the past, Killian. I’m ready for our future, for our children. I’m ready for  _ my _ happy beginning.” Her voice was firm, strong with conviction.

Killian smiled at her raising her hand and kissing her knuckles, right above where his ring rested. “Aye, I know what you mean.”

“Go get that dagger. We have a man to see about a spell.”

-/-

_ Present Day: Enchanted Forest _

Emma laid wide awake on her sleeping pallet, her back turned to Killian and Alice, pretending to sleep. They conversed in whispers, and while Emma couldn’t hear them, she knew they were probably catching up on lost time. She could not shake the feeling that something was wrong with Alice; unfortunately, she had not been able to get a moment alone with the girl. With father and daughter finally reunited, they were loathe to leave each other’s company. Well, Killian more than Alice, but Emma couldn’t blame him. The last time he had seen her, Alice had just turned six years old.

Emma’s worry kept her awake for a long while, but the exhaustion of the day coupled with the warmth from their bonfire and the soft cadence of Killian and Alice’s conversation lulled her to sleep.

It wasn’t until much later in the morning, when they had packed their things that Emma had a moment alone with Alice, with Killian off to a nearby spring to fill their canteen. She pulled the girl aside, both of them taking seat on a log.

“Is everything alright with you, darling?”

“Of course, Mama. Why do you ask?” 

Emma reached for Alice’s hands, clasping them in hers. “I just have this odd feeling. Like something might be bothering you. You would tell me, wouldn’t you?”

Alice’s expression hardened for a moment, and she squeezed Emma’s hand hard enough to alarm her. “Do you remember what happened with the White Rabbit, Mama?” Alice asked, head tilted meaningfully.

And Emma finally understood what was happening with her daughter. “His time ran out, did it not?” she replied, smirking slightly. 

‘The White Rabbit’ had been their signal to each other for years. They had spent a lazy, rainy day creating code words, after Alice had read a book on them. It had started out as a fun activity but served them greatly over the years. Alice had never had to use this particular one before, however.

‘The White Rabbit’ meant there was a heart missing.

Emma squeezed Alice back, with no other way to tell her she would do anything to get the girl’s heart back. “I know you can hear me, Gothel. You were after me before - so take me, and give me my daughter’s heart back,” Emma growled.

Alice’s eyes widened, her true self momentarily emerging. “Mama,  _ no _ . You don’t know what she’s got planned for you.”

Emma bit her lip softly, brushing Alice’s wayward curls from her face. She had always told the girl to pin her hair up, and brush out the tangles, and she never listened. “It doesn’t matter. You do.”

“Well, well. Isn’t that touching?” Gothel materialised from the woods, a sinister grin fixed on her face. “The bitch wants to save her pup, is that it?” 

Emma stood up, positioning herself in front of Alice protectively. “Stay the hell away from my daughter.”

“That’s rich!” Gothel cackled. “She’s not yours by blood, nor is she by marriage.”

“She is more of a mother than you ever were, you witch,” came a growling voice from behind Emma and Alice. Killian had returned from his trip to the spring.

“Captain,” Gothel greeted, her lips pursed as she turned her perverse gaze on Killian. “You still look very... _ spry _ .”

“What the hell are you doing here?” he snapped, stalking toward her, his magic sparking within him, ready to be unleashed.

Emma noticed the signs of it immediately, rushing to stand between them, her hands held in front of Killian to stop him, hoping that he would listen to reason.

“Get out of my way, Swan.” He glared at Gothel, his jaw clenched tight, almost shaking with his fury.

“No. She’s not here for a fight. Don’t give her one.”

Killian finally looked away from the witch, staring down at Emma. “What are you talking about?”

“I called her here.”

-/-

_ 20 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

It had been surprisingly easy for Killian to retrieve the Dark One’s dagger, thanks to Emma’s instructions. He thanked the Gods that nothing changed between the different realities when it came to such things; it baffled him sometimes, how he and Emma managed to meet despite time and space separating them. It was instances like this that made him believe in such a thing as True Love.

With the Dagger retrieved, Killian and Emma set off the following morning to the cave Rumpelstiltskin was trapped in. He followed Emma as she expertly navigated the terrain, leading them to the dwarves’ mine. It took them a while to distinguish which mine opening led to the cave.

“Are you certain this is where the Crocodile has been imprisoned?” Killian asked Emma in a whisper, crouching and walking inside a damp cave. “Maybe it was a different cave.”

“I remember well. My mother used to describe the shimmering in the walls of the mine - fairy dust. I can feel the light magic pulsing through here. It must help keep the Dark One subdued.” She pressed her hands to the walls, feeling the fairy dust react to her magic. But dark magic seemed to corrupt the magic around them, the intensity increasing the further they moved into the tunnel.  _ It must be the Dark One’s presence _ , Emma deduced.

“We are definitely in the right place,” Emma muttered, pushing through, despite feeling physically sick by the darkness that lingered in the cavern. Just as they were about to turn a corner, Emma stopped Killian with a hand in his chest.

“What is it?” 

“Promise me you will not use the Dagger unless you absolutely have to. It’s power that will corrupt you before you know it,” Emma warned.

Killian nodded, knowing that she was right. It made him have a bad taste in the back of his mouth, just thinking about it. They rounded the corner, simultaneously stopping dead in their tracks at the sight that greeted them - an empty cell, with no one in sight.

“Bloody hell,” Killian cursed, resisting the urge to punch something. Just when he thought matters couldn’t get worse, the Dagger in his hand vanished in a cloud of smoke, startling both Emma and Killian. “What the hell just happened?” Killian exclaimed, aggravated by the sudden turn of events.

Emma couldn’t believe her eyes. It was not easy to summon the Dark One’s Dagger like that, not without powerful magic. She looked around the cell, her eyes falling on a very interesting find. “I think I know,” she murmured,  reaching for the vines that grew around the cell walls, and hissing the moment her fingertips came in contact with them, her skin burnt at touch.

Killian’s head snapped to her direction, swiftly drawing his cutlass from its sheath. “What happened?”

Emma ignored him, hovering her hand above the vines, feeling the darkness settle and seep into the roots of the mine like some caustic substance, slowly eroding the light magic from the vines. Emma could  _ feel _ it spread, making her skin crawl. “Ugh, the cave reeks.”

“I don’t smell anything, love,” Killian commented, his nose angled upwards and sniffing.

Emma chuckled, shaking her head. “I simply meant there is strong dark magic presence in this space.”

“Must be the Crocodile.”

Emma hummed, but she had an uneasy feeling in her gut that she couldn’t name. Killian noticed her dazed expression, brows furrowing. “What are you thinking, love?”

“I’m not sure, but the magic here...it is almost familiar.”

“Familiar, how? As in you’ve encountered it before?”

Emma’s eyes lit up, her fingers snapping. She knew what it was! “The marker is the exact same one that surrounds Alice’s tower!” she exclaimed.

“I’m sorry, the what?”

“Everyone’s magic leaves a trace, or a marker, that is unique, whether it is light or dark magic. I’ve been feeling two very similar but separate traces here.” She spoke in a rush, happy about having a lead. They did not even have to use the Dagger. “There were two people here: Rumplestiltskin and Gothel.”

-/-

_ Present Day: Enchanted Forest. _

“You did  _ what?! _ ” Killian burst out, eyes almost bulging out of his head. Emma took a cautious step back, afraid that the Darkness would come out to play. But he seemed to have the reins over it - for now. “Why the fuck would you do that?” he yelled.

“Why, to make a trade, of course,” Gothel chimed in, as if she did not want to be left out. Not only did it anger Killian further, it irritated Emma as well.

“What is she talking about, Swan?”

“She has Alice’s heart, but-” she began, and she cut him off before he could react to that. She saw the terrified look on his face, and knew that he was thinking back to Milah’s demise. “ _ -but _ I made a deal. I go in Alice’s stead.”

Whatever Killian was about to say, none of it mattered. His jaw snapped shut, his eyes wide in horror. “Emma,  _ bloody hell.  _ Why would you do that?” he exhaled.

Emma knew it was rhetorical. He knew why, because he would have done the same thing. She watched Alice move closer to Killian, his arms going around his daughter the moment he felt her presence next to him.

Emma swallowed thickly, turning to Gothel, who did not try at all to hide her glee. “Life for a life, right? Give me Alice’s heart,” Emma demanded, holding out her hand.

Gothel obliged, the grin never leaving her face. “You know, contrary to what you lot may think, I do have a heart. I’ll let you have a moment to say goodbye.”

“What are you going to do to her?” Alice spoke up finally.

“Oh, that is none of your concern little one. Your  _ Mama _ has some information I need, that’s all,” Gothel replied arily, disappearing in the blink of an eye.

Emma had Alice’s heart nestled safely in her hand, and approached the girl, forcing a grin on her face. “What do I always say?” she asked.

“‘Make sure your heart is in the right place,’” Alice chuckled tearily. She braced herself when Emma thrust her heart into her chest. She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, adjusting to the feeling again.

“Yeah,” Emma chuckled as well. 

“Mama, don’t do this,” Alice whined, holding on to Emma’s hands. “Please.”

“Hush, darling. It’s alright. Just keep your eye on the mission, alright,” Emma whispered, holding Alice tightly. She bent, as if to kiss Alice’s cheek, but instead said in a rushed whisper, “ _ Get the Dagger from our friend, and go to Merlin. _ ”

Alice gulped, nodding. Emma pulled away from her, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead. “I’ll see you again.”

“I’ll see you again,” Alice echoed. Emma knew that despite the weight of the responsibility, Alice would make sure to keep on the right path and get rid of the Darkness.

Emma moved to Killian next, but he refused to look at her, turning away from her petulantly. She sighed, but she knew she had to say what needed to be said, in case...In case she did not survive Gothel.

“I know you’re upset, Killian. But you know that there was no choice.” She felt herself getting upset over his pettiness. “This might be the last time you see me, Killian,” she hissed, stepping up to him.

“Do not say that,” he snapped back, finally responding. “I’m going to come for you, you understand me, you bloody stubborn woman?”

“Aye, aye, C’ptn.” Emma smirked slightly. She grabbed him by the lapel of his jacket, pulling him just a bit closer. She stood on her toes, reaching up and brushing her lips softly against him in a barely-there kiss; but before she could pull away, he grabbed her by the waist, dragging her to him and closing the distance between them. He pressed his lips tight against hers, kissing her deeply, his hook resting on her back, as if trying to soak in as much of her as he could.

Emma was the one to pull away, still pressed closely to him and breathing quite heavily. “Was that a goodbye kiss?” she panted, her eyes remaining closed, revelling in the moment

“Nope. It’s just a reminder of what is waiting for you at home.” He looked awfully smug when she opened her eyes. “Come back to us, love.”

She stared at him and trying to memorise his features - every freckle, every shade of his bottomless, soulful eyes. She brushed her hand over his scruff, smiling at the roughness under her palm. “I love you, with all my heart.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. She held on to him for just a moment longer, before she let him go completely.

Alice rushed into her arms, hugging her once more. “Mama, this feels like goodbye,” the young woman cried, resting her chin on Emma’s shoulder. Emma swallowed thickly, tears welling in her eyes. 

“Shhh, darling. It will be alright.”

“How do you-”

“I know. I love you.” Emma squeezed her daughter tight, and prayed that this was not the last time.

“I love you, too, Mama.”

Emma smiled through her tears, drawing away from Alice and walking away from the Joneses, forcing herself to walk without looking back. A minute or so later, she was enveloped by gray smoke, transporting her right to Gothel.

-/-

_ 20 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

Emma was easily able to follow the traces of dark magic, Killian at her heels. She felt excitable, accomplished. Her magic was finally of some use. They did not have to go far; it became pretty clear where Rumplestiltskin and Gothel were, when they neared a large clearing where a ritual was being conducted.

Seven cloaked figures surrounded the Dark One in a circle, chanting unintelligibly. Emma knew most of the foreign languages used in spells and rituals, but this tongue seemed to be archaic. Emma and Killian skidded to a halt, staring wordlessly at the event unfolding in front of them.

“What the bloody hell is this?” Killian exclaimed, having to shout over the noise caused by the chanting.

Emma was lost herself, but their questions were answered soon enough when Rumplestiltskin fell to his knees and the Darkness shot out of him and into the sky. Emma gasp, horror struck - Gothel was trying to harness the Darkness, Emma was certain of it. She frantically searched, hoping to spot the person holding the Dagger. Whomever held it would have access to the Darkness. It took her a moment, but she finally spotted it, held aloft in the hands of a one of the cloaked figures. 

“There! Get the dagger!” Emma shouted at Killian, both of them charging at the person. However, when Emma reached the border of the clearing, she was forced back by powerful magic, but Killian had managed to get through.  _ Anti-magic boundary _ , she guessed. 

“I can’t cross over, Killian. You have to take the dagger away from them.”

-/-

Killian kept shifting his gaze between Emma and the Dagger. If he took it, he would not have the power to stop the Darkness. He would be consumed by it, and that was the last thing he wanted.

“Emma, I can’t do it without your magic. I will succumb to the Darkness,” he shouted back.

“We don’t have another choice! You have to do this!”

Killian hesitated but when Emma shouted again, urging him to grab the Dagger, he forced his legs forward. He ran as fast as he could, tackling the figure at full speed, grabbing the Dagger from their hand. The force of the tackle pushed the hood away from the person’s head, revealing Gothel’s enraged face. 

He stood up immediately, hoping to get the Dagger to Emma in time. But he hardly took a step forward before he was enveloped by the Darkness completely, swirling around him like a hurricane. He tried to resist it, but the Darkness was too strong. He let out a blood curdling scream, as the Darkness consumed him, invading every part of his body, mind, and soul.

-/-

Emma had been pushed back by the forced of the Darkness as it wrapped around Killian, and by the time she had gotten to her feet, she had been too late. All she could hear was the echoes of Killian’s scream, and then everything was suddenly still. Killian was nowhere to be seen, and every one except Emma had been knocked out cold. Emma walked slowly, her breath in her throat, and was glad that the barrier was now down. She ran to where Killian had been standing, falling to her knees when she saw what was left.

She picked up the dagger with a trembling hand, her heart stopping when she read the name carved into it:  _ Killian Jones _ .


	9. Don't bother writing (I'm gone)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ALL THE FLASHBACKS ARE DONE WITH THIS CHAPTER! This was originally much longer, but I then split it into two. So I hope you enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello! I almost forgot that today was Thursday - I started at a new job! Anyway, you don't care. Thank you for your continued interest in this fic. I love reading your comments - even if I haven't replied to them, PLEASE know that they mean the world to me. 
> 
> @sambethe was so great throughout. Thank you, for the banner and the artwork for chapter 2 and chapter 5. And for being a third set of eyes on this fic! @downeystarkjr I still can't get over how great your videos are, both the teaser and the longer one. Please go to their tumblrs and check it out!!!
> 
> Also, special mention to @peglegsjones whose portrayal of the Dark One in her fic Alone, until I get home inspired me and the way I chose to write the Darkness.
> 
> @accio-ambition, thank you for being so sweet and for finding the time to edit this despite how busy you were. Ily.
> 
> omg we're almost at the end!!!!

_ _

_ Present Day: Enchanted Forest _

“What did Emma tell you again?” Killian asked, taking leaping steps just to keep pace with his daughter’s rapid steps. 

“That the Dagger was with an old friend. There is only one person Mama would give it  to,” Alice replied, trying to hurry as much as she could. 

“Someone she trusted the most?” Killian guessed. But as far as he knew, Emma hardly trusted anybody, let alone enough to entrust his dagger to them.

“Nu-uh, that would be the first person anyone would torture. She gave it to Ariel, Queen of the Water Realms. She can travel between the realms anytime she wanted, and could make a quick getaway.”

Killian knew Ariel; they had been something like friends at some point, despite the animosity between pirates and mermaids. “Ah. She’s a nice lass. How are you going to contact her though?” he asked, his brows furrowed in confusion.

Alice huffed, stopping in her tracks, pulling a seashell necklace from around her neck. “Using this. I have already sent her message via shell. She should be waiting for us, we must hurry. Now, stop asking questions and follow me!”

Killian frowned, a reprimand ready on his tongue. But he realised with a pang that she was not a little girl anymore; she had been right to take that tone. Emma and Alice had a plan in place and he needed to respect that she knew what she was doing. They had only a small lead, with Gothel being occupied with Emma. She would come after them soon if she realised that they had the Dagger. So far, the only person Gothel thought knew about the Dagger was in her custody. And they had to maintain the ruse for as long as they could.

It took them a few hours, but Alice and Killian finally managed to break through the treeline and onto the short beach. Alice looked around frantically, vibrating on the spot like she was ready to explode. Killian might not know much about this version of his daughter, but her anxiety was not anything new.

“Starfish, Ariel will be here. It will be fine,” he said in a soothing, slow tone, grabbing Alice softly by the shoulders and making her look at him. “Deep breaths, sweetheart. That’s it, just concentrate on your breathing.” He did the breathing exercise along with her, until he felt she had calmed down enough.

Alice sighed, rubbing at her forehead. “Why would Mama do that?!” she exclaimed. “I never should have let her.”

Killian chuckled, despite the situation they were in. “Love, I’ve come to realise that once your mother has set her mind on something, it is neigh on impossible to change her mind. Besides, in her place, I would have done the same thing.” He let out a long breath, his hand and hook resting on his hips. “That does not mean I condone what she did.”

“That’s exactly what you did. Actually, what you did was a million times worse.” Alice’s tone might have been matter-of-fact, but her words hit him in the gut. He had had the chance to apologise to Emma, but he hardly even said goodbye to his little girl before he left her.

“Starfish, I’m so sorry. I-” But Alice held up her hand to half him mid-sentence. 

“It’s alright, Papa. I mean, it’s not  _ alright _ , but it is for now. We will have time for apologies and regret  _ after  _ we get rid of the Darkness and save Mama.” 

“That is exactly what your mother said.” He was in awe of the young woman in front of him, and he owed it all to Emma. She was the one who had raised Alice into a smart, brilliant young woman. He couldn’t have done a better job; there would always be a part of him that loathed himself for missing out on the chance to be a good father. And unwittingly, he had lost that chance again because of what had happened with Charles.

He was saved from the dark direction his thoughts were taking by Ariel’s timely arrival. His joy was short lived, though, because the moment he stepped closer to Ariel, the voices in his head grew louder, the Darkness calling out to him, telling him to take his Dagger and run away. To protect himself. He squeezed his eyes shut, staying rooted in place and watched as Alice greeted the mermaid and exchanged pleasantries that he was too far away to hear, and too consumed by the sudden urge to hunt Gothel down.

He lost track of how long he had stood in one place, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to block his ears against the assault of the Darkness. He realised that he had been in control for so long because the Dagger was in another realm. It was a hundred times harder now to quell the voices in his head. He was forced out of his catatonic state by Alice dumping a bucket of cold water over his head. He started at her, dripping with salt water as she stood above him, panting slightly and the now empty bucket still held aloft.

“Th-ank you,” he sputtered out, pushing his hair from his face, and standing up properly. “I apologise, Starfish. I don’t know what got over me.”

Alice nodded, dropping the bucket next to him and taking a seat. She patted the spot next to her, but he could still hear the dull echoes of the Dagger and chose to stand instead. “Was it the Darkness?” she asked softly.

He hesitated to answer her for a very long time, but finally relented, letting out a giant sigh. “Aye.”

“It’s the Dagger.” It was more of statement than a question, and Killian was unsure what he could reply to that. Alice nodded to herself, staring at the horizon for a long time, both of them in somewhat comfortable silence.

“D’you know I hate magic?” she asked, but he had a feeling it was rhetorical, and allowed her to talk. “I do. Magic is what trapped me in that tower, magic is what took you away from me. Magic is what caused Emma and I so much pain in our lives. I could never understand why Mama loved it so much, even after all that had happened. She even wanted me to learn, harness my own magic. But she always understood. She even stopped using magic for me. She’s- She my mother in every single way. Not just in the way that counts. I actively reject Gothel as my mother.” The last part was said with such vehemence, so completely different from the tone she had adopted for the rest that it startled Killian.

He finally took a seat next to Alice, while still maintaining enough distance from the Dagger. “Darling, I realise that I have not been the best father. I know that Emma has made sure that you do not have to suffer the same fate as we both did as children. You are right, she truly is your mother in every single way, and I have just treated her so terribly. I have treated you terribly. How do we get past that? I don't have the answer to that question, I don't have the answer to so many things. I just feel so lost, I feel so miserable and ashamed. So tell me, what do I do?”

Alice sighed heavily, resting her chin on her bent knees, and just stared at the horizon. Killian waited with bated breath for a moment, before deciding that he would not be getting a reply from her. But just as he was about to get up, Alice finally responded. “You don't do anything, Papa. You just need to give her time, give  _ me _ time, and be there for us. We will get past it because we are family, and family means we never stop trying.” She got up, giving him a hand and pulling him up, dusting the sand from her dress. Killian nodded at her, feeling a sense of calm wash over him. This might not have been forgiveness, but Alice’s words gave him hope. She hesitated, as if she was contemplating saying something. “I love you, Papa. Even when I feel like I should hate you. I love you, because you’re my Papa, and because you’re here now.”

Killian swallowed thickly at the lump in his throat, wordlessly accepting the olive branch she had offered. “Let’s go, love. We have quite the journey to Camelot.”

She reached into Emma’s satchel, retrieving a leather cuff from it and handing it to him.

“I don’t think that’s my style, Starfish,” he chuckled. Regardless, he took the cuff from her, examining it. As far as leather cuffs went, it was fairly routine, nothing that stood out to him about the craftsmanship or the quality.

“It suppresses magic,” Alice explained. “In case you lose control,” she added.

Killian’s jaw clenched, the Darkness in him hissing at her insinuation. It scared him, how quickly his darker impulses came to the fore. The fear of doing something to harm his daughter was enough for him to place the cuff on immediately. 

If Alice noticed the haste in which he put it on, she did not comment on it.

-/-

_ 20 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

Killian could feel every cell of his body corrupted by the black sludge of the Darkness, burning him from the inside out. All the pain and heartbreak that he had gone through amplified until his heart was nearly bursting from the agony, so much so that all he wanted to do was rip his heart from his chest and cut off his feelings all together. He felt unbelievably violated, the Darkness had taken over his body. He could feel the muck and grime settle in every crevice of his soul.

And when he emerged from his transformation, the Darkness had taken over so entirely - he felt born again, no longer restricted by the whims and restrictions of human existence. He felt the immensity of power at his disposal. He was  _ Captain Hook _ once again. His lips spread into a wild grin - he had a blonde beauty to thank for liberating him.

Little did he know that Killian Jones was trapped, but alive, under the layers of rotten, filthy darkness.

-/-

Emma teleported herself back to the tower, making both Smee and Alice jump in fright. She couldn’t blame them; she did practically stumble in like a deranged maniac, frantically yelling at Smee to “ _ Leave, now!” _ Alice backed away from Emma, her eyes wide and blue, fear crystal clear in them. Emma sucked in a deep breath, if only to not frighten Alice any more than she already had. 

She quickly relayed what had happened to Smee, promising to tell him the whole story after she had made sure Killian was fine. She hurriedly packed a sack for Alice, carelessly throwing together outfits for her. But she had not been fast enough. When she rounded the corner from Alice’s space into the main room, a silent and docile Alice in tow, Killian was waiting for them, leaning casually against the window ledge. He looked up at that exact moment, a predatory grin on his face as he stalked towards them

Emma stopped dead in her tracks, pushing Alice behind her, the only defense between the child and the Dark One. Because the thing in front of her now was not the man she loved. This was not Killian, and frankly, she was afraid to find out who he was.

Killian stopped just in front of her, his head tilted to the side in a disapproving manner, lips in a slight pout. 

“Tsk, tsk, tsk.” He crouched in front of Emma, his gaze shifting to Alice who was hiding behind her, her grip tightening on Emma’s trouser’s leg. “It’s me, Starfish,” he crooned, his predatory look shifting into something far more soft.

“Papa?” Alice sounded scared, tentative. Emma saw Killian’s jaw clench and he glared up at Emma, as if she was the one at fault for Alice fearing him. Emma met his gaze fearlessly.

He was the first one to look away, all of his attention focused on Alice. “Aye, my love. Are you ready to get out of here?” 

“Really?” the child asked, a slight edge to her tone, almost like she was afraid to be hopeful.

“Aye, Starfish. Papa found a way. Told you I would, didn’t I?” he grinned, reaching past Emma and taking a willing Alice into his arms, balancing her on his hip. He turned to Emma, his electric blue eyes fixed on hers.

“Are you afraid of me?” he asked in an unexpectedly soft tone.

Emma was afraid  _ for  _ him. She was scared about what the Darkness was doing to him, his mood all over the place, unreadable to her. But she did not fear him.  But she knew, she could bring her Killian back. She stepped forward, tentatively brushing her knuckles over his cheek, her magic sparking, triggered by the Darkness in him. He then closed his eyes at her soft touch, his entire countenance losing the air of a man with great power. When his eyes opened, they were back to the cerulean of Killian Jones. She smiled. 

“I could never be afraid of you. I’m afraid for you, my love,” she confessed, her eyes shifting to Alice, who had her head resting against her father’s shoulder, her thumb in her mouth. She only did that when she was most distressed.

-/-

Killian nodded in acceptance. He grabbed her hand, pressing a kiss to her knuckles, and pulled her closer, enveloping his girls in his arms. Once he was certain that they would be shielded properly, he expelled a blast of magic, strong enough to break any spell. He wanted to get the Dark One to free his daughter, and one way or another, that was what he did. The tower started disintegrating around them, and once he felt the spell keeping Alice trapped break, he magically transported all of them to a safer location.

His feet hit the ground hard, jostling the little girl in his arms, while Emma managed to land quite gracefully on her feet. Both the adults turned their gaze on Alice, who looked around her in awe. She was truly outside the tower for the very first time. She squirmed in Killian’s hold, forcing him to let her go. And he hesitated for just a moment, concerned about her exploring too far. But Alice remained by their side, walking around and touching each tree, plant, and rock, gasping each time. 

He had been enraged at Emma in the beginning; if it weren’t for her insistence that he grab the Dagger, he would have escaped this curse. But it was only  _ because _ of the Darkness that he had been able to save his daughter. That couldn’t have been a bad thing, could it? He watched with amusement as his daughter explored the area around her, keeping up a constant chatter.

He chanced a glance at Emma, who was standing on the other side of the clearing they were in, but she was already looking at him with a strange expression. But she smiled at him when she noticed him looking.  _ Odd, she looked almost contemplative. _

Emma walked up to him, her hands behind her back. “I have something for you.” She looked serious, confusing him further. 

“What is it, Swan?”

“Something that belongs to you,” She brought her hands forward, revealing the Dark One’s Dagger.

The Darkness flared up, screaming at him to possess it, to never let it out of his sight. With the Dagger in his hands, he could do anything he wanted. He reached for it, his hand trembling, but Emma stopped him just before he could touch it.

“Wait. Wait, we need to talk about this.”

“About what?” he growled, not able to take his eyes off of the Dagger.

“You seem different, Killian. You’re not you. Maybe I should just hold on to the Dagger for you,” she suggested. “I am just wo--”

Whatever the rest of her sentence was, Killian could not hear her over how loud the voice in his head was. 

_ How dare she _ ? The Darkness screamed inside his head.  _ It’s yours to take. She is trying to control you. Is that what you want? _

“Shut up! Just shut up.” He meant to snap at the voice in his head, but Emma jumped at his harsh tone, hurt flashing in her eyes.

“I-I’m sorry,” she whispered, dropping the Dagger and backing away. “I’m going to go, and um, find us some food.” Emma walked away from the clearing and toward the dirt road that led to the village. He watched as she glanced at Alice, hesitated, and then kept walking. His gut clenched: he scared her.

_ What if she was running away from him _ ? 

He took and Dagger and placed it in his jacket. He grabbed Alice, despite her protests against being dragged away from turtles, and followed after Emma. Alice continued to cry, beating on his back to let her down, but as much as it pained him, he needed to find Emma, and reassure her. It was just a misunderstanding; everything would be alright.

-/-

_ Present day: Enchanted Forest _

Emma struggled against the magical shackles Gothel had her bound in, but it was in vain. Her binds were too tight. Her wrists painfully rubbed against them when she tried to wriggle her hand out. 

“Why are you doing this? Why are you after me?” she spat out at Gothel.

Gothel ignored her, rummaging through the myriad of bottles on the table opposite, her back turned to Emma. A couple of moments passed and Emma started to sweat in the humid room. Gothel had restrained her in the woods and used magic to transport them both. The place resembled the mines, except instead of stone, the walls were made of soil. So it was damp, but still very hot.

Gothel let out a triumphant shout, finally having found what she had been looking for. She moved to face Emma, dangling a small vial at her. “Do you recognise this?” 

“Should I?” Emma sassed, glaring at the witch.

“It’s something I made, just for you. It’s mostly sulphur.”

“Aw, you shouldn’t have.”

Gothel ignored Emma’s cheekiness. “Actually, I did use it on you once. Do you remember that?”

Emma glared at her, her heart raced simply remembering the pain Gothel’s poison had caused. But Gothel continued, observing Emma with curiosity. “It was meant to corrupt you; that was what the sulphur was meant for. It  _ destroys _ light magic from within. You should have never been able to survive that.” She crouched in front of Emma, her head tilted to one side, her cold eyes staring at her unblinkingly, unnerving her. “I wondered, how you managed to stay so young over the years. I always assumed you used a glamour spell or a potion. It was only when I realised that my potion did not work that I started understanding what was  _ really _ going on.”

Gothel smirked at her. Emma knew her panic was clear by her expression. “You have a part of the Darkness in you, Princess,” Gothel whispered gleefully. “My dark magic is no match for that, I know that now. I’m sure you’re suffering enough as it is. You wouldn’t survive losing your magic - you can’t live without it and you can’t live with it.”

Emma couldn’t understand how the witch had figured out her secret. She had been so certain that no one knew about it - not even Alice. It had taken a couple of years for Emma herself to even realise and understand. When Killian had linked the two of them together, some of the Darkness from him transferred to her. Emma assumed that the dark magic she had been sensing had been through the link belonged to Killian. But it was the dark magic in her own veins. Her magic was corrupted, both light and dark a part of each other. It had only become worse over the past 20 years. 

Emma had not revealed this part of the plan to Killian for this reason - once they destroyed the Darkness, it would destroy her magic as well. It had been made pretty clear what would happen to her without her magic. She couldn’t bring herself to tell her daughter and her love that she would not survive this. That there was no happily ever after for her.

-/-

_ 20 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

Emma heard Alice’s cries before she heard Killian calling her name. She whirled around, startled to see the latter run up to her, holding a crying Alice in his arms.

“Swan,” he breathed, stopping a few feet away from her.

“What’s wrong with Alice?” she asked, stepping forward and taking the crying child into her arms, rubbing her hand over Alice’s back to comfort her. Alice wrapped her arms tightly around Emma’s neck, her cries muffled on Emma’s shoulder.

Killian looked helpless, like he was on the verge of crying himself. He sank to the ground, sitting slumped against a tree, running his hands through his hair, pulling at it painfully. It hurt Emma to see him in such a condition, but she was clueless to help him.

“I think I frightened her. I just- I needed to come after you. I needed to stop you, Swan,” he said after a long while, desperation dripping from his voice.

Alice’s cries had died down by then, and she had drifted off, slumped against Emma. She did not blame her; Alice had had a very eventful evening and it must have been too frightening and confusing for a six-year-old to handle, no matter how intuitive she was.

“Stop me from what, Killian?” Emma snapped, her voice coming out in harsh whisper. “You yelled at me to ‘Shut up.’ I thought you needed a moment to calm yourself.”

“I do not need to calm myself. I’m fine,” he bit out through clenched teeth.

“No, you are not. This is not who you are - flying tempers, making Alice cry? That is the Darkness. You are losing control. We need to get rid of it.”

He rose up, his eyes narrowed, and he looked at Emma contemplatively. “Oh, is that why you held on to my dagger? So you can ensure I don’t ‘ _ lose control _ ?’ You want to control me, is that it?”

“Of course not!” Emma protested. She switched Alice to her hip, leaving one hand free. She did not want to, but if it came down to it, she had to protect herself and Alice against the Darkness. Even if it meant she had to harm him. “Killian, this is not you.”

“No, Emma. This is better,” he argued, keeping his voice down. Emma was relieved that he did not wake Alice up: she did not want the little girl to see her father this way. “I was finally able to get my daughter out of that hell. The only way I was able to do that was with magic.  _ My  _ magic. Not yours.”

Emma reeled at that, feeling like she had been slapped. “I offered to use my magic. I would have done anything for Alice, you know that!”

But Killian ignored her, powering through his own speech. “You told me to grab the Dagger, Swan. You forced this on me, and now that I actually seem to like it, you just can’t handle it.” He wagged a finger at her, grinning like a maniac. “That’s it, isn’t it,  _ love _ ? You can’t handle the fact that I’m stronger than you. That I don’t need your magic.”

Emma bit her lip, her heart clenching at his accusations, trying to convince herself that it was the Darkness making him say these things. He wanted to hurt her, but she couldn’t give him that satisfaction.

“You and I both know that that’s not true. We are a family. It doesn’t matter who is more powerful.”

“Ah, see, that’s where you’re wrong, Swan. All this time, you had me convinced that I needed you, that I needed your magic to save my daughter, when in fact, I didn’t need you at all. Maybe you knew all along what needed to be done. You were just afraid that you would be left alone again, forever the orphan Princess.”

Tears came unbidden to Emma, every word coming out of Killian’s mouth hitting the mark. She pulled Alice closer, drawing comfort from her daughter.

“That is  _ not _ fair. You’re not thinking straight,” she said quietly. Whether she was trying to convince Killian or herself, she wasn’t sure. Her hand trembled as she reached for his, the dark magic sizzling under his fingertips. “This is not you. This is not the man I love.”

“Perhaps the man you love is no more,” he whispered, his eyes looking away from her, unable to meet her gaze.

Emma was rendered speechless. She was not sure what she could possibly do to bring  _ her _ Killian back to her. 

“I refuse to believe that,” she said with conviction, drawing his attention back to her. “I love you, Killian Jones. Whether the Darkness likes it or not, I am not leaving.” She grew more confident when he seemed to listen, drawing closer to him, her hand drawing up his arm and resting against his chest. “I know your heart, I know you’re still there. Push the voices away. It’s just the three of us here - you, me, and Alice.”

Killian let out a deep breath, stepping away from her, Emma’s hand dropping. “I don’t know what’s happening, Swan,” he confessed, biting down hard at his lip. He squeezed his eyes shut, massaging his forehead.

Emma looked on, worried and helpless, wondering what she could possibly do to help her fiancé. “Talk to me, tell me what is going on inside your head. Lean on me.”

Killian nodded, pulling her closer. He hesitated, before holding his arms out to take his daughter, and letting out a relieved breath when Emma handed her over. He held Alice close, centering himself.

“I apologise for the things I said to you, Emma. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

Emma nodded, wordlessly accepting his apology. But she had to know. ”Did you  _ mean _ any of it? Do you really think- do you think that I kept things from you? That I  _ tricked _ you into falling in love with me?” Her questions slipped out one after another, her insecurity rearing its ugly head.

Killian immediately pulled back, his hook resting on her waist. “No, absolutely not! I was- They were senseless words said in spite, my love. I was being an arse, and I’m sorry.” A beat later, he added, “I never meant for those words to come out, Emma. It- I was just so angry, I was hurt. And in that moment, I wanted to hurt you, like you hurt me.”

Emma swallowed thickly, not allowing him to notice the fear she felt building inside, painting a smile on her face instead. “It was the Darkness, Killian. It wasn’t you. I’ve seen this before, I’ve seen the way it corrupts and destroys. We need to get rid of it, once and for all.”

-/-

_ Present day: Camelot _

It had taken Killian and Alice a week to reach Camelot by foot. He couldn’t use his magic, and Alice had never tried using hers. While it had given them plenty of time to talk and for Killian to get to know his daughter again, each day was agonising as they both feared for Emma’s life. Neither of them could understand why Gothel would want Emma, but the longer it took them to get rid of the Darkness, the worse their imaginations became. It had come to a point where neither of them spoke about what was happening to Emma; once again, she had sacrificed herself for Killian and Alice. Talking about it did nothing to relieve their guilt.

“Have you met this Merlin fellow before?” Killian asked, turning to Alice.

“Well, sort of. A very long time ago, we heard a rumour of an ancient sorcerer who could destroy the Darkness. But after a couple of months of research, we grew tired. It had been ten years at that point, I think, since you had been gone. It was a difficult year, for Mama. I was a hellion during my late adolescence,” Alice said, making Killian chuckle.

Another good thing about the time he had spent with Alice? He was slowly beginning to let go of his guilt and enjoy learning new tidbits of information about his daughter’s life.

“I’m sure if anyone could have handled it, Emma could have.”

“You’re not wrong. But that did deter her from looking for a way to get rid of the Darkness. Perhaps, if we had kept looking, we could have been reunited sooner.” Alice shot him a tight smile, before looking down, remorseful.

Killian couldn’t have his daughter blaming herself in any way. He stopped her, grasping her shoulders with hand and hook, waiting patiently for her to meet his eye. “Listen to me, Starfish. You have nothing to feel upset about. Things happened the way they were bound to happen. Emma made a decision to be a mother first. If I were in her place, I would have done the same thing.”

Alice shook her head, pushing Killian away, her arms crossed petulantly. “This is all my fault. This started because you wanted to rescue me from that tower. Maybe I was better off-”

“No!” Killian snapped, making Alice jump. He wouldn’t blame her; even when she had been a child, he had never raised his voice at her, let alone as an adult. “You need to stop blaming yourself. That is far too heavy a burden to carry on your shoulders, love. Gothel trapped you in that tower, and nothing you could have said or done would have stopped either me or Emma from saving you. You’re our daughter - and that is what you do for your family, Alice. So, don’t you  _ dare _ think we would be better off. You saved me from a life of a pointless pursuit for revenge, you were there for Emma all those years I was gone. I probably never would have met Emma if it weren’t for you. I owe everything to you, my darling.” He smiled, drawing her into his arms, pressing a soft kiss to the side of her head. “Enough with such talk. Let us get to Merlin.”

Another fifteen minutes of walking led father and daughter to a dilapidated bridge, both of them looking around concerned and confused. The more they ventured into Camelot, the more they were starting to realise that there was no one there; everything in Camelot seemed to be broken down, vines and shrubbery overgrown on the buildings. Everything looked abandoned, not like the thriving city Killian had come to expect.

“Are you sure this is the right place, Starfish?” Killian asked, helping her over a large, fallen pillar.

“Aye,” she said, jumping to the ground with a grunt. “At least, I think so. This is Camelot.”

“And this is where Merlin is supposed to be?” Killian asked with a scoff. “It looks like he hasn’t been here for a  _ while _ .”

“Looks can be deceptive, Captain Jones,” a man’s voice spoke from behind them.

Killian and Alice whirled around, both of them drawing their cutlasses out and pointed them at the man’s throat. He seemed oddly calm, smiling at them despite the threat. Killian regarded him curiously: he was dressed in brown and gold robes, his arms at his sides and looking at them pleasantly, as if his life wasn’t being threatened. Killian could only think of one person who could be that brave.

“Merlin,” he declared, his sword still held pointed at the wizard.

“Indeed. Now, if you could be so kind as to lower your weapons…”

Killian and Alice complied, sheathing their weapons. But Killian couldn’t shake the wariness he felt. “What did you mean, ‘looks can be deceptive?’” Killian’s eyebrow raised questioningly at the wizard.

If possible, Merlin’s grin grew wider and he waved his hand. Killian and Alice gasped at their surroundings melted away like candle wax, the decrepit area replaced by a thriving town square, people milling around them, vendors selling their wares.

Killian and Alice gaped as they saw all the people - Killian could not wrap his head around the display of magic. Just a moment ago, the place had been completely empty and neglected. 

“Just a simple glamour to keep out unsavory characters,” Merlin assured, his hands clasped in front of him. “Queen Guinevere had it put up when she formed the kingdom with Ser Lancelot,” he informed them.

Killian was taken aback; all the stories that he had heard in the Land without Magic, King Arthur was the ruler of Camelot, and Lancelot was just a knight. “What about King Arthur?”

Merlin sighed, shaking his head. “Arthur...Well, he was nothing but a disappointment. Thankfully, our queen recognised it and made sure the people did not suffer from his obsession and neglect.” He clapped his hands together, making father and daughter stare at one another doubtfully. “However, you are here for a different reason, aren’t you?” 

Killian shared a look with Alice before he stepped forward. “Perhaps there is somewhere else for us to speak, mate? Somewhere private, maybe?”

-/-

_ Present: Enchanted Forest _

Emma let out an agonising scream, straining heavily in her bonds, as Gothel’s newest creation wreaked havoc on her. The witch had been torturing Emma for the past week, injecting her with different concoctions, exploiting the Darkness in her to make her weaker. For so long, she had been able to manage having the Darkness be a part of her, had resisted using her magic for this very reason. Every time she had used her magic, it had been painful. It had taken her a year or two to get used to the Darkness and to train herself to draw from the light magic only. It had been fairly easy, there was hardly any dark magic in her. But she had not accounted for the Darkness to draw power from the light magic, never accounted for its growth.

The more the Darkness grew in her, the weaker she had become. She hadn’t noticed it all until a year ago when she had found Merlin. He had noticed the growing Darkness in her, he had been the one to tell her of her fate; he had also told her that there was no way for them to separate the dark and light magic in her. They exist as one and would be destroyed as one.  _ Perhaps, if you had come to me sooner, _ he had said. He had been the one to tell her Killian would be the only other person who would be able to remove just the Darkness. It had originally been a part of him, and would thus go back to him, leaving her light magic behind. Theoretically, that would be the outcome. She had almost tested that theory out, before Alice had come back.

Unfortunately for Emma, Gothel had learnt her secret as well. She had been injecting Emma with different potions to activate the Darkness in her. The weaker Emma grew, the less resistant she could be to Gothel’s magic. She intended to get Emma as weak as she possibly could, before Gothel forced Emma to reveal the plan to get rid of the Darkness.

For the past week, Emma had been confident that she would be able to make it. Until today, Emma could feel the Darkness take root. She could feel the pain in every cell of her body, as if she was burning from within. It was unbearable, and Emma couldn’t help but cry out. She had almost given up, almost begged Gothel to make it stop - but she refused to give the witch that satisfaction. She was stronger than that - she was the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming. Her parents had faced death with dignity; they might have been defeated, but they had their integrity. If Emma had to die, she would prefer to have her integrity intact. It was all she had left of her parents.

“My, my, aren’t you the stubborn one,” Gothel spat, wrapping her hand around Emma’s throat and squeezing. “But you are so weak now,  _ Emma _ . You’re no match for my magic.”

“Do whatever the hell you want. You can never stop the Darkness from being destroyed.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, my dear. You’re going to tell me exactly what your plan is, and I’m going to make certain you lot  _ rue the day  _ you met me.”

-/-

_ 20 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

Killian and Emma had managed to set up camp at a riverbed. He caught them some fish, despite not feeling hungry, and Emma built a fire. Alice, now awake, watched everything they did with rapt attention, and she even helped Killian catch fish, jumping with joy when she first felt the water lapping at her feet, the smaller fish tickling her as they swam past. Killian silently enjoyed her carefreeness, her heart soaring at her happiness. This was all he wanted for her - but he had never anticipated the price would have been so steep. He knew what needed to be done, now. He had no control over this Darkness. He was weak, he had succumbed to it before in the past, and he had let it take over today. He could not imagine what would happen when he was not strong enough to pull back. He had seen the way it had wrecked Baelfire’s family, seen what the Darkness had turned Rumplestiltskin into.

He did not want that for his family. He pulled out the magic bean he had been carrying with him for centuries, having stolen it from Pan on his very last visit to Neverland. He had held on to it in hopes that he would use it once he had freed Alice. But he needed to get away from here, where the temptation was always there. Nothing would be able to stop him from sinking, not even his family.

He had heard of the Land without Magic from Baelfire; he would use the bean to go there. He would make sure he did not have his memories, that he would have nothing that would bring him back here. Not until Emma had found a cure to this plague. She would understand his reasons, she had to. Killian could not handle being here, he did not want to fight against the Darkness for a second longer than he had to. And if he went to the Land without Magic, he wouldn’t have to.

Once the fish was caught, cooked, and consumed, Alice promptly fell asleep again.  _ That was good _ , he decided. He would not be able to tell Alice goodbye; he couldn’t watch her cry again. He had hurt her enough.

“Killian?” Emma called out, pulling him away from his thoughts. “Is everything alright? Is it- is the Darkness speaking to you again?” she asked, worry evident in her tone.

He smiled at her half-heartedly, grabbing her right hand in his own, fiddling with the green stone ring on her finger. He remembered the night she had told him the story about it, about how her mother had stolen the ring from her father, and how Prince David found Snow White, and how they fell in love. He wanted something like that for them. He wanted True Love. He wanted to believe that they would find each other again, no matter how long it took. 

“No, darling. Just my own thoughts that are keeping me awake.”

“Do you want to talk about it? After all, aren’t married people supposed to share their burdens?” Emma teased, smiling coyly at him.

“Oh, Swan,” he said, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, pulling her to him. Emma snuggled into his body, pressing her nose to his neck, exhaling softly. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you, too, Jones.”

He closed his eyes, revelling in the moment, burning it to his memory. He needed just a moment, where everything was alright. He had finally managed to free his child, and he was engaged to the woman he loved. If it weren’t for the Darkness, this would be the best moment of his life; he wanted to pretend that it was. Just for a moment.

So he did, but he pulled away the next. “I need to talk to you, Emma.”

Emma pursed her lips, staring at him seriously. “Why do I get the feeling that I won’t like what you are about to say?”

“Oh, you will most surely hate it. But I-”

“Don’t say it,” she cut him off. “Don’t do it. Whatever you are thinking of - don’t.”

He sighed deeply, reaching for her hand, but she pulled away. She eyed him warily, her arms wrapped around herself protectively. “You don’t get to hold my hand and break my heart, Killian.”

“Dammit, Emma. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m doing this  _ for _ you,” Killian snapped, standing up and starting to pace. “I need to leave, get far away from here. I am not strong enough to control this. I will descend much deeper into the Darkness, and I cannot come out of it. I will hurt you and Alice. I don’t want that.”

“What about what we want?” Emma whispered, eerily calm. “What about what  _ I _ want? I want you to stay, and fight this. You have us, lean on us.” She stood up too, her eyes glassy with tears, her teeth biting the inside of her cheek.

“I can’t, Emma.  _ Please,  _ don’t make me. I can’t fight. I will fail, and I don’t want that. I don’t want this Darkness. I never should have taken the Dagger.” Killian could hear the desperation in his own voice.

Emma let out a long, shuddering breath. “What do you want to do?” she asked, after a long silence.

And so he told her, every detail of his plan laid out in front of Emma. He could practically see how every word out of his mouth broke her heart a little bit more. But she let him talk and listened attentively. She didn’t say a word, not until he was done.

“You’ll be in this Land without Magic, and you will not have any of your memories, is that right?” she asked softly, her eyes trained on the ground. 

He waited a beat, hoping she would look up at him. But when it became evident that she wouldn’t, he replied with a simple ‘Aye.’

She took in a deep breath, and exhaled slowly, nodding to herself. She finally looked him in the eye, her gaze sharp and determined, every bit the stubborn, strong woman he had fallen in love with. “I will get the answer to this dilemma, and I will come for you. I will find you.” Her words were confident and firm. Before he could thank her, however, she cut him off. “Do not think for one moment that this doesn’t break my heart.”

He swallowed thickly, knowing that there was only one thing left to you. “I need to leave now. Before Alice wakes up.”

Emma’s brows pulled together, and he could sense her anger. “You’re not even going to tell your daughter goodbye?” she demanded.

“I can’t do it, Emma. She will be devastated, she will make me stay. I can’t allow that to happen.”

She stared at him quietly, her rage radiating off of her in waves, her eyes wide and nostrils flaring. “You are a coward, Killian Jones,” she declared.

He hung his head in shame, moving toward his sleeping daughter, kneeling beside her. His throat was thick with tears, his heart hurt simply thinking about leaving her. He had never been so far from her - now, not only would he be in another realm, he would have no memory of her. It was for the best, though. It had be. 

He squeezed his eyes shut, brushing Alice’s hair away from her forehead, pressing the lightest of kisses there, lingering for a moment before he pulled away. He took her in for a moment, knowing that he would miss watching her grow up.  _ Just a few years _ , he told himself.  _ You will see her in a few years _ .

“You don’t have to leave, Killian.” Emma’s soft voice floated through the air. “You could stay.”

Killian got up, taking one last look at his daughter before he turned to Emma. “Have you come up with a way to replace my memories in the Land without Magic?” he asked her, ignoring her statements.

She sighed, clearly still angry with him, but nodded. “I can modify your existing memories, I can store the real ones in a Dreamcatcher.”

“Let us do this, then.” 

-/-

_Present:_ _Camelot_

“This is yours?” Killian asked, tracing the hilt of Excalibur, Merlin’s name etched on the blade. It looked just like the Dark One’s dagger, only much longer and with an end missing. But Merlin explained that as well - how he had forged Excalibur, how the sword was broken by the first Dark One, how the Dark One had murdered his love, Nimue. How he tethered the Darkness to the Dagger. 

The Darkness hissed at that, screaming at Killian to destroy the wizard and ravage Camelot, to let it free. He was thankful for the cuff preventing him from doing any magic, because he was certain he would have given in. He could hear the whispers from the Dagger, driving him insane. 

“Yes,” Merlin answered. “Now you know everything you need to. We need to hurry, rid the world of this Darkness. Once and for all.”

“What about Gothel?” Alice asked. “What if she decides to stop us?”

“She will need to go through me, then,” Killian piped up, his jaw clenched tight. “Where do we need to go to find this Promethean flame?” he asked, addressing Merlin. 

“It’s not too far, but I need to warn you. This is your battle, Killian. The Darkness will try everything to convince you not to do this. You will either win, or it will take over you, forever. There can be no cuff stopping you from using your magic,” Merlin warned. “This is ancient magic, more powerful than you could ever imagine. You did not have to face its true extent for decades, if what you say is true.”

“Aye, I understand.” Killian had made up his mind - after everything his daughter and Emma had sacrificed for him, he needed to step up. He had to face everything he had run away from, and he needed to start with the Darkness.

“Papa, perhaps we should talk about this?” Alice suggested, looking vexed at the task ahead of them. “Couldn’t I do this?” she asked Merlin.

“No, Starfish. It is my turn to take care of you now. I need to face my demons. And I will,” Killian vowed. He turned to Merlin. “Tell me everything I need to do, and I will do it.”

-/-

_ Present Day: Enchanted Forest _

Emma panted heavily, her wrists sore from the constant friction against the shackles, feeling weak and useless as Gothel used her vile magic to delve into her mind. It was the worst torment, feeling a strange presence in her mind, moving through her thoughts and memories, invading her. It was a great violation, one that left her sick to her stomach. No matter how much she tried to resist, Gothel’s magic was stronger than Emma’s. 

If there was any light magic left in her, it was hindered by the shackles she wore or was buried deep under layers of dark magic. Emma wanted to cry; her light magic had been the only constant in her life, and for it to be violated and corrupted, hurt in innumerable ways. She had never thought there could exist a person so cruel, a person who understood how precious natural magic was and could still inflict such horrors on another, like Gothel was.

She had tried so hard, for so long, to fight. But she had lost all ability to - and if she was being honest with herself, all will to. Emma was tired of being strong. She had finally been broken, and she did not have the fight left in her. She knew that was what Gothel wanted, and she had tried so hard not to give the witch that satisfaction - but she couldn’t hold on anymore.

Emma closed her eyes, tears running down the corners of her eyes, and she gave complete control of herself to Gothel. The Darkness had won.

-/-

_ 20 years ago: Enchanted Forest _

Emma gave the Dreamcatcher to Killian, not able to bring herself to take his memories. He understood, knowing that what he had already asked of her was a great enough price. She could not believe what Killian was about to do. She was certain that it was the Darkness in him that had made him so paranoid and so selfish. She would have fought him on his decision, if she had been talking to Killian alone. But the Darkness was unpredictable, and she could understand Killian’s fear. She might not support his decision, but she could at least understand where he came from.

She stood to the side, as she watched him perform the spell to transfer his memories on to the Dreamcatcher once he had crossover to the other realm. She still had him here with her, for a few moments at least. She fiddled with her mother’s ring for a moment before she took it off all together. Emma approached Killian, both of them smiling shakily at each other.

“My pirate,” she whispered fondly, looking up at him, her eyes roaming over every inch of his face, etching him into her memory. “It’s almost time, isn’t it?”

“Aye. Emma. I am sorry, love.” He brushed his knuckles down her cheek softly, looking at her with a kind of broken tenderness that made her gut clench.

She pressed her mother’s ring in his palm, shocking him. He stared at her, his lips moving wordlessly. “I just thought - Well, you gave me a ring. It felt right, to give you my mother’s. It’s a promise, I guess. And- We never got to the wedding, technically, and I expect that once you come back. But until then….” She trailed off, closing his fingers around the ring.

“Until then,” he vowed, softly, but with great conviction.

She nodded, swallowing hard at the lump in her throat. It was useless, though, as tears welled heavy in her eyes. She clutched the lapel of his greatcoat tightly, pulling him down to her. She pressed their lips together, kissing him with everything she had, wet and desperate, their breaths mingling every time they pulled back for air. She was loathe to end it, biting down on his lip. Killian was the one to pull away, his hand on her shoulder, both of them breathing heavily. 

He pulled the Dagger from inside his jacket, handing it to Emma with a trembling hand. “Hold on to this for me, aye?”

Emma took the Dagger with both hands, her thumb tracing his name etched in the metal. “There’s still time to change your mind.”

“Swan.”

“I know...I - I don’t know how long it will be until I see you again. What if I never find a way to save you? You’re immortal, I am not.”

Killian nodded, his eyes serious and unwavering. “I know, love. And I think I know a way to prevent that.”

“What?” she asked, curious. He hesitated, looking at her with a strange, apologetic look in his eyes. “What is it?” she demanded, pulling away from him completely.

“I’m sorry, Emma. I couldn’t think of another way,” he said, sounding helpless.

“What do you-”

But before she could finish the sentence, he released a burst of magic her way. Emma gasped, feeling the Darkness hit her, the force of it sending her flying. She felt her magic flare up to fight against the invading power, the heavy, foul magic pushing its way through. Emma could feel it flow through her veins, her entire body unbearably hot. She could hardly move, laying slumped against a tree. 

Emma gaped at Killian, the betrayal causing bile to rise in her throat, tears of anger threatening to fall. He looked remorsefully at her, his heartbreak apparent on his features.

“I am so sorry, Swan,” he called out. He threw the bean to the ground, the portal opening up immediately. “I love you. This was the only way I could make sure we see other again.”

Emma choked on a sob, feeling breathless and crippled, watching as Killian walked through the portal, leaving her with a gaping hole in her chest, and whatever spell he hit her with, destroying both her heart and soul, in one fell swoop.


	10. I won't say I love you (It's too late)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're finally almost at the end. A lot of loose ends tied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can barely speak - and it has only 50% to do with the fact that I have a throat infection. The second-to-last chapter, wow. Thank you for all the love. I never thought this fic would have any impact, so any at all - no matter, little or lot - means so much to me. I made the right decision to join @captainswanbigbang this year lol
> 
> Thank you, @sambethe for bringing to life some of the most iconic scenes from Chapter 2 and Chapter 5, and for making this banner. Thank you, @downeystarkjr for telling a story with your video 1 and 2. You guys turned my words into something more tangible and it makes me cry!
> 
> Thank you @accio-ambition for sticking through this hell of angst.

_ _

_ Present Day: Camelot _

Killian and Merlin were trekking ahead while Alice trailed behind them, lost in thought. She had been pondering about her magic a lot the past week. For all these years, she had relied on Emma and her magic to get her out of any problem they were in. Emma had been the one to handle the mess; she had been the one to take the lead and make sure Alice focused solely on staying alive. Alice had come to depend on her Mama, but right now, she was certain she would have to step up. She had been repressing her magic for years, and with good reason. But with Emma gone, she had to make sure her father had someone to assist him. As much as she believed Merlin would help them get rid of the Darkness, she wasn’t so sure that he was as invested in keeping them safe as Emma would have been. Alice had to step up,  _ somehow _ . 

That was why the past week she had been trying to access her magic. Emma had once told her that magic was a part of Alice, and that she had to channel it right. She’d told Alice that magic was emotion. 

Alice had tried to remember everything that her mother had taught her, but it proved to be far more difficult than she had anticipated. She only hoped that Merlin’s magic would be enough - that he would be of some actual assistance when it came down to it. She was brought out of her musings by Merlin’s pointing out their destination.

“Just up ahead, that is where we need to go.” The wizard pointed, but all Alice could see were crumbling structures, with what looked like a pedestal with a giant plate on it. No flame.

“ _ This  _ is what we came for? A big, empty plate?” She raised her brow at Merlin, her hands resting on her hips. “I thought you said we would find the Promethean flame here?”

Merlin nodded with an uneasy expression. “I did say that. And you will find it here.” He turned to Killian. “It’s time for you to do your part, Captain.”

“Which is what, exactly?” Killian demanded, regarding the wizard warily. “You have been quite vague, mate. You said we need to come to this... _ what is this place _ ? You said that the Promethean flame would be here.”

“And it  _ is _ ,” Merlin insisted. “I’ll need the Dagger, Alice. And I’ll need for you take that cuff off, Captain.”

-/-

Killian was taken aback by Merlin’s instructions. He had been able to keep the Darkness at bay because of the cuff. He had tried to take it off multiple times, when the voices became too much. But he had not be able to so much as move it, let alone remove it entirely. No matter how much he had tried to access his magic at his weakest moments, he had been unable to. The cuff protected him as much as it did the people around him. To say he was apprehensive about taking it off would be putting it lightly.

He watched Alice pull the Dagger from her satchel, the Darkness rearing its head at that. His eyes never strayed from the Dagger, the whispers growing louder.  _ Take the Dagger. You will have complete control over your magic. No one can stop you from getting everything you want _ . He had started reaching for without even realising it; but he was thwarted by Merlin coming to stand between him and Alice.

Killian’s head snapped up, baring his teeth at the wizard, despite himself. “ _ Papa! _ ” Alice exclaimed, sounding alarmed. It was the panic in her voice that brought him out of his haze. He reeled back from Merlin, appalled by his own behaviour.

“I- I’m sorry,” he stuttered out, forcing his gaze away from the Dagger to focus instead on Merlin. “I don’t know what got over me.”

“I do. It’s the Darkness. It’s fighting against the cuff,” Merlin explained. He took the Dagger from Alice, holding it out to Killian. “Once the cuff is off your wrist, the Darkness will have every chance to take over. Brace yourself.”

Killian sucked in a sharp breath, his body rigid and alert. “Aye. I’m ready.” He swallowed thickly when Merlin used the Dagger to break the cuff’s bind over Killian’s magic. The cuff came off quite easily, leaving Killian to face the onslaught of the dark magic rushing through his veins.

Killian exhaled sharply, planting his feet firmly on the ground, his arms stiff at his side. “Let’s get this over with, then.”

Merlin nodded, handing Killian the Dagger. Killian took it with a trembling hand, gasping the moment he held it. 

“Focus, Captain. You need to channel the power of the Dagger, reach through it to the first Dark One, the origin of all dark magic.”

Killian nodded shakily, the Darkness whispering threats in his ear. “It’s- the Dagger is humming- and it, it feels like  _ snakes _ crawling over my arm. This doesn’t feel safe.”

“Of course it is not safe. Your power is completely unchecked, and I've practically handed you the power to kill me.”

“Not helping me, mate,” Killian gritted out through clenched teeth. “I can hear the Darkness. It’s whispering...I- I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Papa, look at me.” Alice’s voice drew Killian from his internal struggle, his eyes focusing on his daughter. “You can do this. You’re more than the Darkness. I believe in you.”

He nodded at her words, her faith in him making him stronger. “Take the right path, it’s just in my head,” he kept murmuring to himself.

“Now, call on the spirit of the previous Dark Ones,” Merlin instructed.

Killian swallowed thickly, his muscles straining at the effort it took him not to succumb to the Darkness. He watched as his name on the Dagger started changing rapidly, almost as if it was scrolling through the past Dark Ones. For a moment, he was afraid he had really lost his head, but the scrolling stopped on one name - Nimue.

A figure in dark robes and a golden mask materialised in front of Killian, startling him. 

“You did it,” Merlin said in a gasp, gaze trained on the robe clad figure.

Realisation dawned on Killian, wide eyes turning to look at Merlin. “Nimue,” Killian breathed out. 

“That is me, yes.” The first Dark One took off the gold mask, revealing the face of the woman underneath. “It is good to see you embrace the Darkness, Killian. You have been running away from it for far too long.”

“You never told me the first Dark One was the woman you loved.” Killian eyed Merlin warily.

“This is not the woman I loved. The Dark One killed her the day she took on the Darkness.”

“It’s always good to see you, Merlin,” Nimue said, turning to her old lover. “And how great is it going to be to say good-bye.” She held out her hand, her fingers forming a choking gesture in midair. Killian mirrored her, watching wide-eyed as Merlin started struggling to breathe.

Alice rushed to the wizard’s side, confused and afraid as she looked to Killian for help. “Papa, stop it!” she exclaimed. “This is not you!”

“I-I’m not doing that, love.”

“Oh, but you  _ are _ , Killian,” Nimue whispered in his ear. “Because we are one and the same, all the Dark Ones. We need to destroy the threat to the Darkness; we need to destroy Merlin.”

“Why are you doing this? You loved him,” Killian gritted out, trying to fight the Darkness.

“And you loved Emma. You know no matter how much you love someone, if they are trying to take something from you, you need to  _ stop them _ . You need to say ‘No, this is  _ mine _ ,’” Nimue growled, using Killian to channel the dark magic through, directing it all toward the wizard. The blast of magic made Merlin go flying, hitting the ground with an audible  _ thud _ .

The Dark Ones rushed, Killian hovering over Merlin, the point of the Dagger dangling over the wizard’s heart. 

“ _ Kill him _ ,” Nimue pushed.

“Killian, this is not you,” Merlin wheezed out.

“Stop it, stop it,” Killian muttered, eyes squeezed shut. 

“He’s going to reforge Excalibur and destroy us. Finish the fucking job, Killian.”

“Do no listen to her, Killian. You’re a good man, you need to fight this. Find the light within you,” Merlin urged. 

Killian was panting with the effort it took to him resist the temptation to sink the Dagger in Merlin’s chest. He was shaking, lifting his head up to catch Alice’s eye. She was staring at him, terrified. 

“Papa, don’t do this. This isn’t you,” she whispered, her tone slow and soft. None of the fear translated into her voice as she moved closer. “I believe in you, Papa. I love you. Whatever the voices in your head are saying, ignore it. You’ve fought so long, lost so much.” Alice was crying now, tears slipping down her cheeks. 

“I need to protect you and Emma. I need the Darkness,” Killian whispered, Nimue’s voice whispering how weak he was. “I’m not strong enough.”

“Of course you are! The Darkness is what is weak. You raised me by yourself for five years! You allowed your heart to open up again to Emma. You were always strong, Papa. We never needed your magic. All Mama and I need is you.”

Killian’s heart soared, light filtering in through the thick fog of the Darkness, clearing his mind. 

“ _ Kill Merlin.  _ Do not go back to being weak!” Nimue screamed.

“I am not weak!” Killian growled. “I might have succumbed to it in the past but I don’t need the Darkness anymore; I have love in my life. I have my family.” He put out his hand, turning his magic against Nimue. “Now, I’m taking that ember, and I am going to destroy the Darkness once and for all,” he said, pulling the spark from her, making her gasp. She glared at him and disappeared as suddenly as she had appeared.

Killian turned back to Merlin, helping the wizard up. “Let’s reforge the sword, and get this over with, mate.”

Merlin nodded, smiling almost proudly at Killian. “You did it. How did it feel to take the path of light?” he asked Killian.

Killian turned to Alice, smiling at his daughter. “To be honest with you, Merlin, it felt like I finally did the right thing for my family,” he said on a shaky breath.

Alice grinned back at him, hugging his side. Killian wrapped his arms around her, chuckling slightly, resting his cheek on top of her head. “I knew you could do it, Papa.”

“Let’s get this over with then,” Killian declared, releasing Alice and turning to Merlin. He held the last bit that was left of the Promethean flame in his hand. “What next?”

“We light the spark, of course. Are you ready to be rid of the Darkness?” Merlin asked.

Killian wanted to say yes, there was no question to it. But he couldn’t help but wonder how much magic had helped him too. He had been able to break the bonds that kept his daughter trapped, he was able to keep his family safe. What if he needed it again, but would no longer be able to find it?

“What is it, Papa?” Alice looked at him curiously, as if she could see the gears spinning in his head. 

Killian felt unsettled, like he was not sure anymore. “Isn’t it possible to use the magic for good?” he asked Merlin. “I could make a choice, like I just did.”

Merlin smiled tightly at him. “Perhaps, there might be someone strong and noble enough to not be corrupted by the Darkness, Killian. But it is not fair to make someone carry this burden. The Darkness has already taken root in your heart; holding on to it would not be wise. It’s a slippery slope. It’s time to let it go. There is a lot more to look forward to in life, more love and happiness than anything the Darkness can give you.”

Killian nodded, knowing that Merlin was right. He might have been strong now, but he had also done a lot of things he regretted because of the Darkness. Looking at the rock in his hand, he asked, “What do I do now?” 

“We light it together. Think about what is waiting for you. Break the bonds of your past, break free of the hold the Darkness has on you.” Merlin advised. “You can do this.”

Killian closed his eyes, feeling Alice’s steady gaze on him. He thought about the happiness he had felt, watching her grow up. He thought about his days with Emma, getting to know her, falling in love with her. He ruined it all, then. But if he had learned anything in the past week with his daughter, even the greatest sins could be forgiven if someone loved you. And he had two someones, he had his girls. No matter how uncertain things were between Emma and him, he knew she loved him. If he wanted a future with them, to finally be the family that he so desperately craved, the Darkness needed to go.

He thought of his family: he thought of his brother and how much he had taught Killian about honour and good form. He thought of Milah, and how she had taught him to love, to embrace life after he had given up on it after Liam. He thought of Alice, and how she helped him realise how rewarding being a father could be, how she had brought hope back in his life, restarted his cold, dead heart. 

He thought of Emma. He thought about how she had come into his life like a whirlwind, and how she challenged him. How she infuriated him and made him crazy. How she was the blinding light to the darkness that had plagued him, much before he had become the Dark One. She set him free, made me feel more love than he ever thought possible. Alice and Emma filled the gaping holes in his heart. They were all he needed, not magic.

A future with them was so close within his grasp; he could feel it in his bones.

He felt his chest fill with the love he felt for them, the warmth consuming him, breathing life into him. The changes in him, he felt viscerally. And when he opened his eyes, the rock was alight with a small but strong flame.

“Yes, you did it, Papa!” Alice cheered, jumping gleefully. Killian grinned widely, feeling the warmth from the flame on his palm. He could feel the light magic in the flame, something in him wanting to reach for it. It sent the Darkness in him reeling, and he couldn’t help but feel smug about it. He finally had a win, and after all of this was over, he could go and save his Swan. 

He barked out a laugh in triumph. 

“Are you ready to finish what you started?” Merlin asked, taking joy in Killian’s obvious happiness. 

“Yes.” Killian was breathing deeply, but steadily. He handed Merlin the Dagger, following the wizard’s instructions and drawing out the Promethean flame and feeling the light magic that was drawn from it in the air. It almost felt pliant, the magic from the flame - he manipulated it toward the Dagger and the broken sword. 

Killian, Alice, and Merlin watched in wonder as the weapons rose in air, the flame enveloping them. The bright light radiated on the trio, making Killian squint his eyes. He felt hope bloom in his chest, and for the first time in a long time, he had a feeling that everything would actually soon be alright.

The feeling did not lasted long. Just as he finished the final step to reunite the blades, he was interrupted by the grating voice of the last person he wanted to see - Gothel.

“Well, isn’t this convenient,” she called out from behind the trio. Killian was effectively distracted from the spell, and the newly mended Excalibur fell to the ground,  _ Killian Jones _ and  _ Merlin _ etched on the blade.

Killian and Alice turned to face their foe, both gasping in unison when they saw Emma trailing behind Gothel. She looked nothing like her usual self; she looked lifeless and had a haunted look about her. Her clothes were dirty, and ripped at the sleeve, her hair falling limp and having none of its usual bounce. But none of that was  as alarming as the look in her eyes - they were downcast and when she did look up at them, he could not see Emma in there. They looked empty, dazed - as if Emma was nothing more than a puppet.

“Gods, Swan,” Killian said in a gasp, moving toward her without a second thought. He was stopped short by an invisible barrier, Gothel smirking at him from behind it. “What have you done to her?” he demanded with a voice of authority. He could feel the dark magic at his fingertips, waiting to be unleashed, and it took everything in him to not give in to the urge.

“Oh, nothing, really.” Gothel’s smirk grew wider, tugging on the chains that bound his love, making Emma stumble forward. Gothel walked up to her, one long finger lifting Emma’s chin. “I just broke her.” Gothel had the audacity to giggle, trailing her finger down Emma’s jaw, making her flinch.

Killian pounded against the barrier, ignoring the burning on his skin. “Let her go, witch. You’re too late!” 

Gothel whirled around, stalking up to him, standing just shy of touching the barrier, holding his gaze steadily. “On the contrary, Captain. I learnt a lot of interesting things from your lover. Or is it,  _ ex-lover _ ?” She held up her hand, and Excalibur flew into her gasp, startling Killian, Alice, and Merlin.

“ _ No! _ ” Merlin exclaimed, rushing forward, but was once again thwarted by the barrier that Gothel had put up.

“Mama, stop her!” Alice called out, but Emma did not seem to hear her. Whatever Gothel had done to her, it had left her catatonic. 

“Gothel, stop this. You don’t have to do this.” Killian’s tone was soft, coaxing. He wanted to shout, get angry and perhaps even murder the witch who had been tormenting his family for years. But she was far too volatile, and it was all of their lives at stake. He couldn’t risk it.

“Of course I do,” she snapped, her expression sullying. “You humans and your pathetic lives. You never appreciate what nature has gifted you with. You just destroy it and burn it to the ground. My family and I worked hard to preserve the magic, and what did we get in return?” She had an aura of rage about her, her expression dark and furious. “My kind was murdered in cold blood, simply because we were different. If I am to eliminate all of humanity, I need this. And I almost would have had everything I needed, if it weren’t for you.” She looked at Killian with great disdain. “ _ You _ had the power of the Dark One, and you ran away from it.”

“Aye, because it corrupts. You cannot possibly think I wouldn’t stop you from doing this.” Killian did not take his eyes off Gothel for even a moment. She was unhinged and unpredictable; he had no idea what she meant to do with Excalibur.

Alice stepped forward, despite Killian’s protests. “Please, stop this. You’re supposed to be my mother,” the young woman said, her voice breaking. “You talk about family, but  _ I _ am your family, and you abandoned me without a second thought. You tricked my father, and you broke his trust in unspeakable ways. Can you honestly say you are better off than humans?” 

Gothel looked taken aback by Alice’s words for a moment, but she quickly composed herself. “I would say I was sorry, but I’m really not.” 

Killian had had enough. He surged at the barrier, releasing his cautious hold on his magic. He watched as the barrier became visible, reacting to his magic, making Gothel’s eyes widen,  but did not seem go down at all. Before he could unleash more of his power, Gothel held out the sword in front of her, “Stay right there.”

He felt his body freeze, held in spot by the magic that bound him to Excalibur, watching with helpless fury as Gothel walked toward him and Merlin, who was immobilized as well, the sword held in front of her. “Well, it’s been fun, boys. But now it is time for me to take what is mine.” She approached Merlin first, and Killian watched with wide-eyed horror as she unceremoniously ran Excalibur through his chest, the wizard in no position to stop her.

“ _ NO! _ ” Killian and Alice shouted in unison. Merlin stared at the sword sticking out of his gut in shock, his magic visibly draining out of him in wisps of light and into Excalibur. Alice pressed her hands to her mouth, stifling her horrified gasp, pressing closer to her father, her hand clutching his arm.

Killian looked to Emma, terrified and desperate, still frozen in place. “Emma, love, do something! You can stop her.”

Emma looked up, staring right through him with cold, dead eyes. It broke his heart to see her like this. 

Gothel turned to him, her free hand twisting in a grasping motion, making roots break through the ground and wrapping around Alice’s torso, pulling her away from Killian, despite her loud protests. Gothel walked toward him with a simpering expression. He bared his teeth at her, her jaw clenched tight. “I swear to the Gods, if you hurt my daughter-”

“You’ll what? Kill me?  _ Please _ \- I’d like to see you try.” She glanced behind her at Merlin’s crumpled form. “Don’t worry. I’ll spare your life,” she assured Killian, smiling tightly. “I just need your magic, that’s all.”

“No! Stop it!” Alice exclaimed, pounding her fists against the root that was wrapped around her, but to no avail. “Mama! Please! Help us!”

Killian struggled in place, trying desperately to break free on the Dagger’s command. He turned to Emma, just as she seemed to come back to reality and realise what was going on around her. She was shaking in place, looking brokenly at him and Alice, like she had given up trying. He couldn’t -  _ wouldn’t  _ \- let that happen. “Swan! You can overpower whatever control she had on you. You are the strongest person I know.”

Emma looked at him then, walking toward him on weak legs, stumbling slightly before she found her bearing. She, too, was stopped short by the barrier that Gothel had put up. Up close, she looked even worse. Her eyes were sunken, lips chapped with dried blood; she looked battle worn, defeated. It scared him, seeing her like this. “Killian,” she whispered, her voice scratchy and rough. “I can’t stop her. I can’t, I’m sorry.” She was crying, making his heart clench at her pain. “She’s stronger than I am.”

“You should listen to her, darling.” Gothel was right in front of him, Excalibur clutched tight in her hands. “Now, this will hurt a tad.” She held the sword in front of him, and he felt the Darkness in him reacting to it, almost as if it was heeding a silent call, reaching out to the weapon.

For a moment, Killian thought he would be able to hold back, keep the Darkness reined in if only to ensure Gothel did not get her hands on it. But it was futile, as the Darkness started to pour out of him, as slowly and painfully as it possibly could. He couldn’t help but yell in pain: it felt like his skin was was being pricked by a thousand needles from the inside out. The dark magic was tearing out of him; it was excruciating. He turned to Emma once again, swallowing down his pain. “Love, you-you are s-stronger than you realise. You-” he cut himself off, letting out a grunt at the toll it was taking on his body. “-are the pro-product of True Love. I believe in you.”

Emma nodded, sucking in her bottom lip. “I love you.”

“As I love you, my Pr-Princess.” 

-/-

Emma closed her eyes, trying to concentrate. There was so much of the Darkness blocking her from accessing her light magic, but she knew it had to still be there. Gothel might have broken her down in the past week, but a part of her had allowed it to happen, if only to delay the witch from stopping Killian. She had almost succeeded, too. 

Right now, Killian and Alice needed her, and she was was running out of time. Once Gothel was done extracting the Darkness, Emma would lose her magic. She had been prepared for that, and for what would come after - but she needed her magic if she wanted to stop Gothel. Fortunately for her, Merlin had shared with her the spell he had intended to perform to get rid of the Darkness once and for all. Excalibur was supposed to break immortal ties, but if Gothel gained control over the Darkness as well as Merlin’s light magic, it would be impossible to stop her.

Then it dawned on her - Merlin’s light magic and the Darkness cancelled each other out, and they would all be in Gothel. She would be the sole catalyst for all that power. If Emma was able to disable her for long enough, she could…. _ That was it! _

She had a plan in place; she just needed to find the strength within her to attack Gothel. Killian’s cries of pain and Alice’s desperate pleading echoed through her mind, pushing her to try harder. She had been weakened beyond what she could handle the past week, and she knew even if she could have survived losing her magic before, she had no hope of that now. 

Emma had to do everything she could to take Gothel down with her. She thought about everyone and everything she had loved and lost - her parents, her kingdom, Charles. She remembered every painful moment of her life, channeling her grief to find the light within her. Every moment of hurt and anguish that she had felt cut deeply because it came from the same place love did; because the only reason she felt pain was because she felt love, too. They went hand in hand.

Emma shut everything off around her, travelling within herself to find the source of the love that powered her magic. It was hard, wading through the Darkness that had corrupted her system, like trying to swim through black sludge. Her surroundings faded, noises grew distant and she felt like she was floating. The further she went into the Darkness within her, the harder it became to remember where she was and why she was there. She held on tight to the good memories - happy memories of her childhood, of being in love, of her years with Alice - using them to ground her to reality.

It felt like hours, not mere seconds like it really was, before she broke through the surface of the Darkness. But when she did, she was embraced by the familiar warmth of her light magic, magic that was born out of love and happiness, that had been oppressed by the Darkness. She should have known, that at the heart of Darkness would be light.

She immersed herself in the light, slowly drawing it with her past the Darkness. She pulled it through, bit by bit, until the pitch black that seemed to have taken over her heart was replaced with bright light. Emma felt like she was reborn, her energy renewed; like she had been drowning for so long and had finally come up for air.

When she opened her eyes, only a moment had passed. Gothel still held Excalibur aloft and the Darkness was trickling out of Killian, surrounding the witch. Emma bided her time, now having a firm hold on the light magic. She just needed to wait until the Darkness was being pulled from her, too, before she would execute her plan.

Everything around Emma came back into full focus; she could hear Killian’s screams again, Alice’s cries - it was so hard for her to not react immediately. It nearly broke her, seeing her family in such pain. But it also strengthened her resolve to hold out just that much longer. She hardened her heart, watched as her love fell to his knees, weakened by the sudden withdrawal of power. 

But that also meant that the Darkness was finally out of him. As if in answer to her question, Emma felt a tugging on the last bit of the Darkness in her. It was time.

Gothel turned to Emma with a smug grin, her icy blue eyes consumed by the Darkness. Emma let go of the tentative grasp she had on her light magic -  _ all of it _ \- feeling it leave her completely in one breath and hitting Gothel square in her chest, sending her soaring through the air. Gothel lost her grip on Excalibur, and it fell at Killian’s feet, with the letters spelling out  _ Mother Gothel _ along the blade burned into it, revealing the new host for the Darkness. 

Killian was quick to react, his fingers wrapping tightly around the grip of the sword. He grinned at Emma, nodding at her. “I knew you could do it, Swan!” he called out. 

Emma wasn’t certain what happened next, her vision blurring for a moment, but when she could see clearly again, Killian has Excalibur buried in Gothel’s gut. Emma felt the thick, suffocating aura from the Darkness ebb away, as Gothel fell to her death.

Emma grinned widely across the clearing at father and daughter. She took no more than two steps before her legs gave way beneath her, her chest feeling tight, making it difficult to draw a breath. She choked on a gasp, pressing a hand to her chest, feeling her heart race rapidly in her chest. She tried to call out to Alice, but felt herself fading, her vision going to black. She heard panicked voices, sounding muffled and distant, and felt a rough, calloused palm on her cheek.

Emma couldn’t understand why everything was turning black, or why she couldn’t breathe anymore. She started panicking for a moment or two. But that stopped as well. 

And finally, so did her heart.


	11. It seemed like we were meant to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Endings! Endings are here. Happy? Sad? Bittersweet? IDK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My darlings, we are at the end. I can't believe I finished an MC hahahaha. Thank you, @captainswanbigbang and esp, @wellhellotragic for your wonderful captions for each chapter. I love your small comments on the fic <3
> 
> @sambethe, what a soul. What a star. The artwork for Chapter 2 was such a sweet moment, for chapter 5 was PERFECT and for this chapter - well, you will see for yourself how ICONIC it is. This banner was a perfect balance of darkness and mystery that I wanted to convey through the title and she's done such a great job. PLEASE check out her orignal artworks, like, reblog, comment, send her lovely asks and gifts and love.
> 
> @downeystarkjr - when I heard that she WANTED to work on my fic specifically, it blew my mind. I was in awe - that awe just quadrupled when I saw the trailer and basically just exploded to infinity when I saw the OTHER FULL LENGTH VIDEO. They are both so beautiful. Go check out the work by this talented young person and LIKE COMMENT SUBSCRIBE (I've always wanted to say that) to her YouTube. JUST GO DO IT.
> 
> @accio-ambition - I can't. I don't have words enough to thank you. Just- don't. DON'T EVER STOP BEING THIS GREAT, AWESOME, SWEET, MEAN, MAMA-BEAR and the best beta a girl could ask for - in fandom and real life. I don’t know what I would do without your constant support and encouragement to “DO THE THING” even if you then hate having to edit the angst-shit. Ily and appreciate you so GD much.
> 
> and FINALLY - to you all, who have read this fic, who have liked it, and who have bookmarked or who have even just read it and thought “oh, this is okay” - THANK YOU. This fic will mean a lot to me - I went through moments of great happiness, moments of great grief and pain and moments of great change throughout the conception, writing and publishing of this fic. thank you and let’s move on

_ _

_ One month later _

It had been roughly three weeks since Alice had left home, ventured out on her own. She had been reluctant to leave her father alone at first, knowing how difficult a time it was for him. But after what happened with Emma…. it just did not seem right, not when Emma was-

She cut her train of thought short, knowing that going there would only make her guilt rear its ugly head again. But three weeks had passed and she realised she had been selfish, and bull-headed. No matter what was said in the heat of the moment, her father needed her. And  _ she _ needed him. Which was how she found herself standing outside the cottage that had served as home for Emma and herself for all those years. 

Alice hesitated, shuffling her feet, unsure about knocking on the door. She still could not forget the fight that had taken place before she’d left home. She was not certain she would be welcomed back. She blew out a long breath, steeling herself, and knocked sharply - thrice.

It took long enough for her father to open the door that she almost contemplated leaving. But when he did pull the door open, she was shocked by his appearance. His eyes looked bloodshot, like he hadn’t slept properly in days. His usually trimmed stubble was now a fully grown beard and his hair was long enough to reach past his neck. He was still wearing his garb from the Land without Magic in what he called  _ jeans _ and a long sleeved shirt, a prosthetic hand in place of his hook. He looked surprised to see her, which she couldn’t blame him for, not after how they had left things.

“Starfish!” he exclaimed, quick to embrace her. “I’m so glad you’re home, love,” he whispered against her ear.

Alice melted in her father’s arms, her arms wrapped around his shoulders, hugging him back tight. “I’m sorry for leaving like that, Papa,” she apologised, closing her eyes, revelling in his warmth. It did feel good to be home. 

“You’re home now, love. That’s all that matters.”

-/-

“You don’t seem like you’re doing so well, Papa,” Alice commented as she took a seat on a chair, her cloak thrown over the back of it. 

He smiled tightly at his daughter, nodding in agreement. “It’s just been difficult, darling. I haven’t really had a good night’s sleep in a long time.”

Alice hummed, staring at her hands. “I guess we are all still shaken by what happened that night.”

Killian remained quiet for so long that Alice had taken his silence for agreement. “I was just about to go see her, if you wanted to join me?” Killian asked finally, startling Alice.

“Are you certain-”

“Of course, of course,” he answered before she could finish the sentence, dismissing her worry with a wave of his hand.

-/-

Killian had bought some fresh flowers that morning, intending to give Emma some company. He hadn’t been sure about going by himself, so he was glad for Alice’s presence. As surprised as he had been to see his daughter, he was just glad she was home again. They needed each other right now, and while he understood why she wanted to leave, he was glad she was back now. He wasn’t a fool to think that she would stay for much longer after the argument that had made her run in the first place. But there hadn’t been a day where he didn’t worry about her.

As if she could read his thoughts, Alice spoke up. “I didn’t do it.”

“What’s that now, love?” he asked, unsure if he heard her right. Surely, she didn’t mean-

“I didn’t get rid of my magic,” Alice clarified. Killian struggled to hide his smile on hearing that. He had been completely against the idea of her wanting to get rid of her magic, had not understood why she would blame herself for what happened with Emma. 

Just thinking about Emma made his heart constrict in his chest. Which was why he was glad when they finally reached their destination. He spotted Charles’ gravestone through the gap between the trees. He stopped short: even now, after coming here numerous times in the past month, it still left him feeling as helpless and breathless as he had the very first day. It was only Alice’s insistent tug on his arm that made him keep walking.

Killian spotted Emma as soon as he entered the clearing. She was sat a ways away from Charles’ gravestone, right in front of Merlin’s memorial, staring grimly at it, just like she had every time she had slipped out here.

_ 4 weeks ago: Camelot _

Alice had been the first to notice Emma falling, shouting for her father as she ran to her mother, skidding to her knees and cradling Emma’s head in her lap. “Mama! Mama, are you alright?” 

Killian turned around, the triumphant grin slipping into a horror as he saw his love crumpled on the ground. Excalibur fell from his grip as he rushed to Emma, falling to his knees at her side. He felt for a pulse, his heart dropping to his gut when he realised she did not have one. “No, no, no, no. Swan,  _ no,” _ he whimpered, his fingers trembling as he pressed his hand to her chest, trying desperately to find a beat. But there was nothing.

He pulled her off Alice’s lap, quickly starting CPR. He remembered his training from the Land without Magic. He knew it would be futile, though. There was only one reason her heart stopped beating - it must have been the magic. He shouldn’t have asked her to do this. He was the reason she was dead.

He ignored everything around him, keeping his compressions steady.

“Papa, she’s gone,” Alice whispered, openly sobbing. When he did not respond her to, she grabbed his hand, making him growl at her, snatching his hand and hook away, resuming the compressions.

“No, she is not!” he protested, words spit out through gritted teeth, continuing with his compressions, ignoring how truly lifeless Emma seemed. “It was just the magic. She let it all go, and her heart is failing her. But she is  _ not dead _ . She can’t be. We have our whole future ahead of us. She can’t be dead. She’s not dead. Dammit, come on, Swan! Fight it, come back to me!”

He pressed his ear to her chest again, waiting for a moment, then two, and then three. A whole minute passed, and only as he felt ready to give up, his tears blurring his vision and his chest tight with tears, did he hear it. The faint, slow beating of her heart. He gasped, pressing his ear harder to her chest, praying that he had not imagined it. A moment later, he heard it again. Her heart was beating!

“Her-her heart’s beating!” he exclaimed, and Alice let out a relieved breath, which cut off into a broken sob. “It’s beating. I just- I need a little something….Alice!” She snapped her head up to meet her father’s eyes. “You have magic. You need to use it, you need to- I don’t know, give her heart a boost? It doesn’t matter. Just do something! She needs magic to get her heart beating again!”

Alice seemed to hesitate, making him want to pull his hair out. “Alice, this is your mother! Please _ use your bloody magic _ !” he pleaded, his tone despondent but his words harsh.

Alice nodded shakily, crawling over and pressing her hands over Emma’s chest. 

-/-

Alice focused on her emotions, blocking everything else out.  _ Magic was emotion, magic was emotion _ , she whispered to herself. She needed to stop thinking, and just  _ feel _ . She felt the pain in her chest, knowing she could not lose her mother. Just the thought of it was threatening to overwhelm her, despite her best efforts. So she channeled that fear and pain, the anger she felt at having her family in constant danger - she used it all to lead her to her core. Emma had always told her she had to embrace who she was, and right now she was a scared young girl who needed her  _ Mama _ back, and her family whole. She has had enough tragedy in her life.

It took a couple of moments to notice the warmth of the magic pouring from her hands and into Emma. It was only her father’s sharp intake of breath that alerted her to any change. But once she noticed it, she focused harder, trying to remember and implement everything her mother had taught her about magic. When she felt like she was done, Alice pulled her hands back, resting them on her lap.

Killian and Alice waited with their breaths held, praying to all the Gods that it worked.

Emma woke up with a sharp gasp, and they let out a relieved sigh. She blinked up at them, Alice and Killian grinning down at her.

Killian helped her sit up, embracing her quickly, drawing Alice into the hug. “Gods, Swan! I thought-” he cut himself off, unable to even think it, Alice assumed.

Emma was stiff in their embrace, not reacting at all. When they drew away from her, Killian cupping her cheek in worry, she breathed out, “My magic is gone.”

-/-

_ Present: Enchanted Forest _

Killian approached Emma tentatively, sitting down next to her, his arm snaking around her waist. She did not say a word, simply leaning against him. She hadn’t said much for three weeks, not since before Alice had left. It was getting harder and harder for him to reach her with every passing day, when she kept retreating into herself. The very first time she had gone missing, he had been terrified that she had left him without a word. He had waited for almost half a day, pacing impatiently, unsure if he should go out looking for her. It had been a couple hours before she had turned up, her eyes red clearly from crying, but refused to address his concern, simply shuffling past him and into bed.

It had taken him a couple of days to realise where she had been going - visiting the site where they had set up a memorial stone for Merlin, right next to Charles’ gravestone. She would spend an hour or so simply sat there, not saying a word most of the time, not reacting to his presence at all, staring at her hands with a haunted look in her eyes.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

Emma hummed noncommittally, her arms wrapped around her chest tightly. Killian sighed, chancing a glance at Alice, who remained at the edge of the clearing, hesitant to approach her mother after the altercation they had had three weeks ago.

-/-

_ 3 weeks ago: Camelot _

Emma had spent the week since her revival in a state of unconsciousness. Killian and Alice had been overjoyed when she had opened her eyes again, but she had swiftly fainted with the parting words “ _ My magic is gone _ ”. Both of them were understandably upset, panicked even. It had taken some time. But once they had returned to Camelot and informed Queen Guinevere of Merlin’s unfortunate demise and that he had helped them destroy the Darkness, the Queen was kind enough to provide them with quarters and arrange for Merlin’s funeral. 

It was Merlin’s apprentice who had finally explained Emma’s state. He had told them that Alice’s magic had essentially provided Emma’s heart with enough power to pull her back from the brink of death. It would take a while before Emma would wake up, and even longer for her to come to terms with her new reality. 

_ (“Emma was born with her magic, and the more she fostered it the more it became a part of her soul. Losing it would be like losing a large part of who she is. You need to be patient with her,” the apprentice advised Killian and Alice. _

_ “But she  _ will _ be alright, won’t she?” Alice asked, taking one of Emma’s hands in her own, concern etched across her features. _

_ “Physically? Absolutely, with time. As for the rest…” the apprentice turned to look at Emma, a contemplative look on his face. “It’s up to her.”) _

Nothing could have prepared father and daughter for Emma’s reaction upon waking up. It had been a little over a week, and they had started to grow worried and restless. At least one of them remained by her side at all times, taking turns sleeping; even when they did, it was right by her bedside. 

Emma regained consciousness in stages. Alice had been the first to notice her fingers moving, and next were her eyes, shifting rapidly under her eyelids. It was over an hour past that, both of them waiting with their heart’s in their throats, pacing tirelessly, when Emma’s eyes started fluttering and she began mumbling under her breath.

Killian was by her side in an instant, fingers brushing her hair from her face and eyes never straying from her face. “Emma, darling, it’s me. Killian.”

Emma turned toward his voice, her fingers twitching at her side. “Aye, love,” he chuckled tearily. “I’m here. Please wake up. Open those beautiful eyes, and look at me.” He was unable to stop tears from slipping down his face. Alice watched from a distance, knowing that her father needed this time.

-/-

It took Emma a couple of tries before she could open her eyes completely, a soft, lilting voice guiding her to the realm of consciousness. She squinted against the brightness of the room, before they focused on Killian’s face. Her dazed expression cleared, and Killian’s relief was the first thing she saw, his eyes bright and grin wide.

She couldn’t help but smile. “Killian,” she murmured, reaching for his cheek, fingers brushing against his overgrown scruff.

He closed his eyes for a moment, pressing his cheek against her questing hand. “Hello, beautiful,” he said on a watery chuckle.

But Emma’s happiness was momentary, as all the events from last week came back to her, slowly. Her brows pulled together, feeling suddenly uneasy, her chest too tight and her gut twisted in knots. She felt queasy, her hand falling from Killian’s cheek to her chest, rubbing at it in an effort to relieve the discomfort.

She sat up with Killian’s help, the uneasiness turning into pain. “Oh!” She clutched at her stomach, feeling a sharp pain near her abdomen.

“Swan!” Killian had his arm around her, supporting her back. “What’s wrong? What do you need?”

Emma was too confused and in far too much distress to answer him. Something just felt wrong, something was- And then it dawned on her.

Her magic. She no longer had her magic.

Emma looked up, still clutching her stomach, tears in her eyes, and right in front of her was Alice. “Mama?” she whispered, fear evident in her tone.

For the very first time in her life, Emma was not happy to see her daughter. She turned away from Alice, burying her face in Killian’s shoulders, unable to contain her whimpers of pain. She didn’t notice Alice’s crestfallen expression.

“It hurts,” she finally said, breathing through the pain.

“What does, darling?” 

“Everything. My- my magic is-” Emma cut herself off, unable to say it out loud, to make it a reality. Her heart felt like it was caved in, and the pain in her stomach had no reprieve. She was too weak to hold back her tears; she dissolved into sobs, burrowing herself against Killian, drawing comfort from him.

“Mama,” Alice approached her, but Emma ignored her. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Alice, not without feeling the ugly taste of disdain on her tongue.

“Go away.” Emma’s words were sharp and edgy. She did not have to look at Alice for it to be evident who it was directed at.

-/-

The apprentice had come to Emma’s aid, giving her a potion for her pain and uneasiness. At Emma’s request, Killian and Alice left the room, leaving her alone with the older man. Neither Killian nor Alice had an idea what else he spoke to her in private, but once he had left, Emma had declared that she wanted to leave Camelot. She simply stated that the Apprentice had offered to transport them magically to the cottage that had been her and Alice’s home. That was that. By the end of the day, they were back home, and Emma had retreated to her room, leaving Alice and Killian alone.

Alice had tried multiple times to talk to Emma, but she refused to even acknowledge her presence. Killian was stuck in the middle, between his love and his daughter, both of them at odds. He tried getting Emma to talk to him, coaxing her, sweet-talking her, but she would not budge. She spent all of her days in bed, burrowed under her blanket. It was a task just convincing her to eat something.

It had all come to a head their third day back from Camelot. Alice had stormed past Killian, despite his protests and his insistence that they Emma her space, and into Emma’s room. He opted to stay out of the room, but the yelling had made it easy for him to know what they were speaking of. Alice demanded Emma to look at her, to speak to her. There was more yelling than Killian cared for, but he knew as much as it pained him, that this was between mother and daughter. They were both grown adults and they needed to figure this out for themselves.

But Emma’s last words left him stunned.

“You never should have saved me, Alice!  _ You’re _ the reason I have to learn to live without my magic!” Emma shouted, her voice breaking. “You should have just let me die in that clearing.”

Killian went to open the door, knowing it was time to step in. But Alice stomped out of Emma’s room and heading to hers, clearly in tears. He could hear Emma crying in her room. He knew that she would want some time to herself, that she would refuse his comfort out of some twisted sense of guilt, and opted to go after his daughter.

“Alice, love, I’m sorry-” he started, walking into her room. He stopped short, as he saw what she was doing. “Why are you packing a bag?”

“I should leave, Papa. She clearly doesn’t want me here,” Alice said, her voice firm despite the tears.

“That’s bollocks! Of course she wants you here. She’s your mother.” He grabbed her bag from her, earning a glare from her. “Stop this right now.”

“No,” Alice snapped, somewhat petulantly. “I’m going to go for a while and give Mama some time to herself. Besides, my magic is to blame for this, and I’m going to find out a way to get rid of it once and for all.” She snatched the bag back, continuing to stuff her things in it.

“Love, don’t be hasty.” He tried reasoning with her, tried asserting his authority; but nothing worked. Alice was just as stubborn as Emma, if not more so. And once her mind was made up, there was no changing it. He couldn’t make her stay, she was an adult. She had to  _ choose _ to stay.

“Alice, at least tell her goodbye,” Killian implored, following her out the door. “You can’t just leave.”

“Watch me.” And with a slam of a door, his daughter was gone.

-/-

_ Present day: Enchanted Forest _

The days went by unnoticed for Emma. She felt so untethered all the time, like she was floating out of her body, unable to function. She felt lost, empty. She wasn’t able to bring herself to talk to Killian about it, despite how amazing he was being. It pained her to see how much he was hurting, and she tried to convince herself that she could be happy without her magic. She had a man who loved her, and a daughter who, despite their current non-speaking state, she would give the world for.

But she couldn’t let go of the deep sense of loss. She remembered the time she had overexerted her magic and had to refrain from using it for a week. The helplessness that she felt then could not come close to how utterly despondent she felt now. It was eating her alive, and she often found herself venturing farther and farther from reality. She could see Killian struggling to reach her, to help her; she just could not bring herself to grab his hand and allow him to pull her to safety.

She had lost count the number of times she had woken up in a cold sweat, her body hurting so terribly that it was impossible not to cry out. Killian would rush to her side and hold her, whispering that he was there for her. She had cried herself to sleep more nights than not. 

She had even tried to seduce Killian to come to bed with her, hoping that being with him would help her forget her sorrow for a moment. That she could lose herself in the throes of passion and forget about how she wanted to  _ die _ on the inside.

His rejection had stung, even if she knew that he had done the right thing.

It was only after that day that she had taken to come visit Charles, and she had the idea to erect a memorial for Merlin. Killian had readily obliged her request. She found a sense of peace, as if a part of the wise wizard was with her. It was easier to talk to the spirits of her son and Merlin about her struggle than it was to Killian.

That, too, made her feel worse than dirt.

Here was a man, so hopelessly in love with her that he was willing to do anything she wanted. He understood her pain and was so unbelievably patient and tender with her. And she could not bring herself to confide in him. But how could she tell him that she did not want to live without her magic, how could she make him understand that it physically pained her to exist? She felt like only half of her had come back from the brink of death, and the other half perished. How could she bring herself to be grateful to be alive, when she hardly  _ felt  _ alive?

She couldn’t bring herself to speak to him, or give him much. But she tried to show him as much as she could. So, when he found her in the clearing yet again, slid his arm around her, it was easy to lean into him. It was getting easier to be with him, to remind herself that she had someone waiting for her. No matter how long it might take her, she knew Killian would still be there for her.

Her heart still felt heavy, though. She had made a lot of mistakes the past month, that she wished she could take back. On top of that list was the way she had spoken to her Alice. She had unfairly blamed her daughter, when all she had done was save her mother. She had yelled at her  _ child _ that she should have let her mother die. And Alice had left. She made her leave, after Alice had  _ just _ been reunited with her father.

How could Killian still be at her side through all of this? How could he love her, when she had chased his daughter away?

Killian whispered a soft greeting to which she hummed absently, because what else could she do? What could she do to be worthy of this man?

Emma was so lost in her own head, but one word was enough to bring her out of her daze.

“Mama?”

-/-

“Mama?” Alice called out, walking into to clearing.

Alice heard Emma gasp, her back to her still. But the next moment, Emma was off the ground and practically sprinting toward Alice, her arms pulling the young woman to her in a crushing hug.

“Oh, you’re back,” Emma cried, pressing Alice closer to her, one arm wrapped around her shoulder while the hand of the other arm was cradling the back of her head, just as she had done ever since Alice was a child. “I’m so sorry, darling. I’m sorry I said those things. I’m sorry I made you leave.”

“It’s alright, Mama,” Alice replied softly, her own eyes tearing up. She caught her father’s eye, as he was watching them with a heartbreaking smile.

Emma shook her head, holding Alice to her still. “No, it was not. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better mother to you, love.”

Alice was quick to shush her, sick to her stomach that her callousness and stubbornness had caused her mother such guilt, especially at such a trying time. “You’re the best mother. You’re my Mama. You never have to apologise.  _ I’m  _ sorry I didn’t understand.”

“Perhaps, it’s time for you ladies to stop with the apologies,” her father said with a chuckle. “We’re family. No matter what, we migrate back to each other.”

Alice liked to believe that this one good day meant that the subsequent days would be easier. But that was not how life worked. Her mother was still struggling with having to re-learn how to live her life without magic. 

But eventually, it got better.

Alice happened to enjoy the time she had spent travelling alone, and after a month or so of living with her parents, she became stir crazy. This time, it was father who asked her to go. Go and explore the realms like she had in the past, have some adventures of her own. And that was exactly what she did. She found exciting new places to visit, and made wonderful friends everywhere she went. Perhaps the greatest adventure of all was finding love herself. 

But that was a story for another day.

-/-

Emma slowly started opening up to Killian again, talking to him about all of her fears and insecurities. They both decided that the first time around they never prioritised their relationship, and it was so interconnected with raising Alice. It felt like they were getting to know each other again, and they enjoyed it. They rediscovered their love, and along the way talked about what they wanted from each other, what they expected. 

There were still plenty of bad days for both of them. Emma still woke up from a dream that she had her magic back, and was reminded by the harsh reality of life, sending her back two paces in her recovery. Killian continued to be haunted by nightmares about the Darkness, waking up in a cold sweat. They both had days were they fought with each other, but they made sure that they never went to bed angry.

It took Emma a long time to accept her new reality instead of mourning for her past. It took Killian months to relieve himself of the guilt he felt for abandoning his family. They spoke about Charles, and whether they wanted to try again for a child. But that discussion was shelved for the future, both of them content with each other and Alice.

It had been a difficult year for her, what with the loss of her magic and the challenges that put on her body and her relationships. But she was glad that it happened; in way, it forced them to confront their reality and their problems. They talked about it this time, instead of apologising through grand gestures. They rebuilt their relationships, because no matter how much they loved each other, neither them nor their relationship had been perfect.

They had never stopped being in love, but they slowly fixed the broken parts of their relationship on a much more healthier foundation. They rekindled their passion for each other as well, taking advantage of having the cottage all to themselves. They  _ really _ enjoyed rediscovering that side of each other, too.

Killian and Emma slowly and surely fell even more in love with each other. It took them a lot of time and patience to get there, but it had been absolutely worth it.

Time flew by so quickly, with everything they had going on. The first year anniversary of their defeat of the Darkness had crept up on them without them even realising it.

-/-

Emma woke up to light kisses being place on her back, arousal spiking in her blood and rousing her from a deep slumber. She felt Killian’s beard scratch her back, and she purred in contentment. It had been a long road to recovery and she was finally starting to feel good, to feel  _ free _ . 

Killian had even broached the topic of them returning to the Land without Magic. It had chaffed Emma in the beginning, and had led one of the biggest quarrel they had ever had, but his arguments were solid. He had had a life there, and they had nothing but reminders of their past and their pain, of every mistake they ever made and all their regrets. They needed a fresh start. Perhaps, they could make a home there.

Emma was slowly coming around to the idea, but she wasn’t ready to tell Killian yet. She wanted to enjoy just being in his arms for now, with no looming emergency or rescue mission. Just their mortal lives stretched ahead of them.

“Morning,” Killian whispered against her back, his voice deeper than usual. It sent a shiver down her spine, her gut clenching in arousal.

“Hmm, good morning, Captain,” she drawled, flipping on her back and stretched lazily across their bed. The blankets slipped lower, giving Killian a glimpse of her upper body, making him lick his lips lewdly, wiggling his eyebrows at her, making her chuckle and swat at his shoulder.

“Love, you make it mighty difficult for a man to get out of bed,” Killian groaned, laying down and nuzzling her neck.

“So, don’t get out of bed. It’s just us. We could spend the whole day in bed,” Emma suggested, threading her fingers through his too long hair, pressing her neck more firmly against his questing lips.

“Would that I could, my Princess.” He pressed a series of quick kisses to her lips, before pulling away completely, leaving her pouting.

“Why’re you leaving?” Emma whined, pulling the blankets up and cuddling underneath them for warmth. Winter was starting to settle in, and early mornings without her pirate to keep her warm were unusual, and perhaps,even frustrating.

“I’m leaving because  _ we  _ need to get ready. I’m taking you someplace special today. So, hurry up and get your arse off the bed,” he commanded, standing over her with his arms crossed in mock-seriousness.

“I’m a Princess, I’ll have you know. You can’t order me about,  _ ser _ !” Emma huffed playfully. Her indignation soon turned into a screech as Killian bodily dragged her out of the bed, blankets and all, and threw her over his shoulder, marching her toward their dressing room. “Unhand me, you wretched pirate!” she said in a laugh, slapping his arse.

“Oi, keep your hands off me goods.”

-/-

It took them a couple of hours, but they finally managed to extricate themselves away from each other enough to get dressed and ready for whatever surprise Killian had planned for them. They rode on their newly purchased steed, Maximus II, as he set a lazy pace. Emma was draped over Killian’s back, her arms wrapped around his waist, both of them happy to enjoy the silence that stretched between them.

It took them over half the morning to reach their destination. Emma stared in wide-eyed wonder as Killian helped her down.

“Oh, Killian. This is beautiful.” Emma looked around her, every inch as far as the eye could see was covered in beautiful pink blooms. She walked around, taking in the beauty of the meadow. She bent down to smell them, the fragrance intoxicating. It reminded her of a similar meadow that Alice and her had stumbled upon when Alice was still a young girl.  “We should bring Alice and Ro- Oh!” 

Emma stopped short when she saw him, her breath caught in her throat, her trembling hands covering her mouth. “What is this?” Her voice was faint and shaky.

Killian was down on one knee, her mother’s peridot ring held out to her, tears in his eyes as he grinned widely at her. “Swan, this past year has been hell for us, and somehow we came out of it stronger. The last time I did this, it was for all the wrong reasons. But I’ve come to know you, the new you, and I just- I have loved every version of you, from the bottom of my heart. I simply cannot imagine my life without you in it. So, Princess Emma, will you marry me?”

She knelt down as well, words stuck in her throat. She gaped at the ring, unable to take her eyes off of his earnest expression. Her heart was racing, tears stinging her eyes. She let out a shuddering breath, swallowing past the lump in her throat. “Yes, Captain Jones. I will marry you,” she whispered finally. He let out a relieved laugh, sliding the ring on to her finger, tracing it with his thumb for a moment before he looked up, pulling her in for a kiss.

Emma melted against him, their lips sliding against each other softly. They had all the time in the world now. This was just their happy beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this. Next update on the 18th of October.


End file.
